Daylight
by WriteChristineR
Summary: In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:** Does anyone really believe that Castle is mine? Because if you do, jeez, I'm flattered, but I'm not that good. But it's more than likely that since you're on a fanfiction website, you all already know that I don't own the characters and I'm not telling you anything helpful or especially interesting right now. But just in case… I don't own Castle. Happy?_  
_In other disclaimer news, the title and the quotes that start each chapter are from a song called "Daylight" by Better Than Ezra. I don't own the rights to that, either. Technically I do own the song, but only on MP3, which really doesn't count for much._  
_Also, I'm my own editor, so any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone._

_**Author's Note:** I got the idea for this story during a very long car ride, and wrote pretty much the entire first chapter during that same very long car ride. I've thought for quite a long time now that the song "Daylight" by Better Than Ezra describes Castle and Beckett's relationship really well. Part of that might be my need to relate pretty much everything to Castle in some way, but I really do think that this song works well for them. So I came up with a brilliant idea for how to tie the two together (brilliant being a relative term… I'm sure I'm not the first person that's thought of this), hence the concept for this story. Each line of the song will become a chapter, and each chapter will be based on that line._

_If you don't know the song, which I would imagine most of you don't because neither the song nor the band is particularly popular, it really doesn't matter. You'll still understand the story just fine. What this does mean though (if you've read some of my other stuff you've probably seen me blabbering about this, otherwise I'm sure you probably don't care) is that the lyrics to the song have formed a kind of rough outline for me, so for once in my life I actually have some idea of where I'm going and how long it'll take me to get there. Gasp. What this also means is that this story is eventually going to be pretty long. Songs tend to have a lot of lines._

_At least for now, the T rating is primarily for safety and language. The tone of this is a bit darker and the language a bit stronger than I usually write. I think you'll see what I mean._

_Last detail, I swear. Setting. A couple of months into the future. It's still this year, but some things have happened here that haven't happened on the show. And I know what you're probably thinking, but these events are products of my imagination, and completely unrelated to certain spoilers that we probably all know about at this point. I'll let you read to find out what I'm talking about._

_Sorry, that was disturbingly long, but I kept thinking of more background information I wanted to tell you. Go, read! Hope you like it. :)_

* * *

"_You're a long walk in a rainstorm."_

She stared at the whiteboard, trying in vain for about the fourteenth time today to get the details to connect, to get everything to line up. The thought that Ryan had voiced earlier was pushing at the borders of her tired mind, threatening to break the surface: _If only Castle was here. He could come up with something._ But she wouldn't allow it to fully form, because if she thought of him she would get angry, and if she was angry she wouldn't be able to focus, and she was having enough trouble with this case already without losing her focus.

"Beckett." The sound of her own name pulled her out of her zone, and she snapped her head in the direction from which it had come. The chief was at the door of his office, beckoning her to join him, his trademark stern-but-kind expression on his face. _Shit._ Whatever this was, she already knew she wasn't going to like it.

"Sir?" she asked as she stepped into the office. He closed the door behind them, confirming what she'd already known. She wasn't going to like this.

"Go home, Detective," he said, not looking at her.

"What? No! Sir, we're so close. Now isn't the time to take a break."

He sighed, turning toward her. "Beckett, how dense do you think I am? I've been following this case. You have no idea where this guy might be. No solid leads. You don't even know for sure that he's your killer, and you're out of evidence. I'm sorry, and believe me, I know how hard it is to admit, but we've lost this one."

"But sir, if we could just—"

He interrupted her. "No buts. I'm cutting you off. In fact, I'm closing this case. And don't fight with me. Trust me, I don't want to do this any more than you want me to. It's a lot of paperwork, and I hate paperwork. But you've been going on this case for over a week, and we're not getting any closer to solving it. How long has it been since you've had a good night's sleep? Don't answer that, I know the answer. Too long. Go home and relax. It's late. And I don't want to see you in here tomorrow until at least noon. Consider it an order."

She pressed her lips together and let out her breath slowly, trying to retain her composure. "Sir," she finally managed to get out, letting her eyes slide closed for a second, "how do you expect me to get home? My car…" Earlier that day, when they were seconds away from apprehending the suspect that they didn't have any solid evidence against anyway, he'd managed to jump into his car and sandwich hers between his and a telephone pole before driving away. They'd found his car in an alley a few blocks away, but he appeared to have vanished without a trace. Thankfully no one had been in her car, but it was totaled.

"I'm sorry about your car," the chief cut in, "but don't expect me to believe you can't get home without it. This is New York, most people don't drive anyway. Take the subway. Take a cab. Get a ride with someone. I don't care. But go home."

Wordlessly, both because she didn't have anything else to say and because she didn't trust herself not to lose her temper if she opened her mouth, she stalked out of his office and to her desk to grab her things. Esposito must have noticed her fuming, because he was at her desk before she could get away from it, and she was moving fast.

"What?" he asked simply.

"Montgomery's closing the case," she bit out. "And banishing me 'til noon tomorrow."

"Closing the case?" he repeated.

She nodded.

"Oh. Well, it's not like we were making any headway anyway."

She left her desk and her friend, anger only increasing. She'd expected him to be on her side, outraged that they weren't being given the chance to finish what they'd started. His disappointed acceptance felt like a slap in the face. Everyone she'd trusted was letting her down. First Castle, then Montgomery, and now Esposito.

"Beckett, come on," he called after her. "You need a break. Hell, _I_ need a break."

Some part of her knew that what he said was true, but she wasn't willing to admit it at the moment. So she got on the elevator without looking back. And she wasn't sorry about it. She was far too pissed off to be sorry.

It was after midnight and she knew that taking the subway would most likely be unpleasant, and she wasn't in the mood to deal with that. In fact, she wasn't in the mood for any human contact whatsoever. Even giving directions to a cab driver felt like more than she could handle, not to mention that she was positive she didn't have enough money on her for a cab. She didn't like to carry much cash to work with her, for obvious reasons. And the adrenaline pumping through her led her to a clear solution to her transportation dilemma: walk.

She started off at a brisk pace. It was raining, and hard, but she didn't care. The rain fit. It matched her mood. She considered that Castle would appreciate the poetic nature of the situation, and almost laughed humorlessly as her anger increased and a thunderclap sounded. Since when was her life some kind of really ridiculously over-the-top movie?

A few blocks later, she was wet, cold, and beginning to question the wisdom of her decision to walk, but logic gave way to stubbornness, even as she passed the entrance to a subway station. She'd made it this far. She had to be close to halfway there. She could make it the rest of the way.

She saw the car slowing down beside her and instinctively took a step away from it, hand grasping her gun. But then something clicked in her brain and she let it go, balling her hand into a fist. That car almost looked like… but it couldn't have been. Could it?

"Kate," the voice, familiar, but one she hadn't heard in well over a month, came through the open window. It could, and it was. Castle. Her fist tightened. Why had he stopped? She kept walking, studiously ignoring him.

"Kate," he called again. "What the hell are you doing? It's pouring. Get in the car."

She picked up her pace. _Oh, hell no_.

He matched her stride with his car as a flash of lightning filled the sky. "Kate! It's storming. Don't be stupid. I know you're mad at me, but it's warm in here, and you've gotta be freezing."

A thunderclap so loud it made her jump sounded, and she still didn't answer him, but her mind started working. Warm sounded really good right now. As did dry. Not that she'd be dry, but she found herself wondering what she'd sacrifice to stop the constant pounding of water on her head, her clothes. Would she sacrifice her solitude? Her pride? No, she decided, but she was less set in her decision than she wanted to be. If he asked her again, she wasn't sure she'd be able to refuse. The dominant part of her hoped he'd give up and drive away, but a little traitorous voice in the very corner of her consciousness dared him to ask her just one more time, both because she did need the ride and, buried even deeper in that corner, because the sound of his voice reignited some kind of tiny spark inside of her that had been out since their last fight. And "fight" was definitely the word that would've classified it. It was much more than their usual verbal sparring, more than a disagreement, more than an argument. It was a fight. And a big one.

"Oh my God, Kate, get in the damn car," he pleaded. Actually pleaded. "Please?"

As she'd suspected, she found herself unable to refuse. Whether it was the heart-wrenchingly sincere note in his voice or the fact that she couldn't stop herself from imagining the feeling of warmth inside his car, she didn't bother to consider. But he stopped the car as she started walking toward it, and she got in without a word.

They rode silently for a few minutes, barring the sound of the raindrops constantly pelting the windshield, and though the car was warm, she was unable either to stop herself from shivering or to hide it from him. When they got to a light he took off his jacket and handed it to her. Grudgingly, she accepted it. Why did he have to be such a fucking gentleman? It was making it more difficult for her to stay mad at him. But she was an accomplished grudge-holder and she managed anyway, especially when she remembered the events that had let to her anger.

"I don't know the way to your apartment," he finally admitted, breaking the silence.

She sighed. Of course he didn't. How would he? But she was a little frustrated that she'd have to speak to him in order to give him directions. It was immature, and she felt like she was back in junior high, but the silent treatment was working for her, especially because she knew how much it had to be torturing him. "Right at the second light."

He nodded. Paused. "You're really still mad at me?" he asked after a beat. "It was months ago."

"You _slept_ with a _suspect_," she reminded him, making it clear through her tone alone that yes, she was still mad at him.

"She was innocent," he protested.

"You didn't know that."

"I had a feeling."

"How many times have I told you not to get involved with _anything_ related to my investigations while we're still investigating them?" she asked him, feeling her adrenaline building again. "How many times did I tell you during _that case_ to leave it alone? Leave _her_ alone? You couldn't have respected that? You couldn't have even pretended to give a damn? Well, that's fine. But we've been over this. I can't have people working with me who I can't trust."

"It didn't affect the investigation," he said quietly.

"The hell it didn't! I'm trying to question her and she knows you're in the other room watching, and she just keeps giggling. She's our primary murder suspect and she's _giggling!_ Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with? Did you even think about how the hell I was supposed to get any worthwhile information out of her when she was thinking more about your penis than my questions? Of course you didn't, because you never think about how your actions might affect anyone other than you. You were supposed to be my partner. You were supposed to make my job easier, not ten times harder. Apparently that's too much for you to handle, and that's fine. I can't ask you to be someone you're not. But I can't work with you anymore. We're done. I already told you that, and don't expect this little car ride to change it." She spotted her building and pointed it out without missing a beat. "That one right there, on the left."

"That's not why I picked you up." He slowed to a stop outside of her building. "Believe what you want, but that wasn't the reason." He held up his hand to stop her as she started to take off his coat. "Keep it. You need it more than I do. If we run into each other again, you can give it back to me then. Otherwise…" he shrugged, pain registering clearly on his face. "Just keep it. I don't care."

She swallowed, nodded once, and stepped out of the car and back out into the rain, slamming the door behind her. She blinked back tears whose cause she didn't want to determine as she ducked into her building, unsure which was worse, the rainstorm outside or the one she'd found inside the car, whose chilling, dampening effects she felt just as powerfully.

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_I love reviews! I love them always, but especially since this is a new story, I want to know what you think!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Wow. Just wow. I got over 20 reviews on the first chapter of this, which is more feedback than I've gotten for a single chapter of anything, ever. So thank you so much for the support. I know I replied to a lot of you, but I tend to reply kind of sporadically, so if I didn't, know that I still think you're awesome. For those of you who are a little unsure about the angsty-ness, I apologize in advance for this chapter. It's definitely no more cheerful than the first. But I promise that it won't be like this forever._

_There was one thing that I wanted to address because a lot of you commented on it. What Castle did. Bad? Yes. Extreme? Yes. Out of character... maybe. I would hope so anyway, because unlike a lot of what I write, I would never want to see it happen on the show. And I'm paranoid about writing things OOC, so that is probably the first and only time I will ever say that I hope a character wouldn't actually do something I wrote about. But for the way I started this to work, I needed something for them to really fight about, something that just day to day Castle annoyingness wouldn't account for. And this is what I came up with. You'll get a little more background about the way that whole situation went down... right now, actually. And I'm sure more will come out as this progresses._

_Expect another update pretty soon. Like most of you I'm sure, I'm trying to survive the very long four days that remain until Knockdown, and my plan is to totally immerse myself in writing, especially over the weekend. The primary goal of that is just to get myself through, but if I manage to update pretty often and help to pull some of you along with me, so much the better. :)_

* * *

"_You're a cut that refuses to heal."_

As she stepped into her dismal little sublet, all she could think about was taking the longest, hottest shower of her life. On her way to the bathroom she reflected on how much she hated this place. It had no personality, and no matter how she set the thermostat, it always seemed cold. It was colder than Castle's car had been, at least temperature-wise. Even figuratively, it might have been a little warmer, but not much. If it wasn't for Castle, she reflected, if he'd never come into her life to begin with, she might still be in her old apartment, the one she'd loved. The one that had actually felt like home. Instead she was stuck here. It gave her a whole other reason to be mad at him, and she embraced it.

She stripped off her soaking wet clothes, leaving everything, including his jacket, in a pile on her bathroom floor, and set the water to an almost scalding temperature. She tried to let her mind go blank, concentrating on nothing but the feel of the hot water as it pounded against her skin, so hot that it actually left behind red marks, but couldn't seem to keep him out of her thoughts. She kept seeing his face, the depth of the hurt there when he considered whether he'd ever see her again.

She told herself she didn't care. She shouldn't care. He'd made his choice, and he'd chosen _her._ Caroline Traum. The trampy, but admittedly gorgeous, murder suspect. And because of this choice, he was no longer a part of her life.

The sad part was that he probably didn't even fully understand why what he'd done was so bad. Yes, what she'd told him in the car was true. He had messed up her investigation. He had made her job more difficult. But he'd been making her job more difficult since day one. She'd come to expect it, and she'd learned to deal with it. He'd even been involved with women who were connected to her cases before. Kyra Blaine. Ellie Monroe. Madison Queller. Each time it had bothered her, although she would never have admitted it, but she'd been able to move past it. This was different.

For one thing, at least to her knowledge, Ellie was the only one of these three women that he'd actually slept with, and she'd never been a suspect. Kyra and Madison had technically, but she'd never really believed either of them to be guilty. Caroline had been their primary suspect, if only because they'd been able to come up with no other realistic possibilities for the first few days. But for some reason, Castle had connected with her. He'd never really believed her to be guilty even when everyone else did, and he'd worked harder than ever to clear her. When the evidence did finally prove her innocent and they found the real killer, Beckett had actually been proud of him for sticking with it the way he had. Until she found out that his motives had been different from what she'd thought.

But the dominant reason that his actions upset her so much was something completely different. At the time of the incident, it had been a month since he'd broken up with Gina, and just under a week since she'd ended things with Josh. The second part, of course, he hadn't known, because she'd been too private, or scared, or _stupid_ to tell him.

But they had been getting closer. Or, at least, she'd thought they had. They'd hit a really good rhythm with their cases, and even the complex ones had been closing relatively quickly. There had been more shared meals after long days and late nights, which led to more small talk, which led to more sharing of personal topics. She'd known when Alexis had started applying to colleges. He'd known when she was fighting with her cable company over how high her bill was considering she hardly ever watched TV.

They were small things, but it was the small things together that made up life. The more small things you knew about a person, the more involved you were in their life, and she and Castle were becoming more and more involved in each other's lives. She'd been letting him in more and more, and she was just gathering the nerve to tell him about Josh, and maybe even ask him if he wanted to do something outside of work some time, when she'd found out about Caroline.

He hadn't told her of course, but she could tell. She could always tell. This time it was less her impeccable detective skills and more that Caroline had been under surveillance, but that wasn't the point.

She'd felt hurt, betrayed, and, mostly, stupid. How could she have let herself think that she could trust him? Why had she told him so much? She knew what Castle was like. Why had she allowed herself to make these mistakes? She'd been setting herself up for hurt. She told herself that Caroline had come into the equation at exactly the right time, before she'd become too emotionally involved. Before she had taken things to another level. As it was, she kept telling herself, she could just move on. Cut him out of her life. Get rid of the constant reminder of the mistake she'd made. She didn't care anymore.

But all this time she'd been trying to fool herself that _he_ didn't care. It made it easier to imagine that he'd completely written her out of his life, although in reality she knew that this wasn't possible, not with any meaning of the word "written." He was still under contract to write more Nikki Heat books, and she knew he'd observed her for long enough that he could continue to do so without continuing to shadow her. If she thought about it, she knew that because of the way he'd handled the character to this point, he wouldn't be able to write Nikki without at least thinking about her.

Now though, with his tortured face flashing in her mind, the image alternately making her feel nauseous and bringing tears to her eyes, she was having trouble convincing herself that she only remained in his life on a professional basis. Even if she could forget the face, which she couldn't, not matter how hard she tried, if she was just a character to him, why had he given her a ride? For research purposes he might've slowed down and tried to find out what she was doing, but he wouldn't have offered—insisted, really—to drive her home.

Besides that, he hadn't really even asked her why she was out in the rain to begin with. He had at first, but when she didn't answer him he dropped it. He knew nothing about her car or her failed case, had no idea that because of her there was a murderer walking around free, maybe in New York, or maybe, for all she knew, in Fiji by now. She tried to tell herself that he hadn't pressed because he didn't really care, but she couldn't quite make herself believe it. She knew him far too well. If he truly didn't care, he would have pressed. He would have stopped at nothing to get his answers, to form his story. The only reason he would have held back was that he was being careful. He was tiptoeing around her, not wanting to upset her any more than he already had. The problem was that his care came too late. The damage had already been done. She couldn't find it in her heart to forgive him, and the fact that deep down she knew that he cared about her, that he always had and those feelings hadn't just gone away, only made it harder to cope.

The few bitter tears that she didn't bother to choke back mixed with the hot water that she allowed to run over her face as she tried to tell herself that she'd be happy if she never saw him again. It was a bold-faced lie, but if she thought it enough times, it might become the truth. At least, that was what she was banking on.

It was with reluctance that she finally turned off the water. The feeling of warmth cascading down her skin was the only thing bringing her any pleasure at all, but it had to end eventually. Everything good had to end eventually. Like her partnership with Castle. It had been good for awhile, but it had to end.

She got dressed and then went back to the bathroom to deal with the wet clothes she'd left on the floor. She hung her things over the shower curtain bar, but was left holding his jacket, wondering what to do with it. Part of her wanted to throw it in some corner where she'd never look and forget that she had it, but it was wet, and if she did that it wouldn't dry, and then it would start to smell, so forgetting that she had it wouldn't exactly be an option. Instead, she hung it on the back of her bathroom door, deciding she'd let it dry first and figure out what to do with it later.

She went to bed after that, since it was after one in the morning and she was exhausted. She tried to empty her mind, not to think about anything that had happened that day, but she couldn't seem to do it. She kept thinking about the case, and about what Ryan had said about Castle being able to come up with something. She wished she could fully believe that he was wrong. Was she really so pathetic that she needed a novelist to help her do her job?

No, she told herself. She didn't. She'd done just fine before he came along. How hard could it be to go back to that? To simply pretend he'd never been a part of her life to begin with? _Every cop in the world loses a case from time to time._ It was the mantra she'd been taught to repeat every time she lost one. But it didn't make her feel any better. It never really had. She wasn't content to be just like every other cop. She wanted to be better, to push harder, to solve more cases. And she couldn't help but realize that working with Castle was the one thing that had set her apart from everyone else.

But it didn't matter, because they weren't working together anymore. She would not give in. She would not forgive him. She would not take him back. But a different, traitorous thought drifted lazily through her mind as she started to fall asleep. Try as she might, she would not forget him either.


	3. Chapter 3

_To everyone who reviewed the last chapter: thank you so much. I know there wasn't a whole lot going on there in the way of plot advancement. This one should be a bit more eventful. And as I am trying to survive the still two and a half long days til Knockdown... reading a bunch of reviews would definitely make the time go faster. Hint, hint. :)_

* * *

"_You're a dull ache that I can't shake."_

She walked into the precinct the next day at exactly twelve. Not a minute before, as per the captain's orders, but not a minute after, either. She found that the time away and the full night of sleep had mellowed her a little. She still wasn't happy to let the case go, but she'd accepted it. She even recognized that Montgomery had made the right call and was no longer angry with him.

She spotted Ryan and Esposito as she made her way to her desk. Of course they were there already. They hadn't been told they weren't allowed to show up until noon, even though Esposito hadn't left until after her the previous night. Maybe she was still a little bitter about her banishment. But bitterness wasn't the only feeling summoned when she saw Esposito. She remembered how cold she'd been to him the night before, and she regretted it. After all, he hadn't done anything wrong besides admit a little more quickly than she had that the chief was right.

She set her things down on her desk and then caught his eye, nodding toward the nearest available interview room. He got her meaning and followed her, and she closed the door behind them. "Listen," she began, "I'm shouldn't have walked out on you like I did last night. Sorry."

"Eh, don't worry about it. We're cool."

"Good. Thanks." She sighed. "It's just, the case—"

He interrupted her. "I said we're cool, didn't I?"

She nodded, thankful that she didn't have to try and explain. He understood. When it came to work, her colleagues almost always understood. "Thanks," she repeated. Having said all she'd come to say, she started for the door.

"Hold on."

She turned back toward him, a questioning look on her face.

"How long are you gonna let this go on?"

She honestly had no idea what he was talking about. "What?"

"You need to call him."

"Who?" But now she knew exactly what he meant. She just didn't need for him to know that she knew, that he was still so close to her thoughts that he came to the surface with so little prompting.

But Esposito wasn't buying it. "You know who. I don't even wanna say his name because every time someone does you either get pissed off or you get all mopey on us."

"I do not get _mopey._ Look, I get that you guys liked having him around, but—"

He interrupted her. "It's got nothing to do with us. Ever since he left, you've been completely blah. Not with work, but with everything else. You're not laughing at people's jokes, you're not commenting on anything, you're barely even talking to anyone. And Ryan's noticed too, so this isn't just coming from me."

"Okay, I get that you two hang out outside of work, but don't talk about me."

"And Lanie agrees."

She rolled her eyes angrily. Originally she'd thought the romance between her two friends was a good thing, but now? Now she wasn't so sure. "Oh, come on. Now you're talking to Lanieabout me? When was this?"

"Couple days ago."

"You know what? I don't even care," she said, fuming. "All of you need to get a hobby or something. Castle and I are done. Our little partnership is over. He is no longer a part of my life. I'm not going to call him, and I'm not going to talk to him. I don't care if I never see him again. So drop it." For the second time in two days, she stormed out on Esposito. She tried not to think of how ironic it was that the conversation was ending with the same action that had prompted the apology that started it, simply because the thought of irony reminded her of Castle. She made a mental note to use the term incorrectly later just to spite him, not that he'd ever know it.

The way Ryan was looking at her as she came out of the room, it was evident that he knew, or at least guessed, what his partner had talked to her about. She avoided his eyes and went straight for her desk. She would not be discussing this further, nor would she be accepting any sympathetic looks from Ryan. She knew his and Esposito's tactics, and she would not let them play good cop/bad cop with her. They were good guys, and she knew their hearts were in the right place, but she was determined not to give in.

She settled into her desk in front of the obnoxiously large pile of paperwork that tended to happen when they closed a case without making an arrest. Today's work would be tedious and unexciting, but at least it was a distraction from both her thoughts and the irritating concern of her coworkers.

Eventually she fell into a rhythm with the paperwork and was moving through it at a decent pace. Esposito was right, she wasn't talking to anyone, but that was because she was a little annoyed with her friends right now and she was trying to get work done, not because she was horribly upset about Castle's absence. She almost laughed at the thought. This was her world. He'd never belonged here in the first place.

When the phone rang, she wasn't sure whether to hope for a case to break up the monotony, or hope it was something else so she could get through some more of her deskwork before creating more of it. But by the third ring she'd decided that it didn't much matter what she was hoping for, and picked it up. "Beckett."

The woman on the other end of the phone sighed. "Nice to hear your voice again, darling. This is Martha Rodgers. You remember me, I'm sure?"

Her heart skipped a beat. "Martha, of course." But why would she be calling? It couldn't be for any good reason, could it? She'd been telling herself she didn't care anymore, but what if something had happened to him, or to Alexis? She tried to keep the note of panic out of her voice, as was part of her job, but she wasn't sure she succeeded completely. "Is everything okay?"

"Now, if everything was okay, I would have no reason to call you, would I?"

Now her heart seemed to jump into her throat. "What happened?" Both Ryan and Esposito had dropped all pretense of not watching her, and were standing beside her desk listening attentively. She was actually grateful for it, and poised herself to start giving orders.

"I was rather hoping you could tell me that, actually."

She frowned. Martha's tone was nonchalant, and if something had really happened to her family surely she wouldn't be playing games right now, Castle's mother or not. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You saw Richard last night, didn't you?"

She felt her face flush and waved the other two detectives off. Clearly this wasn't anything she'd need their help with, or want them listening to. They went back to their desks and pretended to do other things, but she could tell they were still trying to eavesdrop. "Uh, yeah," she told Martha, not giving anything away since, fortunately, her audience could only hear her side of the conversation. "How did you know that?"

"Sweetheart, a mother always knows," she said in that wise but almost sarcastic manner she had. "He's been in a funk like no other since the incident between the two of you. He hasn't written a blessed thing, he's barely been speaking to me… even Alexis was having trouble breaking through. And then around midnight last night he decided he simply had to have popcorn, so he went out. When he came back he had the popcorn, but it took him much longer than it should have, and he was… shaken. Since then he's been locked in his study almost constantly, and I don't think he's said two words to anyone. Now there's only one person in the world I can think of who could have had this effect on him, so I called you. Maybe you can give me some insight into what happened last night, since he is absolutely no help."

She sighed. There was no way she could answer Martha's question, even evasively, with Esposito and Ryan listening. "Can I call you back in just a minute?"

Martha agreed and gave the detective her number. Beckett ducked into one of the interview rooms for privacy, with a quick thought about how she was abusing their purpose today, grudgingly dialed Martha's number from her cell phone. As much as she didn't want to talk to the mother of the person she was desperately trying to forget about, she couldn't not call her back.

"Detective," Martha answered.

She couldn't see the point in wasting time with greetings when she'd just spoken with the woman thirty seconds ago, so she got right back to Martha's question. "Yeah, my car got wrecked during a case and he saw me walking home, so he gave me a ride." She decided that much sufficed as an answer. The part about her car was actually more than Castle had known. "That's all that happened."

"Well, at least now we're getting somewhere. But what happened in the car? Did you talk? Did you fight? I'm not blaming you for anything, Kate. I know what he did, and I know he was at fault. My son is a good man, but he doesn't always make the best decisions. Call it a family trait."

"We… argued." Was she really discussing this, in any capacity, with his mother? "But not about anything we hadn't already been through. Now if you'll excuse me, I really need to get back to work. And I don't want to discuss this anymore."

"Just a second. I know Richard isn't perfect by any means, but he is my son. I'm not going to try to defend what he did. He made a mistake, but I promise you there's no one in the world that understands the gravity of that choice better than he does. Now, I'm not asking you to go back to working with him every day, but if he were to go to you and apologize, could you at least forgive him? I think it would mean more than you realize."

She felt the familiar ache buried somewhere deep inside of her, the same one that made itself known every time someone so much as mentioned his name. And she knew the answer she had to give. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "I'm sorry, Martha. I can't." With a heavy sigh, she hung up the phone.


	4. Chapter 4

_First and foremost: happy Castle day!_

_There is nothing else important enough for me to say at the same time as that. But I can't resist the urge to blabber, so all other comments will be relocated to the end of the chapter. Well, not relocated. They were never located to begin with. But, uh... that's where they are. For the moment... hope you enjoy._

* * *

"_You're a cold that's clogging up my head."_

When she finally managed to collect herself enough to venture back out into the bullpen, she was met outside the door by Ryan and Esposito, as she'd known she would be. "Was that Castle's mom?" Ryan asked, still looking a little worried. "What did she want?"

"For the two of you to mind your own business," she shot. She wasn't going to lie to them, but she wasn't going to tell them she'd seen Castle the night before, either.

"Beckett. Really." Esposito wore the face that said he wasn't messing around. "Everything's okay there? There isn't anything we need to know?"

She suddenly felt very tired. "No," she said, closing her eyes for a brief moment. "If there was, I would've told you."

"Look, I know what he did was bad, but I really think—"

"Javier." That stopped him. She hardly ever used his first name, and this was clearly wrath, not endearment. "I am done discussing this. With you, and with everyone. Now please leave me alone, I have work to do."

She headed for her desk without looking back, but knowing that they were still standing there watching. Wondering. Worrying. They meant well, but it was annoying. So she hadn't been in the best mood lately. It wasn't that big of a deal. She'd get used to the way things were now, they same way they'd been before, and everything would go back to normal. It would just take time.

But before she got any more work done, Ryan appeared in front of her desk.

"Ryan, what did I just say?" she snapped as soon as she saw him. "I don't want to talk about it."

He shifted nervously, but the expression on his face was determined and he didn't look away. "No, uh, I was just going to grab some lunch and I didn't know if you wanted anything."

She sighed, feeling like the world's biggest jerk. Actually, the world's _second_ biggest jerk. The world's biggest was the one who had put her in this mood in the first place. It was hard not to group Ryan and Esposito together sometimes, but they were far from the same person. Esposito was the one who'd been pushing her, getting on her nerves. Ryan had done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve the shortness of her temper. "I'm good," she told him, making a conscious effort to soften her tone, "but thanks."

"You sure? Coffee? Anything?"

She wanted to say no thanks again, determined not to give in to the idea of being cheered up, but she was in desperate need of caffeine after that last phone call, and liked the idea of being able to get it without going into the break room. There she would've been faced with the choice of the good coffee from the fancy machine that _he_ had bought for them, or the coffee from the old machine that she could no longer drink without remembering that he'd said it tasted "like a monkey peed in battery acid."

_How ironic, _she thought pointedly, _that I can't even get coffee at work anymore without thinking of him._ But her misuse of the term, though only in her own head, didn't give her the catharsis she was hoping for. She couldn't turn off the little voice in her head telling her that, in reality, there was nothing ironic about it, and even thinking it made her feel stupid. She was glad she hadn't said it out loud.

Although not ironic, her thought was true. She couldn't get coffee at the precinct without thinking of him. For the past month, she'd actually been doing all she could to avoid the break room altogether. "Coffee would be great," she found herself telling Ryan with a feeble smile.

"You got it." He forced a goofy grin like only Ryan could do and she found her lame pretend smile turning into a real one.

* * *

Unfortunately, the coffee wasn't the only thing at the station that reminded her of Castle. There were a thousand other little things. The empty chair where he'd always sat. Her favorite pen, the one she'd often caught him writing with when he'd thought she wasn't paying attention. The elevator he'd once gotten stuck inside.

And then there was the weird situation with her two closest coworkers. After her conversation, if you could call it that, with Esposito that morning and then the phone call from Martha that afternoon, they'd both been acting really strange. If they were trying to play the good cop/bad cop scenario, they were taking it to such an extreme that it no longer had any chance of success. In fact, if anything, their approaches were cancelling each other out. Esposito kept giving her these pointed looks, like she was the one who was being stubborn for refusing to forgive Castle. Ryan was being sweet as anything and kept smilingly offering to do things for her, which was almost as annoying.

For once, at the end of the day she was relieved to get back to her comfortless sublet, without the constant reminders of the incident—and the person—she was doing her best to forget. When she went into her bathroom and saw his coat hanging on the back of her door, she fought back the urge to scream, purely out of frustration. He wasn't even there, and still he wouldn't leave her alone. Try as she might to erase him, he was still such a presence in her mind that she couldn't seem to think clearly.

Finding that she didn't have the energy to figure out what to actually do with the jacket, she made sure that it was dry and then shoved it under her bed. Out of sight, out of mind.

* * *

As she walked into the precinct, she prepared herself for another long day. She hoped for a new case to engross her, to distract both herself and her colleagues. She didn't think she could handle another full day of mind-numbing paperwork. It gave her thoughts too much latitude to wander, too much opportunity to get distracted. She knew the captain was probably trying to give her and her team a break after that last case, but she also knew that he couldn't afford for that break to last long. They were some of his best detectives, and if a case that was especially tough or weird came along, or if there were more people murdered than other detectives to investigate, their reprieve would certainly come to an end.

As she waited for the elevator, Ryan strolled in carrying two coffees. "Hey," he said, handing her one. "How you doing?"

"I'm fine, Ryan," she sighed, annoyed that the first thing out of his mouth was concern-ridden. But he'd given her coffee, so she found that she couldn't be too frustrated with him. "Thanks."

He nodded, but raised his eyebrows doubtfully. God, her friends were annoying. The elevator arrived and they both stepped inside. "Esposito's up there already," Ryan told her.

She glanced at her father's watch. "Early for him, isn't it?"

He shrugged. "That's what I thought. He sent me a text a little while ago, said there was something I had to see."

She frowned. "Weird."

"Yeah, I know. Ought to be interesting."

She sighed. It was probably nothing, but still… if there was something Esposito was keeping from Ryan, that made her a little nervous.

But when the elevator arrived on their floor, she didn't immediately see him. She made for her desk, as always, deciding whatever he'd been referring to was something between him and Ryan that she probably didn't even want to know about.

As she draped her coat over the back of her chair, she noticed something on her desk that she was sure she hadn't left there. It was another coffee. Frowning, she put her hand on the outside of the cardboard cup. Still warm. She smiled and figured it must be from Esposito, a kind of apology for the way he'd acted the day before. He had no way of knowing his partner had also brought her a cup, and it was a well-known fact that bringing her coffee was the quickest way back into her good graces.

But then she heard the jumbled sound of raised voices coming from the break room, and recognizing them as the voices of her two coffee-bearers, went almost at a jog to see what was going on. The scene she met stopped her in her tracks.

A very dejected-looking Castle stood between the boys, who were literally glaring at one another.

Part of her wished she was more surprised.

"What the hell is he doing here?"

Esposito glanced at her nervously, but his response was confident. Almost rehearsed. "He needs to do more research for his next book, and since you won't let him shadow you anymore, he's going to work with me and Ryan."

"Oh no. No," Ryan asserted firmly, looking at her, his face a type of serious she had seldom ever seen. "I have no part in this." He turned to his partner, livid. "What the hell are you thinking?"

"Ryan," Esposito said through clenched teeth, "can I talk to you for a second?" But instead of waiting for an answer, he pulled his partner out of the break room, leaving her alone with _him._

She could tell he was looking at her, but she made a concerted effort not to so much as return his glance. She didn't want to give him that satisfaction. She didn't want to give him _any_ satisfaction.

After a long moment, she turned on her heel and went back to her desk. She realized with a wave of annoyance that the coffee cup that had been left there was identical to the one he was holding. The coffee wasn't from Esposito after all. It was from Castle.

She saw him tentatively exiting the break room and dropped the full cup into a nearby trashcan, making sure that he saw. It was a waste of perfectly good (and expensive… the cup was from Starbucks) coffee, but she was beyond caring.

Ryan and Esposito had stepped into one of the interview rooms, and she could hear their raised voices coming through the door. The disadvantage to those rooms was that, while more private than the middle of the bullpen where their desks were, they all had big windows. Normally she would have minded her own business, but because she was sure a lot of their disagreement was about her, she casually meandered to a place where she could see them. She sighed. It wasn't that unusual for Esposito to lose his temper, but Ryan? She'd hardly ever known him to even raise his voice, and when he did it was only as his job required. He was one of the calmest people she had ever met. He never even yelled at suspects he was interrogating. For him to actually be yelling at Esposito… it was a big deal.

"What the hell is going on in there?" a voice came from behind her, making her jump. She'd been immersed in her own thoughts and hadn't heard the captain coming.

She turned to him and stammered a little, trying to figure out how to explain the very weird situation that was going on. But then he saw Castle walking toward them, and his question was answered. He threw open the door to the room where the two detectives were arguing and spoke in his most authoritative voice. "My office. Now."

Esposito and Ryan followed him, looking like a couple of mischievous schoolboys called to the principal's office. Beckett sighed as they walked past, feeling somewhat responsible. But Montgomery's next order made her feel even worse, and for completely different reasons.

"All four of you."

* * *

_Nice little twist for you there. Hopefully it wasn't too sharp a turn, I wouldn't want to lose anyone. Everyone still on board? Do I need to send out the lifeboats? I'm also aware of the little cliffhanger at the end. Might as well keep you on your toes. I have absolutely no idea how the boat you are all apparently on managed to find a cliff... maybe it's a waterfall? Yeah, that must be it. So the boat was about to go over the waterfall but there was a big rock in the way that stopped it... that rock, apparently, being the fact that I haven't written any more yet. So, um, I'll work on that for you, and try to somehow get the rock out of the way without sending you... plummeting to your death. Okay, liking that metaphor a little less now._

_I'm sorry, I'm very excited, both about Knockdown being tonight and about the fact that I just outlined a bunch more of this story, so I actually have a lot more of an idea of where it's going than I did... an hour ago... and apparently when you're me, excessive excitement leads to the in-depth creation of ridiculous metaphors. But anyway, despite the rough voyage, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I also hope you remember that you leaving reviews leads to me being a very, very happy author. Thanks so much, as always, for your time, patience, and feedback._


	5. Chapter 5

_Not to make excuses, but I wrote and edited most of this on two hours of sleep, so any and all typos/errors/oversights are probably a product of that. I'm sorry if this isn't my best chapter (personally, it's not one of my favorites...), but pretty much all the major characters at the precinct get their fifteen minutes, so provided I didn't do a really awful job writing them in my sleep-deprived state, that part should be interesting. Hope you like!_

* * *

"_Or a broke watch, keeping time still,"_

"Someone want to tell me what's going on here?" Montgomery demanded once the three detectives and the writer were gathered in his small office with the door closed.

At first, no one spoke. Ryan glared at Esposito. Esposito glared at Beckett. Beckett glared at Castle. Castle just stood there, head hung. Actually ashamed. She hadn't realized that was an emotion he was capable of feeling. Not that it made the slightest difference.

"Let me rephrase that," the captain said. "Someone _better_ tell me what the hell is going on here."

It was Esposito who finally answered, giving him the same practiced response he'd given Beckett. "Castle needed to do more research for his book and Beckett won't let him shadow her anymore, so he's going to shadow me."

"And you didn't think to clear that with me first?"

He shrugged.

"It's my fault, Sir," Castle cut in, picking up his head. "I figured it would be okay, given my relationship with the mayor. And I'm not exactly a stranger here."

Montgomery sighed. Beckett knew he hated when people went over his head, and Castle had the ability to do just that. "No, you're not. But listen, I don't care who you're friends with, no one does anything in my department without clearing it with me first. Do you hear me?"

Castle and Esposito both nodded guiltily.

"I have no problem with him sticking around," the captain said. "He's been helpful before, and God knows we've had enough problems with case closure lately. I don't care what's happened between you two," he nodded toward Beckett and Castle, "or you two," he indicated Ryan and Esposito, "or anyone else. You'd all best figure out how to get along, because like it or not, you're on the same team. Leave your personal drama at home. And for God's sake, keep it out of my interrogation rooms." He scowled at his detectives. "That goes for all three of you. You know they all have cameras, don't you? Even the ones without the mirrors?"

Beckett felt herself blush. She did know, but it was a fact she'd conveniently forgotten about. That meant her side of the phone conversation with Martha had been caught on tape, as had her argument with Esposito. "I'm sorry, Sir," she murmured as Ryan and Esposito made similar apologies. "It won't happen again."

"You're damn right it won't. Now, a body just dropped and I'm inclined to assign it to the four of you. That gonna be a problem?"

"The four of us? Sir, _he _doesn't work here," she reminded him, glaring at Castle.

"Officially, no he doesn't. Unofficially, he's been an asset to us in the past, and I'm not in a position right now to be turning away potential assets. If he's willing to help, then help is what he'll do. Castle? Are you willing to help?"

"Absolutely," he said without hesitation, looking solely at the captain.

"Good. Then I expect you all to work out your differences, or at the very least tolerate one another enough to make it through this case. Understood?"

"Sir—" Beckett started to protest, outraged. How could he do this? How could Esposito do this?

"Beckett," he said sternly, "this conversation is over. _Understood?"_

"Understood," she muttered through clenched teeth. She turned and left the office, deciding it was better to away from of the situation before she completely lost her temper. She didn't wait for the details on the case. Someone, hopefully Ryan, would either give her the file or tell her where the body was soon enough.

Sure enough, within a couple of minutes, Ryan was handing her a file. "Jane Doe, just outside of Central Park," he told her.

She nodded, glancing through the file for more specific information about the location. "Okay," she said when she found it. "How're we doing this?"

"Castle's working with Esposito," he told her, although she already knew. "I'm with you."

She nodded, picking up her jacket. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

"I don't need a partner, you know," she told Ryan as she wound through New York traffic on the way to the scene. "Remember, I didn't have one before Castle showed up. Obviously I work with you and Esposito a lot of the time, but I can work by myself too. It's not a problem. You don't have to partner up with me like this."

"Beckett. Come on. You're a better cop than anyone I know. Of course you don't _need_ a partner. Sometimes it just makes things easier." He sighed. "And after what Esposito did to you, I have no interest in working too closely with him right now."

"I'm sorry," she said, keeping her eyes focused on the road not because she was being a responsible driver, but because she didn't want to look at Ryan while she said this. "You guys fought because of me."

"No, we fought because he did something stupid and blindsided all of us. He knew you told Castle he couldn't come back. He knew you didn't want to see him. He saw your face every time someone even mentioned him, or we walked past a bookstore and his books were in the window display. And then he tells Castle he can shadow him, without even giving either one of us a heads-up? That's inexcusable."

Everything Ryan said was true, but she was a little embarrassed to hear it, especially with the unmistakable tone of understanding compassion in his voice. "I still feel bad that you guys are fighting. He's your friend."

"He's my best friend. Doesn't change the fact that he's being an idiot."

She laughed humorlessly as she arrived at the scene and parked the car. "Guess not." With that the conversation ended and she took a long breath, mentally, emotionally, and physically preparing herself for another crime scene.

* * *

She managed to convince Ryan to let her go down to the morgue to talk to Lanie on her own. She was grateful for that, because, as she'd figured would be the case, after giving her the rundown on what she'd found concerning the body, she moved on to other matters.

"I heard a certain excommunicated writer is back at the station," she told her friend. "How's that going?"

"Even better when I'm not talking about it."

But Lanie wasn't going to accept that answer, as Beckett had known she wouldn't. "Nice try. I heard there's some tension back at the station."

Beckett sighed. "Esposito told you?"

Lanie nodded. "And you really should cut him a little slack. He thought he was doing the right thing."

"Lanie, come on. How, in any universe, could what he did possibly be construed as right?"

"You haven't been yourself since you had your falling out with Castle. And don't even try to deny it, we've all noticed. It was obvious that you weren't going to fix things on your own, so he thought maybe he could give you a little push. Right or not, his heart was in the right place."

"Even if you're right, what about Castle? You gonna tell me his heart was in the right place when he slept with that woman?" She bit back a bitter chuckle. "What heart?"

Lanie crossed to where her friend stood and gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "Know that I'm on your side. Always, but with this specifically. What he did sucked, and don't expect me to explain what the hell he could possibly have been thinking. But whatever mistakes he's made, one thing you cannot accuse Richard Castle of being is heartless. If anything, his problem is that he makes too many decisions with his heart and not enough with his head."

She nodded a little grudgingly, knowing that what Lanie said was true. "I'm just not ready to forgive him," she said softly. "I don't know if I ever will be."

Lanie nodded. "I understand that. I do. And I'm not asking you to. All I'm asking you to do is cut Javier a little slack. And see if you can't get Ryan to do the same. You guys are two of his best friends, and he might not be willing to admit it, but both of you freezing him out is killing him."

She sighed. "Okay. I'll try. But it's gonna be tough at work because he's working with Castle. And I'm trying to avoid him as much as I can."

"That's fine. Just… you know. At least let Javi know you forgive him. That's all I can really ask."

"I'll do that."

"Good. Good." Just as Beckett was about to excuse herself, Lanie spoke again. "How weird is that dynamic right now? Javi and Castle working together, and you and Ryan?"

"Very," she breathed. "In some respects it's almost like everything's back to normal, but at the same time it's so completely different." She shook her head a little sadly. "Everything got so messed up, Lanie."

The M.E. ran the hand that still rested on the detective's shoulder down her arm, letting it rest on her friend's forearm. "I know, baby. But it won't be like this forever. Things have a way of working themselves out."

* * *

_To be perfectly honest, today was a really rough day for me. So, you know, not to play the guilt card (although if I have it in my hand I might as well play it, right?), but getting lots of reviews would improve things greatly. Thank you so much, as always!_


	6. Chapter 6

"'_Til you pull me in, pull me in, and I can't fight."_

She'd been thinking about everything Lanie had said, mostly about Esposito, but about everything else too, since she left the morgue. But it wasn't until the next day that she was ready to make good on her promise to her friend.

She waited until Esposito and Castle went into the break room for coffee. She'd known that Castle would be at the precinct that day, and had brought his jacket with her, needing to get it out of her apartment. She took the opportunity afforded to her by the two men's absence to venture over to Esposito's desk and drape the coat over the back of the chair. The chair that had used to be a permanent fixture at the side of her desk, now relocated to a similar position beside Esposito's. It seemed wrong, somehow, that it was here, situated on this particular part of the bullpen floor. The scene looked so right, so normal, and yet so foreign.

That done, his jacket and with it, hopefully, her memories of that unpleasant night now gone from her life, she went over to Ryan's desk. "I think we should cut Esposito a little slack," she told the younger detective before he was able to say anything at all to her, purposely leaving Lanie's name out of the discussion. She knew that, in all probability, the only way Ryan would go for this was if he believed it came directly from her, the friend that he was unnecessarily but sweetly trying to protect. "I'm not happy with what he did, but I think in his own way he was trying to help."

But Ryan wasn't ready to back down just yet. "He shouldn't have told Castle he could come back."

"I agree. But what's done is done." Since when had _that_ been her philosophy? She shrugged. "I can forgive him. And you probably should too."

"You're really just going to drop this? No hard feelings?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I didn't say that, did I? I just said I was going to forgive him."

The two men came out of the break room carrying their coffee. Castle had two cups and tried to hand one to her, but she completely ignored him, failing to acknowledge that she could even see him, although he was standing right in front of her. It seemed to be the easiest, least painful way to deal with Castle being there. To simply pretend that he wasn't.

Since Ryan followed her lead and wouldn't take the other coffee either, he handed it to the next cop that walked by, who accepted it graciously. _"Someone_ appreciates my coffee," he muttered, loudly enough that all three of his team members, even the reluctant two, could hear.

"I woulda taken it, bro," Esposito assured him.

"You already had your own cup." With the closest thing to a smile that he could muster, he glanced from Ryan's face, which was surprisingly close to a withering stare, to Beckett's, which she hoped was utterly blank. When he received no response he sighed and left the group, wandering across the room to stare at the murder board.

"How long are you two gonna give us the silent treatment?" Esposito asked after Castle left. "A week? A month? Forever?"

"Him?" Beckett asked, nodding in Castle's direction, momentarily breaking her rule of pretending he wasn't there, "Forever. You, we're done. At least, I am. Takes too much effort while we're working a case together."

"Ryan?"

He sighed and looked at Beckett, who nodded. "Fine." He punched his friend's arm just a little too hard for it to be playful. "But you're still a moron."

* * *

Beckett sighed heavily as she left the interrogation room with Ryan, this time having used it for an actual interrogation. The suspect had led them to a dead end.

"So that was a bust," Ryan muttered. "Maybe the other two found something?"

"Yeah, let's hope." Esposito and Castle had been calling potential witnesses in search of new leads. "Why don't you go find out?" Rather than going to ask Esposito herself, she instead headed for the murder board and jotted down a few of the limiting factors she'd learned from the suspect while they were fresh in her mind. They might not have told her much about how the victim was killed, but at least they gave her some information about how he wasn't.

She stepped back and studied the board, trying to figure out how to connect a few of the unrelated points they'd listed. But her focus was broken by the commotion going on across the room. Once again, she recognized all three of the raised voices she heard.

She needed to know what was going on with her partners, not to mention make sure that they weren't on point of tearing each other's heads off again. These past few days had been... different. It had been tough for everyone, and although they were once again on speaking terms, Ryan and Esposito's friendship had hit a little bit of a rocky patch.

But when she got to Esposito's desk, around which the three men were gathered, she found that the situation wasn't at all what she might've expected. Castle was on his cell phone, a look of panic unlike anything she'd ever seen showing on his face. As much as she didn't care, as much as she'd been avoiding him, trying to ignore the fact that he was even there, it was alarming.

Apparently Ryan and Esposito agreed, because they kept turning from Castle to each other, and now to her, asking and trying to figure out what was going on. Of course, the only one who actually knew was on the phone and not giving any of them any information.

"Okay," he finally said. "Okay, I'll be right there." He glanced around the room as though looking for some kind of answer. "Shit, I took a cab this morning," he mumbled. "Subway takes too long. Cab… I'll get another cab. Yes. Yeah. A cab." Seemingly totally separated from his surroundings, with no idea what was around him or why, he started off in a direction that the elevator decidedly was not, without picking up his coat or anything else.

"Bro, where you going?" Esposito asked, raising his eyebrows at the older man.

"Hospital," he called back, turning his head to look at Esposito, and then back in the direction he was going just before he walked into a wall.

"How long ya think before he realizes he's going the wrong direction?" Ryan mused under his breath.

But as soon as she'd heard the single word of Castle's reply Beckett's heart caught in her throat, and she intervened before the boys could find out the answer to Ryan's question. Her body seemed to respond to the situation without needing any input from her brain, which was a good reflex for a cop, but she realized later that this situation might've gone differently if she'd been using actual judgment. She quickly caught up to the writer and pulled on his sleeve, stopping him in his tracks. "Castle, what happened?"

He looked around for a second, apparently trying to get his bearings, a "deer in the headlights" expression on his face. "It's Alexis," he finally managed to choke out. "There was an accident."

Part of her had expected it to be something like this. Whatever had happened between them recently, she knew Castle well enough to know what shook him and what didn't. She knew that anything that could make him this panicked, panicked to the point of confusion, almost had to involve his daughter. But there was something more powerful about actually hearing him say the words, and the speed of her heartbeat seemed to double. "Oh my God. What kind of accident? Is she okay?"

"I don't know, they wouldn't give me details over the phone. She's in the hospital. I'm going now."

She told herself it was Alexis, the sweet teenage girl who was completely blameless for her father's mistakes, who had her sympathy now. She told herself she didn't care about the look on the man's face, the look that could only be described as utterly terrified, or the tears forming in the corners of his eyes that she was positive he didn't want her, or anyone else, to notice. She didn't care that his face was about the same color as the wall he'd almost walked into. She didn't care that he'd almost walked into a wall. Why would she care? Why should she? He obviously didn't care about her.

His daughter, on the other hand, was the sweetest girl she'd ever met. Alexis had never done anything to hurt her or anyone else. No matter what the details of the situation actually were, if she was in a hospital she deserved to have her dad there with her.

All of this went through her head in the period of about a second, and her own reaction surprised her. Before she knew what she was doing her hand was on his back and she was guiding him to the elevator, grabbing his coat from the chair as they passed it. "Come on," she heard herself say. "I'll drive."

* * *

_So I've mentioned that I've been outlining more with this story than I usually do (since I usually... don't...), but this particular plot twist I didn't come up with until Monday. While I was anxiously and impatiently awaiting Knockdown. This story... I love it. I do. I definitely have an attachment to it that's different from how I feel about any of my other stories. But it makes me sooo nervous. It's completely different from anything else I've ever written. More angst. More drama. And this new twist is only upping the drama factor. I was staring at my outline trying to come up with something to tie a bunch of points together (kind of like my own little murder board... except not murder related since I don't really write case fics) and this worked. I feel bad for doing it because I love Alexis and I really didn't want to take my plotting issues out on her... but honestly? I think it works really well with the story. So I went with it._

_To address a concern that a lot of you have brought up: Now that Castle and Beckett are once again in the same place at the same time, the chances of us being able to find out what in the world Castle could possibly have been thinking, both when he slept with the suspect and when he came back to the precinct, are a lot better. I'm keeping this pretty much exclusively from Beckett's POV, which is a little limiting as far as getting other characters' thoughts goes, but you're right, it's important that all of that information comes out eventually. And it will. And at this point, probably sooner than later._

_Thanks so much for all of your encouragement, well-wishes, and assurances that Chapter 5 didn't sound like the ramblings of a sleep-deprived nutjob. Which it was. But the rest of the week has been a lot better. :) I'm sorry about the cliffhanger (Because yeah, this ending can definitely be defined as a pretty severe cliffhanger. Sorry about that) and I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. Although I haven't actually started writing it yet, which doesn't bode especially well. But I promise I will try. Review in the meantime? Especially let me know what you thought of my twist. I'm curious if I actually surprised people or I just thought I was being devious. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're awesome._


	7. Chapter 7

_Ick. This chapter was supposed to be ready faster. It was fighting with me all day. It wanted to be one scene, then it wanted to be two... at one point I think it wanted to be three. It wanted to be super-short, then it wanted to be super-long... for awhile it wanted to leave you hanging on the same cliff where the last chapter left you, but I managed to convince it not to be _quite_ that mean. But I think we managed to get our differences resolved, so, at longer last than I wanted, I give you Chapter 7._

_In other news, the name of the hospital is entirely made up. If there really is one by that name in New York or anywhere else, which, let's face it, there probably is, it's purely coincidence._

* * *

"_When the night is cold, and you're feeling low,"_

She was aware of the eyes of what felt like every cop in the twelfth boring into them as they walked to the elevator, together for the first time in over a month. Honestly, though? She didn't care what they thought. She was focused on the task at hand: on getting the man beside her to the hospital to be with his daughter as quickly as possible.

"Here," she said when they were in the elevator, handing him his coat. "Take this. It's cold outside."

She'd also managed to grab her own jacket on the way out, and she put it on as he did the same without protest.

He didn't seem to notice when the elevator doors opened again to let them out. She had one foot out the door before she realized he wasn't following her. "Castle, come on," she said, gently in spite of herself. She couldn't help but feel that this man, the one so paralyzed with fear and worry about his daughter, was an entirely different person from the one who'd betrayed her. Of all the anger and resentment she'd felt toward him over the past month, as he stood before her looking so dejected, so pathetic really, she couldn't seem to summon any of it. Only pity.

With some difficulty, she managed to get him to the car. She briefly considered getting out her gumball to make the trip go faster, but her professionalism won over her concern. Not that she planned on paying much attention to speed limits or traffic lights.

Like the chair beside Esposito's desk, Castle riding shotgun in the car beside her felt right, almost normal, in some ways, and yet completely wrong in others. For one, the car wasn't quite right. Obviously it wasn't her car; her car had been crashed beyond repair a few days ago. She'd grabbed the keys to the car Ryan and Esposito usually drove from Ryan's desk on her way out. And then there was the silence of the man in the seat beside her. If everything was normal, he would've been chattering incessantly. As it was, he just stared out the window, not saying a thing.

"What hospital?" she asked simply, when she realized she didn't know where she should be headed.

"St. Joseph's."

She nodded. "I'm sure she's gonna be fine," she found herself saying. She didn't know why she felt the need to say it, why she wanted so badly to reassure him, but still she did.

"You don't know," he whispered. "You don't know what happened. I don't know. No one knows."

"They didn't tell you anything at all? They just said an accident? Not what kind?"

"That's all they said. But I didn't really ask. I wasn't really thinking. I just heard 'Alexis' and 'accident' and 'hospital' and it was like all of my nightmares come to life. My brain… stopped working."

"I know, I almost had to carry you out to the car."

"Sorry." His face changed for a second and he almost smiled, became Castle. "I should've let you do that."

She rolled her eyes, suddenly reminded that she was still mad at him. Still though, she couldn't manage to summon the same level of anger she'd felt even fifteen minutes ago. She shook her head, clearing the comment from the air, and looked at the clock. "It's about four o'clock. So she was probably just coming home from school, right? How did she get there this morning?"

What little color was left in his face drained from it. "It's my fault."

She turned toward him for a second. "What's your fault?"

"Everything. This whole thing. That damn scooter. She and her friends took those damn scooters this morning. The roads weren't bad and it's not cold enough to freeze, so I told her it would be okay. I thought it would be okay."

"You don't know that it's got anything to do with that," she told him, not failing to notice the ease with which they fell back into their rhythm, building theory together again. Again, this was different from how things used to be, but also very much the same.

"You don't know that it doesn't."

"No, I don't. We'll find out when we get there."

"Can't you drive any faster?"

"I've already broken about forty traffic laws. What more do you want me to do?"

"It's not like you're going to get pulled over. What's a few more?"

She sighed but continued at her current rate of speed, which was already about the highest she could go in Manhattan traffic without taking both of their lives into her hands. "We don't need any more accidents today, Castle."

Grudgingly, he nodded.

"Does your mom know?"

"Oh, God. I don't think so. How would she? I should call her."

"Probably."

"But what do I tell her? I don't even know what happened."

"Just tell her to meet us there."

"Oh. Right. Yeah." He got out his phone. "Mom," he said after a minute. "Alexis. She was in an accident." He paused while Martha apparently spoke. "I don't know. I don't know. Just meet us at the ER at St. Joseph's." Another pause. "Yeah, Beckett's here." He sighed and she smiled a little, wondering what Martha would have to say to that. "No. Trust me. I know." She frowned. What could that have been in response to? "Mom, I know. Just meet us there, and soon, okay?" He hung up the phone with a sigh.

"What do you know?"

"Huh?

"You said you know, to something your mom said. What do you know?" It didn't really matter, but she was curious.

"Oh. Nothing. It's not important." He settled back in his seat and gazed out the window. Wherever he was, he wasn't fully in the car here with her. That much she was sure of.

"You okay?" she asked him timidly. She hated herself for caring, but she was tired of lying to herself. She did care. Of course she cared. He'd done something stupid and he'd hurt her, and she wasn't just going to forgive him for that, but it didn't change who he was. Like Lanie had said, even if he didn't always use his head, he had a good heart. And he didn't deserve this. Whatever mistakes he'd made, even if Alexis was fine, he didn't deserve this, the agony of not knowing.

He didn't respond to her question directly, but the answer was written clearly on his face. No, he wasn't okay. "This is gonna kill me," he finally said, softly.

She gave him a sympathetic look as she tried to think of something to say that didn't sound completely lame. She'd already tried assuring him that Alexis would be fine, and she understood why that hadn't been especially helpful. She didn't know. She didn't know anything more than he did. "We'll be there soon," she finally said.

* * *

"Castle," he said to the woman at reception as soon as they were in the door. "Richard Castle. Patient is Alexis Castle, I'm her father. What can you tell me?"

Beckett caught up with Castle, who had practically run up to the reception desk, and stood beside him, both because she wanted to know what had happened to Alexis and because she needed to figure out if there was anything she'd be able to do to help. Castle didn't seem to be in a position to think straight, and she thought she had the best chance of getting all the facts if she heard them directly from the professionals.

The woman behind the desk shuffled through some papers and then apparently found the one she was looking for. "Ah," she said. "Okay. We just need you to fill out some papers for us, Mr. Castle."

"I don't care about the papers, I want to know what's going on with my daughter. What happened? Where is she? Is she okay?"

"Mr. Castle, we need your insurance information before we can—"

Beckett was watching Castle's face and could tell that the encounter was about to get very ugly very fast, so she intervened. "I'll tell you what," she said to the receptionist, or nurse, or whatever the official title of the woman wearing scrubs and brandishing paperwork might've been, "Why doesn't he go over there and fill out your paperwork while you tell me everything you know about Alexis Castle?" She pulled out all the stops and used her strongest interrogation tone, controlling the situation as much as possible.

It seemed to work. The woman at the desk nodded, looking a little afraid, and Castle gave her a pouty look that let her know he was about to concede. "I'll tell you everything I find out," she promised him under her breath. It was better this way, she decided. It was possible she'd be able to get more information than Castle would anyway, and if, God forbid, not all of the news was good, she'd rather him hear it from her than from some anonymous hospital staff member.

He sulked off with the stack of papers he was handed, leaving her to interrogate the receptionist. "Okay, tell me everything you know about Alexis Castle's condition and the events that led to it, and find out everything you don't."

The woman frowned at her. "Are you her stepmother?"

"No," she said quickly. "I'm—" but she cut herself off, not sure what to tell the woman her relationship to the girl was. She thought about saying she was a friend of her father's, but were she and Castle friends? They hadn't even been on speaking terms until about half an hour ago, so her thought was probably not. "What difference does it make?" she snapped.

The woman blushed. "It doesn't, really. She's a minor and I have her father's consent to give you this information, which is all I need. I was just curious. You're obviously not her mother because you're much more relaxed than her dad. If you were her mom you probably would've beaten him in here, or you would've come in together. But it's clear that you care about her, and about her dad, so I figured… stepmom." When Beckett just continued to stare at her, the woman looked away, shuffling her papers. "I'm sorry. My job gets a little… tedious. This is how I pass the time. Trying to figure out relationships. I'm usually pretty good at it, too. But I'm bound to miss one every now and then."

This woman was entirely too chipper for someone whose job it was to tell people whether or not their loved ones were going to live. Not that she had any doubt that Alexis would be okay. Although she still didn't know what had happened, she couldn't even entertain the possibility of the alternative. Beckett shot the woman a look that was meant to say "give me the damn information before I hurt you."

Apparently it did a pretty good job getting the message across, because she got even more nervous and shuffled some more papers. "Okay, Castle, Alexis. Here. She was on a scooter, ran a red light, and a family of tourists in a minivan collided with her. With the force of the impact, if she'd been in a car it would barely have made a dent, but those scooters offer a little less protection. She's pretty banged up. Broken leg, two broken ribs, ruptured spleen, mild concussion. She's in surgery right now to see if they can't repair the spleen. You and your…" wisely, apparently the woman thought better of trying to assign a relationship to her and Castle, "Mr. Castle can go in and see her when she wakes up, but that won't be for at least half an hour."

"But she's okay? I mean, once she gets out of surgery and everything, she'll be okay?"

The woman nodded. "I mean, anything that involves internal organ damage is potentially dangerous, but if they're trying to repair it that probably means it isn't too bad. We won't know for sure until she's out of surgery, but it looks like her injuries are all pretty routine. She'll be sore for a little while, but she'll be okay."

She sighed. "Thank God. I'll go tell her dad."

"Hold on. You two really aren't together? Just friends?"

"I don't know what the hell we are," she said, candid in her irritation, "but I'm positive it's none of your business."

* * *

_Meh. That ending probably could've been better. But it will do. Anyone want to review, and thus make what's left of my weekend? Because that's definitely what it would do. Thaaaank you as always!_


	8. Chapter 8

_I know you've had to wait a little bit longer for this chapter than for some of the others, but one, I still don't think it was unbearably long, and two, hopefully it was worth the wait. Personally? I really like this chapter. Hopefully you feel the same way._

* * *

"_And the morning cuts you like a knife,"_

She turned on her heel and scanned the waiting room for Castle. It didn't take her long to find him, sitting by himself in a corner. She was a little taken aback by the scene. The way he was sitting, the clipboard the receptionist had given him resting on his lap, his face still almost white, he looked very small. Scared. She'd seen him worried before, but never like this.

She'd always considered him pretty unflappable. They'd seen some weird and, at times, disturbing things at crime scenes, and he was never really rattled. No matter what was going on at work, in his life, in hers… he was strong. She sometimes teased him about being girly, but at the end of the day she knew there wasn't much truth to it. Now though, he was definitely flapped.

She sat down in the chair beside him and rested her hand on his knee to let him know she was there. Her primary purpose was to communicate her physical presence, but she also wanted him to know she was there in any other way he needed her to be. "Hey," she said gently.

"Hey." He put his paperwork aside, thoroughly abandoning it. "What happened? What'd you find out?"

"She's gonna be okay," she assured him, figuring she'd lead off with the good news. "She was on her scooter and got hit by a minivan. Not hard, but you know, a minivan will tend to win out against a scooter. She broke her leg and two ribs, has a mild concussion, and I guess her spleen was ruptured, so they're doing surgery now to repair it. We—or, you—can go in and see her when she wakes up."

"Her _spleen?_ Kate…" The way he said her name could only have been described as a whimper.

"It's all very routine," she said, hoping she sounded more convinced than she felt. She wanted to be the calming force here. It was part of her job to control situations, to keep the people she was working with relaxed by staying relaxed herself, but even to her this all sounded scary as hell. "They do this stuff all the time."

"Not to my daughter, they don't."

She sighed. "Is there anything I can do?"

He looked at her sincerely, and she couldn't help but notice the tears in his eyes. "That you're here means so much more than I think you realize. Especially because I know I'm not your favorite person right now, and I know that didn't just go away."

"We'll deal with that later."

"Can we deal with it now? Whatever I did—"

She interrupted him, frustrated, pulling her hand away from his leg like it had burned her. "_Whatever you did?_ Come on, Castle. You know what you did. Even if you're completely dense, which I don't believe for a minute, I already explained it to you."

"So this is just about Carly?"

Hearing him refer to her as "Carly" literally turned her stomach. "No, it's not just about _Carly." _She felt badly about doing this now, each word she spoke clearly hurting him more when he was already in so much pain. "You're still together then, I guess?" She didn't want to know. She was sure she didn't want to know.

"No, we're not still together. Of course we're not. I ended that as soon as I found out how much it upset you."

"Oh." Or maybe she did want to know.

"And I'm still not sure _why_ it upset you so much."

She sighed. They'd been through this. "Castle, come on. Not only was she connected to the case, she was a major suspect. In what universe would that have been okay?"

But he shook his head. "That's not it, though. That might be part of it and yeah, I have no doubt that it pisses you off, but it's more than that. If I didn't know better I'd say it was more personal, but that doesn't make any sense because you're with Josh."

She blushed. "Yeah, about that…"

"You're not? Oh. Sorry." But he wasn't sorry. Nothing in his tone or expression conveyed any sorrow at all. "Since when?"

"Couple months ago."

"Months? So…"

"Yeah. A week before Caroline's case."

He let out a long stream of air.

She saw the utterly tortured expression on his face, and interrupted before he could speak again. "Look, you have enough to worry about right now. Let's keep this about Alexis." She tried to keep her face kind. "We can talk about everything else later."

He nodded. "Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Promise me we will talk about it later. That you won't freeze me out again. Even if I deserve it… promise that you'll hear me out."

She hesitated. She wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, wasn't sure if she'd regret it later, but she nodded.

* * *

"Oh my, aren't you two a sight for sore eyes!" Martha swept into the waiting room, making an entrance as always. "How is she? What happened? Richard, you were so vague on the phone."

"Let Kate tell you. She actually talked to them, so she probably has more information than I do. She at least can explain it better."

Martha turned to her expectantly and she sighed and nodded. "She got hit by a car on her scooter. She has a concussion, broke her leg and two ribs and ruptured her spleen, but they're trying to fix it and she's going to be okay."

"Oh, thank God. Was she with anyone else? Her friends? Are they okay?"

"I don't know, I didn't think to ask," Castle said. She didn't think it was possible for him to look any more worried than he already had, but he definitely didn't look any less so. "I'll go now."

Beckett stopped him with a wave of her hand. "No, it's okay. You relax. I've got it." She smiled with a roll of her eyes. "That receptionist and I are gonna be best friends." In spite of everything, she was a little proud that her comment got him to smile.

"Hi, you remember me," she said to the woman at the desk, a big fake smile plastered on her face.

"Oh yes, Alexis Castle's… undisclosed relationship."

"Yeah. Got any information in that file about who she was with?"

"Not in the file, but a girl rode over in the ambulance with her. She wasn't hurt, and her parents picked her up just before you got here."

"Good. Thanks."

"Hey," the receptionist added, lowering the volume of her voice in a way that let Kate know she didn't want to hear whatever the woman was about to say. "Is that Richard Castle the writer?"

She sighed, surprised it had taken the woman so long to put this together if she was, in fact, a fan. Clearly no one was making any claims about her brilliance. But Kate glanced back at the dejected man behind her in the waiting area and knew that the last thing he needed right now was some star-struck idiot asking for his autograph. "Yes he is," she told the woman in a soft but menacing tone, "and I'm Kate Beckett the NYPD detective. And if you say so much as two words to him about his writing or his books or him being famous—_anything_ along those lines—let's just say that I'm sure at some point in your life you did something illegal. And I will find it. Don't test me."

It was mostly an empty threat, but the woman didn't know that. She nodded nervously and Beckett turned away from her and went back to Castle and Martha before she could ask any more questions. "A girl came with her in the ambulance," she told Rick, feeling a pang as she saw the terror register on his face when she said the word "ambulance." "But her parents picked her up before we got here. She wasn't hurt or anything."

"Probably Paige," he said, nodding. "They rode to school together this morning."

Her stomach growled, interrupting her train of thought. "Hey, I didn't eat lunch today and I know you didn't either." They might not have been on speaking terms earlier, but she'd still noticed certain things. Plus whether she liked it or not, he was on her team for the case they'd been working and she knew what his schedule had been like. "I'm gonna go see if I can find some decent food in this place. Want me to get you anything?"

"Oh, thanks, but I'm really not hungry."

Martha cut in. "Go with her, darling. You should eat something, and I'm sure it'll be awhile before they let us see Alexis anyway. Even if they do while you're gone, I'll be here."

She looked at her son meaningfully and slowly he nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

When she'd offered to bring Castle something to eat, she hadn't counted on him offering to come along. She knew him well enough that she probably should've expected it, but she hadn't. Now, for the first time since she'd known him, she found an awkward silence settling in around them. She didn't know what to say.

He was the one who finally broke it as they made their way down the hospital hallway toward the cafeteria. "I think Detective Ryan said it best," he said. "I was a total ass-hat."

She smiled. Ryan would. It was sweet how supportive of her he'd been lately, and it really didn't surprise her that he'd gone as far as to tell Castle this. "Castle, come on," she told him, "I already said we didn't have to talk about this now."

"What if I want to talk about it now? I'm afraid you're never gonna want to talk about it, and then this ice between us is never going to thaw. And honestly? I need the distraction. I _need _it."

She nodded. "Okay." She closed her eyes briefly. "Okay, if you want to talk, talk. I'll listen."

* * *

_Mmkay, feeling the need to put the obligatory blabber session at the end of this chapter instead of the beginning for some reason. C'est la vie. I guess I typically switch it up. Anyway. The hospital desk lady? So. Much. Fun. I love her and hate her in equal parts, and I love that all of you basically had some kind of reaction to her. Obviously I was continuing to have fun writing her in this chapter. And I know that this was on the short side, but it kind of had to be for flow reasons. I also realize that I ended this chapter in a very annoying place. Deal with it. :)_

_Like I said, I really like how this chapter turned out... agree? Disagree? Or are you just generally mad at me for ending it where I did? Tell me please. :) At the risk of sounding like a broken record... reviews make my night. And probably my day tomorrow. And possibly the rest of my week. Thanks so much!_


	9. Chapter 9

_Okay, bad news first because I'm a glass-half-full kind of person. And you already know this part. This chapter has taken me entirely too long. Good news time? It went from 1,000ish words to over 2,000 without bothering to consult me... so even after I cut it down a bit, it's considerably longer than the last chapter was. Based on the feedback I've gotten (a lot of you said the last chapter was too short...) I feel like that's probably a good thing. Enjoy. :)_

* * *

"_And you're wearing thin, feel you're giving in,"_

"What _is_ this?" Castle looked at the unidentifiable food he was about to put on his tray as though it might bite him.

Beckett raised her eyebrows. "I wouldn't." She chose a small side salad. Aside from a little wilted lettuce, it looked safe.

"You'd think the hospital staff would have enough business to deal with without creating more of it by giving all the healthy people here food poisoning." He followed her lead and picked up a salad as well. "But maybe with the economy they need all the help they can get?"

"I don't think that's the goal…" she mused as she glanced briefly at a sandwich made with some kind of very anemic-looking lunchmeat. "It'd be like us killing people so we had more murders to investigate. Wouldn't happen."

"Maybe not," he said as he picked up a drink. "That would be a great story, though."

She smiled and rolled her eyes. Not that she'd have told him this, but she'd missed his little quips, his constant need to turn everything into a story.

She got to the cash register and started to get out her wallet, but he stopped her. "Don't you dare. I've got this."

"Castle—"

"No. Come on. You're here. You're missing work for this. The least I can do is buy you lunch." He glanced at the browning salad and bottle of water she was getting. "The _very_ least."

She shrugged. "I don't mind." But she let him pay.

"Okay, let's talk about why I was such an idiot now," Castle said as he slid his tray onto a table.

She smiled a little, shaking her head. Since he'd told her he wanted to talk about this, he'd been blabbering on about everything else he could think of. Well, not _everything_ else, just everything that had absolutely no importance. The food. The color of the ceiling tiles. How he'd describe the sound her heels made when they echoed down the vacant hall if he was writing the scene. Nothing about himself. Nothing about her. Nothing about his daughter. She couldn't say that she completely believed that was going to abandon his tactic now, but she wasn't going to push him. He'd already been through enough today, and she knew how stressed out he had to be. She'd let him talk about whatever he wanted. It was one thing she could do for him, even if there really wasn't anything else.

"Not that this is an excuse, but the week of that case… it was a tough week for me."

_Yeah, me too_, she wanted to say, but she held herself back. "How so?"

"It sounds stupid now… not for any one reason. Just, you know. One of those weeks. Nothing was going right. I got a really bad review, and Alexis and Ashley were having problems and she decided to take it out on the entire male race, so she was being distant with me, and my mom was getting ready to audition for a musical so she was up _practicing_ until three a.m. some nights..." He shrugged. "I don't know. Everyone has bad weeks, right?"

"Sure." _And bad months._

"The morning we interviewed Carly for the first time…"

She shifted uncomfortably as she ate a forkful of salad. Did he have to keep calling her "Carly"?

But he didn't seem to notice, and continued. "…that was the morning I read that review in the paper, and then…" He stopped himself short and seemed to reconsider his direction. If you'll remember," he started again, "she was a fan."

Oh, she remembered. A few times they'd interviewed people who'd been excited to meet Castle, but this woman went far above and beyond that. Even then it had been distracting. They hadn't yet been looking at her as a suspect, they'd simply been trying to get information from her, but the whole time she'd been focused on the fact that her favorite author was in the room with her, and she kept trying to ask _him_ questions. It was annoying. Beckett simply nodded.

"Well I stayed with her for a few minutes after you left that day."

She remembered that, too.

"She kept going on about how this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for her, how she'd probably never get a chance to talk to me again… and I don't know, I guess I was feeling a little insecure after that review, and it was nice to hear from a fan. So I told her told her she'd absolutely get a chance to talk to me again and got her number."

She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to turn to total strangers for assurances that his work was good. There were plenty of good reviews out there for him to read. He had an incredibly supportive daughter. Ryan read his stuff, and he liked it. And although she'd never directly told him this, he knew that she was a long-time fan. She'd read a lot of books over the course of her life, and his writing had always impressed her. But of course, she didn't say any of this. It was in her head, but she couldn't seem to actually form the words.

"At first I really did just want to talk to her," he continued, his eyes pleading with her to believe him. "We met for coffee. But then…" He shrugged. "I don't know. One thing led to another. But I always knew she wasn't our killer. I knew she wouldn't have killed anyone."

"You knew her for all of fifteen minutes!" she protested, unable to keep herself from arguing this point. "You couldn't have _known_ anything. You just wanted to believe that she wasn't capable of killing anyone because you liked her. And she liked you."

"But she wasn't! She was innocent, I was right!"

"You got lucky."

"Luck, intuition, does it really matter? Look, I messed up, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I interfered with the case and made your job more difficult. And if I hurt you in some other way, I am deeply sorry for that. If it makes a difference, it never meant anything. I'm not going to pretend that it wasn't a mistake, and I'm not asking you to do that. All I'm asking you to do is forgive me. You don't even have to let me shadow you anymore. Just… forgive me. Please."

She sighed. She really did wish it could be that simple. But in all honesty, the crux of the matter had nothing to do with Caroline. It was about trust. She could tell him, tell herself that she didn't know if she could trust him anymore. That if he hadn't listened to her about staying out of contact with Caroline, she didn't know what else he might not listen to, when he might ignore her orders when following them was vital. Professionally, she did trust him. He'd proven to her on multiple occasions that when it came down to the wire, he would listen. He would do the right thing. But he wasn't asking about professionally. The real problem was that she didn't think of him on a strictly professional basis anymore. If she did, she wouldn't be here right now.

When she'd heard Alexis was hurt, it was like some kind of switch inside of her had been flipped. She hadn't forgotten her anger toward Castle. Far from it. It was more like she'd shifted her priorities. She did care about him, and she cared about his daughter, and she would, she had to, make sure they were okay. Both of them.

But if she thought of him on more than a professional basis, even if she wasn't exactly sure what kind of basis that was, she had to trust him on more than a professional basis. And that, right now, was what she wasn't sure she could do. Any time a pretty girl came onto the scene, he was all over it. Literally. He'd been this way for as long as she'd known him, and, she presumed, longer. He clearly wasn't going to change. And she wasn't sure she could deal with that. Every time he went off with a new woman, the same feelings came back. She didn't know what they were or how to deal with them, but she didn't like them. And each time they seemed to get stronger.

But he hadn't actually asked her about any of this, and she sure as hell wasn't sharing it with him unprompted. Or prompted, for that matter. All he'd asked was if she would forgive him. But could she? "Castle, I don't know. It's not that easy."

"Sure it is." He smiled, although it looked like it took more than a little effort.

She smiled involuntarily, rolled her eyes, and felt a little of the ice in her heart starting to thaw. Just a little of it. She'd be more guarded this time, she promised herself. When he ran off with the next slutty fan he met, which he would, she wouldn't let it bother her. He was her friend and she cared about him, she cared about his family, and she knew that, whatever she might've been trying to tell herself, he cared about her too. She didn't want to completely cut him out of her life, and really, she had no reason to. She knew that she couldn't just go immediately back to the way things had been between them, as though nothing had ever happened, but maybe speaking terms wasn't too much for him to ask. "Yeah, okay," she finally said. "I forgive you. Don't screw it up." Inwardly, she was a little amused at the way that last comment had come out. Outwardly, she let no trace of that amusement show on her face.

He simply nodded solemnly. "I won't." If anything proved how out of his element he was here, how much the hospital setting and his anxiety about his daughter threw him off his axis, it was his failure to childishly note her pun.

She ate a bit more as she considered another point that was bothering her. Finally, she asked. "Why'd you come back? If you'd just wanted to weasel your way back in you could've started earlier. But a month after the fact?"

"I didn't… want to come back."

Her heart sank a little, although she wasn't sure why. She didn't know what she'd wanted to hear, but this was clearly not it.

Apparently something of this reaction had shown up on her face, because his countenance changed as well. "I mean, of course I wanted to come back. I missed the precinct and solving cases, and..." he hesitated, but then went on, suddenly confident, "and I missed you."

She wished she could stop herself from blushing, but unfortunately she didn't have any control over this particular function.

"But you told me not to, and I had every intention of respecting that. Until Esposito called me."

She frowned. "He called _you?"_ She'd just assumed that Castle had called Esposito, that it had been his harebrained scheme to get back into the precinct without her permission.

He nodded. "He told me my mother called you. And I'm sorry, by the way, for that. She had no right. But he was trying to figure out why she called, and when I didn't know he started in on this plan. He told me you missed me, that you wouldn't admit it but you'd been acting differently since I was gone."

She felt her face get hotter, and imagined that it turned a deeper shade of red. "I, uh…"

She had no idea what she was going to say, so she was actually relieved when he cut her off. "He came up with this whole plan for me to shadow him instead of you. He had it all worked out. What to tell the other cops, what to tell Montgomery, how to tell you—the plan and the way it actually went down weren't even remotely similar, by the way—and honestly? It sounded like a terrible idea, but I couldn't not go along with it. He cares about you, and he was worried. And what he described sounded just like you. So I did, I told him I'd do it, and obviously it didn't work very well… but it brought us here, right? And I don't even want to think about what kind of shape I'd be in right now if you weren't here. Thank you."

"Not a problem." She smiled. Really, the fact that it was Esposito's idea shouldn't have surprised her. Between the way he'd acted and the way Castle had acted… it made sense. It was easier to be mad at Castle than it was to be mad at Esposito. She'd known Castle less time, and while she knew he was ultimately a good guy, she also knew that he could be a self-centered asshole. No matter what Esposito did, no matter how contorted his logic was, she knew his ultimate, his only, really, motivation was always the same: to be a good friend. Although that didn't stop him from being annoying at times, it made a lot of things permissible. And though she'd already agreed, be it somewhat reluctantly, to forgive Castle, this made it easier.

He tried to smile again, but it was more of a grimace. "So does this make you hate me less?"

She rolled her eyes. "I never hated you. I _tried _to hate you." She shrugged. "But I didn't."

"I'm glad."

"Yeah." She nodded, pressing her lips together. "Me too."

* * *

_Aaaand we have contact! So we didnt really get any more information about Alexis, but hopefully the fact that there was actually some dialogue between Beckett and Castle makes up for that. I'm going to shut up now, because I'm pretty much out of things to say. Reviews make make me happy, as always! :)_


	10. Chapter 10

_First I want to address those of you who are a little nervous about where this story is going. Let me remind you for just a second about my whole focus here. I'm taking song lyrics and trying to plan a story around them. What that ultimately means is that the events in the story have to match up to the lyrics. Pacing-wise, lyrics tend to be a little repetitive, so you're absolutely right, the plot is moving slowly. It'll pick up. In fact, I think it's starting to pick up already. Plot-wise? I'm not going to give too much away about my goals here, but if you're actually nervous, I strongly recommend that you either look up the song "Daylight" by Better than Ezra or just Google the lyrics (what search engine you use really isn't important... but you get my meaning). Remember, every line corresponds with a chapter. It won't tell you exactly what's going to happen because obviously this is my own interpretation, but it might help to allay some of your concerns._

_In other slightly more related to this specific chapter news... this got long. Like... really long. Normally when I say that I mean it's a couple hundred words longer than I wish it was... but let me just say that this was the longest chapter in my Document Manager _before_ I started adding the author's notes. And my author's notes are usually substantial, as I'm sure you well know at this point. It is kind of divided into three scenes, so if your attention span is short (like mine!), you don't have to read it all at once. If you think that all of my chapters so far have been too short... then this one should please you quite a bit. Aaand hopefully it will please you for other reasons as well. We'll talk more when you're done reading. Or, erm, I will. You can talk too if you feel like leaving a review! But now we're getting ahead of ourselves. Read first. Enjoy!_

* * *

"_In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight."_

He pushed his salad around a little with his fork as she ate, but it didn't escape her that he wasn't actually eating anything. She'd been starving, and talking or not, she knew they'd done basically all the same things today. He should've been hungry too.

"Hey," she told him with a little reassuring smile, "she's gonna be fine. You should eat something."

He put down his fork and looked at her directly, apparently fully ignoring the second part of what she'd said. "How did you do that?"

She frowned. "Do what?"

"How did you know exactly what I was thinking without me saying anything?"

She rolled her eyes. "Because I know you? And think about where we are and what we're doing here. What else could you possibly be thinking about?"

"It's just that nothing's ever happened to her before. I mean she's been sick, but never really seriously… she was always a pretty easy kid. She never got hurt besides normal cuts and scrapes… I think this might actually be the first time she's been in a hospital since she was born. So yeah. It scares the hell out of me."

"Of course it does. She's your only daughter. But she's going to be fine. This is a really good hospital, and all of her injuries are the kinds of things they deal with all the time."

He grimaced. "Why do people say that?"

She'd meant this to be comforting, and couldn't figure out why it had fallen flat. "What, that they deal with this all the time? Probably because they do."

"No, not that. 'She's my only daughter.' As if it makes a difference. If I had twelve daughters, would I love her any less?"

_Oh._ Why was he consistently focusing on the parts of what she was saying that she didn't mean to emphasize? "No. Of course not. Sorry, that's not what I meant."

"Don't be sorry…" He sighed heavily, and honestly looked as though he might cry. She willed him not to, having absolutely no idea what she'd do in that situation. But, thankfully, he took a deep breath and seemed to gather his strength. "Hey, look, thank you so much for driving me here and for… everything… but you don't have to stay. I know you're in the middle of a case right now, and my mom's here, so..."

She shook her head and interrupted him. "Don't bother, I'm not going anywhere. Ryan and Esposito can handle the case for a little while, and Montgomery will understand. You two always talk about your kids together, right? I'm sure he gets it."

"Why I need to be here maybe, but you?"

She shrugged. "I won't be able to concentrate until I know Alexis is okay, anyway." She bit her lip, realizing that her goal was to reassure Castle, not freak him out more. "I mean, I'm sure she's fine, but still," she backpedaled. Really, this was true. She was confident that Alexis would be okay, and while yes, she would feel better when she knew for sure, her insistence upon staying had more to do with taking care of the father than the daughter. Whether he'd admit it or not—whether he deserved it or not—she felt like he needed her to be here. After everything he'd put her through over the past month she knew she probably shouldn't feel this way, but he just seemed so uncharacteristically vulnerable right now, and if she could, she wanted to help.

He nodded. "Can, um… I don't want to rush you, but if you're done I'd like to get back to the waiting room, just in case we find out anything new."

"Yeah." She set the plastic lid on top of her mostly-empty salad container. "I'm done. Let's go."

* * *

"Mom, any news?" Castle greeted Martha as soon as she was in view. Beckett realized how few times she'd actually heard Castle refer to Martha as "mom" directly. This whole experience… she'd thought she'd known Castle pretty well, but this was an entirely different side of him.

"No, nothing," Martha sighed. "I had a lovely conversation with the woman at the desk, but she couldn't tell me anything."

Beckett rolled her eyes, and secretly wished she could've seen Martha's exchange with the woman. "Isn't she delightful?"

Martha actually smiled. "So it was you that talked to her? She made some comment about the women in our family being difficult."

She felt herself blush. "Yeah," she stammered, trying to figure out how to explain the misunderstanding. "I, uh…"

But Martha seemed to understand somehow. That or she simply didn't care. "I'm glad you're here," she said.

"I just hope we find something out soon."

Castle, quiet now that there were two other people to keep the conversation going, sank into one of the chairs beside his mother. Kate debated for a second, unsure whether she should take the seat beside him or beside Martha, who was clearly more interested in chatting and might actually enjoy, or at least notice, her company, but did ultimately decide to sit next to Castle.

"Darling, I'm sure she'll be fine," Martha tried to assure him. But she had the same problem that Kate had earlier. It didn't seem to help.

He rested his head in his hands, and she couldn't take it anymore. She had to do something. The logical part of her brain that usually dominated was screaming at her not to, but she ignored it and brought down her hand softly to rest on his back. She rubbed it up and down a few times and then just let it rest there.

Martha caught her eye behind Rick's back, a meaningful expression on her face. "Thank you," she mouthed.

Kate gave Martha a little smile and a nod.

Although the circumstances were far from ideal, there was something about this moment that was just nice. She felt like she was a part of something. Granted, she'd never exactly been alone. She'd always been a part of something at the precinct and with her relationships with her partners. But this was different. It had nothing to do with work. It was personal. It was a family. Sure, she had her dad, but she hadn't really felt like part of a legitimate family since her mom's death. Two blood relatives who cared about each other but didn't really talk much was nice, sure, but it really wasn't a family, not in the truest sense of the word. But this, right now? Three people comforting each other, and worrying about a fourth? This was a family. She knew she wasn't part of it technically, but she was happy, felt privileged, even, to share this moment with them.

The moment, however, was interrupted when a man came into the room from the door that led to the hospital. "Family of Alexis Castle?"

Rick was out of his seat and across the room before she could even blink. "Yes, I'm her father, what can you tell me?"

She and Martha managed to catch up and flanked Castle before the other man began speaking. Beckett noted briefly how odd it was for her to be flanking him. It was almost like they were back at work, but now he was her superior.

"My name is Paul Merriman, I'm one of her doctors," the man told them. "She's out of surgery and we repaired her spleen. She's pretty banged up and she'll be sore for a little while, but she's going to be just fine. I'm sure you want to see her, so we can give you all the details later. She's still sleeping now, but it won't be long until she wakes up. You can go ahead in. All three of you, if you like. We have her in a private recovery room, so you won't be in the way."

Castle and Martha hugged, and she smiled as she watched them, but now instead of feeling included she was very aware of the fact that she wasn't actually family, and felt a little like she was intruding on their moment. To distract herself she thought about how nice the accommodations the hospital staff had made for Alexis sounded, and wondered exactly what Martha had said to the receptionist, and whether her own threats had contributed to the treatment the teenager was getting. Either way it was a good thing, but she did sort of hope the things she'd said had something to do with it. She wanted to know she'd been able to do something to directly help, something that had led to actual action.

Apparently distracting herself had worked quite well, because before she even knew what was happening she was being pulled into a slightly awkward three-way hug. She laughed, wrapping one arm around Martha and the other around Castle. So much for it being a family moment.

From the very beginning, everything they'd heard had led her to the same conclusion: that Alexis was fine. However, both Castle and his mother had a tendency to be a little overdramatic. But when that tendency led to such excessive happiness, it didn't seem like such a bad thing. "I'm so glad she's gonna be okay," she told them, disentangling herself. "I'll go now, then. Let you guys see her. Seems like more of a family thing."

"No, come on, Beckett," Castle practically whined, sounding a little more like his old nine-year-old self, happy tears still glistening in his eyes. "She'd love to see you."

The familiar skeptical voice was back there in her head, asking her if Castle didn't have his own motives, if he wasn't just trying to get back on her good side and using his daughter as an excuse. Right now, though? The over-the-top happiness of the father and grandmother was contagious, and she was enjoying it. She wanted it to continue. She wanted to believe that Alexis really would like to see her, that Castle wouldn't claim that if it wasn't true on the most basic of levels. And she _wanted_ to forgive Castle fully, not just with words. So, much more quickly than she normally would have, she agreed. "Okay. If you're sure you don't mind."

"Mind?" He literally rolled his eyes before turning back to the doctor. "Okay, show us where she is."

* * *

The light mood that had been palpable in the waiting room changed significantly when they actually saw Alexis. One of her legs was covered in white plaster and elevated, she was bruised and bandaged in a lot of seemingly random places, and, as the doctor had told them, she was asleep. He told them to make themselves comfortable and Castle had wasted no time pulling one of the chairs right up to the side of the bed. He whispered that she'd never been in a hospital before, and he wanted to be the first thing she saw when she woke up, so she'd immediately know that she wasn't alone.

Beckett felt her heart flutter a little. It was the little things like this: these thoughts that demonstrated such a level of compassion for others, especially the people he cared about, that truly made him_ Castle_ to her. The way he treated his daughter, and even his mother. The way he'd given her his jacket that night in the car when she was cold, even though she was barely even speaking to him. These were the things that attracted her to him the most. Not his looks or his fame or his money. These were the reasons that it bothered her so much when he went for women like Caroline, women he barely knew. They only saw him for the things that didn't matter. They didn't even know about the important things. He deserved someone who did. But _she_ deserved someone who _wouldn't _run off with women he barely knew, period.

Martha positioned a chair close to her son's, but Kate left hers where it was, against the wall. She wasn't consistently sitting in it, anyway. For no particular reason, she was feeling a little antsy, and kept getting up and wandering around the surprisingly large hospital room, reading the signs on the walls, looking at the monitors Alexis was hooked up to, looking at Alexis for signs that she was about to wake up, watching Castle, exchanging glances with Martha. It was an odd role reversal, because Castle was sitting in his chair more still than she'd ever seen him, focused on only his daughter.

Every time she stirred or moved ever so slightly, all three of them held their breath and painted smiles on their faces, but it kept turning out that she wasn't actually waking up, and the same nervous energy returned. Finally she made a sound that could almost have been a sigh and her eyes blinked open. She smiled very slightly. "Hi, Daddy."

He smiled back and stroked his daughter's hair gingerly, as though he was afraid she might break. "Hey, sweetie. You know, when I said I'd see you after school, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

Beckett, who at this point was across the room studying a poster about the importance of hand washing, smiled, wondering how long he had thought about exactly what to say to his daughter when she woke up. Knowing him, he'd probably been considering it the whole time they'd been in the room.

Alexis didn't really respond to that, she just sort of half-laughed. "Is Gram here?"

"I'm right here, darling," Martha said, leaning into the girl's field of vision. Apparently even now that she was awake, she couldn't really move very much.

She nodded ever so slightly.

"Guess who else is here?" Castle volunteered. Kate wished she could blend in with the wall. Obviously Alexis couldn't see her from where she was anyway, and she was content to keep it that way. Now that she'd woken up, Beckett really felt like she shouldn't be here. She just felt awkward, out of place, and she remembered that Alexis didn't even know yet that she and her father had returned to speaking terms. The poor girl was just recovering, and now they were going to confuse her. She shook her head, hoping she could get him to let her slip out, but it was far too late for that. "Oh, don't be silly," he said instead, "come over here where she can see you."

She clicked across the room and tentatively stood between Castle and Martha, smiling sympathetically. "Hey."

"Detective Beckett? Dad? I thought she was mad at you?"

She laughed and answered before Castle could. "I was. I'm giving him another chance."

"I'm so glad. He's been _miserable_ lately."

It was pretty apparent that whatever drugs the doctors had Alexis on were affecting what she was saying, but still it made her smile. "Has he?"

Castle cut in before the conversation could go any further. "How are you feeling, sweetie? Do you need anything?"

"I'm grrreat," she slurred.

"Ah, like the tiger on that cereal commercial?" Martha asked. Alexis just looked confused, and Castle, apparently in some strange serious mode that Beckett hadn't thought he even had, ignored her. But Beckett smiled and Martha patted her arm. "Ah, good, someone appreciates my jokes. Thank you, Kate."

Castle still seemed totally unable to focus on anything other than his daughter, even for a second. "What hurts?"

She scrunched up her forehead for a second, apparently thinking. "Everything," she finally decided. "But only when I move."

"Then don't move, honey."

She sighed. "I figured that out, _Dad._"

Beckett smiled in spite of herself. She was sorry that Alexis was hurt, but seeing the teenager who was normally so restrained like this was a little entertaining. "I'm gonna go, okay?" she said, more to Castle, but loud enough that the other two could hear as well. "I need to get back to work."

Castle started to nod, but his daughter verbally responded before he could. "Nooooo!" She shook her head fairly dramatically, the most movement she'd made since she woke up. "Stay here. I like you here. And Daddy's being worried, but that's stupid because I'm _fine_, but he likes you here too. You make him feel better. Don't go away."

She smiled. Castle had told her before that his daughter liked her, that she looked up to her, but this little drug-induced rant was the only confirmation of this she'd ever gotten directly from Alexis. She also liked the little insights into Castle's mind that his daughter was giving her. He'd missed her. She made him feel better. She knew she probably shouldn't care one way or the other, but both of these ideas pleased her.

"Sweetie, Detective Beckett has to go back to work—" Castle began, talking to the seventeen-year-old in the same way she imagined he probably had when she was much younger.

But Beckett cut him off. "It's okay. I mean, like I said before, Ryan and Esposito can cover it. If she wants me to stay, I'll stay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." But while Castle was in this bizarre, alternate-universe serious mode, she couldn't resist messing with him a little. "Is she right? Do you like me here?" she asked, raising her eyebrows a little flirtatiously.

Castle neither lost his serious expression nor missed a beat before answering. "Of course."

* * *

_So I think the length ended up working out, ultimately. We have some fluffy moments and a drugged-up Alexis, plus I threw some actually important stuff in there just for fun. Drugged-up Alexis was fun but hard to write. Hopefully it's believable. Also, after that last episode I'm really intrigued by the relationship between Beckett and Martha (I know it was only one scene, but it was enough to peak my interest...) so I think a little of that transferred over when I wrote this chapter, although I was trying to keep it in context. Huh, darn. I always think of all this super-philosophical stuff I want to say in the end-of-chapter author's note (because apparently just writing them at the beginning isn't enough for me...) and then by the time I get around to writing it I forget half of it. Oh well. Time for my customary plea for reviews. I like what I came up with earlier: I got to talk. Now it's your turn. Plus reviews make me happy, but I'm pretty sure I tell you that after every single chapter, so you're probably tired of reading it by now._


	11. Chapter 11

_I'm noticing a common thread with where I'm starting these updates lately, but here I go again: I'm sorry! These updates are taking much longer than I'd like them to. I'm not even going to attempt to make any promises about speed anymore, because it's just not working out. This chapter did not want me to write it. It didn't want me to start writing it in the first place, and then once I did it fought me tooth and nail the entire time. The ending went a little quicker, I guess. But in general, I don't especially like this chapter. Yay, filler. Anyway, hopefully you disagree with me there. Often you do. But it is mostly filler, for sure._

_Hah, related primarily to the last chapter, apparently drugged-up Alexis was a hit. :) I'm glad. Maybe we'll get to see more of her soon. Anyway, enjoy! And I think I'm skipping my customary end-of-chapter author's note because I'm out of things to say, so... remember my love of reviews when you get there. Hehe. Hopefully the next chapter won't take forever for me to finish and will have a bit more substance._

* * *

"_You're a stalled car in the desert,"_

She didn't make it back to the precinct until the next morning, and it must have been a little on the later side because the boys were already there, standing at Esposito's desk. "Okay, where are we with the case?" she asked immediately.

"Hold on, what happened?" Esposito asked before responding.

"Yeah, how's Alexis?" Ryan chimed in.

"She's gonna be okay. Got into an accident on her scooter."

Before either detective could press further, Montgomery poked his head out of his office. "Beckett," he said in his calm-but-stern voice. He simply nodded for her to join him.

The boys said nothing, but she didn't miss their smirks. She couldn't help but be a little nervous. After all, she'd left work the day before without permission, without even really saying anything to anyone about it, and she hadn't returned. That was certainly something she'd never done before, and she was sure it wouldn't sit well with the captain.

There had been plenty of times yesterday when she could've left the hospital and come back to the station. But every time she thought about it, something, or someone, stopped her. There were the few times that Alexis actually told her not to go, but more often it was something far more subtle. There were little nonverbal messages from Martha—a nod of gratitude, a smile of encouragement—and then there were the times that she caught Castle's eye, or let her eyes flick across his face when she thought he wasn't paying attention. Despite the constant assurances from the doctors and now Alexis herself that she was going to be fine, he was afraid. Not nervous, not upset, not angry… afraid. And despite the fact that he was distracted and she was barely even talking to him directly, she found that she couldn't leave him like that.

They wanted to keep Alexis overnight, and while the teenager, though still heavily medicated, wasn't thrilled about this idea, her father, who had the final word since Alexis was a minor, was more than happy to oblige. Beckett did eventually leave, but not until almost midnight, by which point it made a whole lot more sense to go home and try to get a little bit of sleep than to go back to the precinct and try to catch up on what she'd missed.

Still, she knew she should've at least called the captain and told him what was going on at some point. But while she was at the hospital, it was frankly the farthest thing from her mind. As she walked into his office, she hoped fervently that he'd understand this.

"Sir, about yesterday—" she started, closing the door behind her as she entered.

But he interrupted her. "Sit down."

She sighed, but obeyed.

When he started speaking, it wasn't what she'd been expecting.

"So Ryan and Esposito told me everything they knew, but that wasn't much. How's Alexis? What happened?"

She gaped at him for a fraction of a second before recovering herself and answering the question. "Um, she got into an accident on her Vespa. She got a little beat up, but she's going to be okay."

"Oh, thank God. How's Castle?"

"He's… been better. Look, sir, about yesterday, I shouldn't have just left like that."

He shook his head. "Beckett, that's not why I called you in here. You did the right thing."

"But I should've at least called, or… something?" The fact that Montgomery wasn't angry with her wasn't adding up in her mind. As far as she could figure, he should've been.

"I'm sure that was the last thing you were thinking about. You know, occasionally you're gonna have something that's a higher priority than work, and as your boss I have to be okay with that." Something akin to, although not quite the same as, a smile began to form on his lips. "As long as it doesn't happen too often. But what I do want is to get the whole story and to see if there's anything I can do to help."

She nodded. "I know it was a crash with a minivan of tourists. She has a concussion, two broken ribs and a broken leg, and they did surgery to repair her spleen, but apparently it went really well. That's really all I know."

"Ugh. Poor Alexis. Poor Castle. I can't even imagine if that was one of my kids. I'd be a wreck. I'm sure it was good that you were there. Have you talked to him lately?"

"Uh, last night. Sir? How is this relevant?"

"Relevant? Come on Beckett, just trying to figure out what I can do to help the guy out. I assume from the time you spent together yesterday that the two of you have come to some sort of an agreement?"

She shrugged but then nodded. "I guess so. Yeah."

"Good. Why don't you call and ask him for me."

She sighed. She'd spent most of the day before with Castle, and she still wasn't completely over her hostility toward him. She really didn't want to call him now, to have to be the one to make the move yet again. It seemed to her that she'd taken a pretty big step toward forgiving him when she not only drove him to the hospital, but stayed there with him and his family all that time. It seemed that it should be his turn now to do something, to make some kind of gesture that would make her want to forgive him. Even if it was just a courtesy phone call to let her know that everything was still okay.

"Okay guys," she said, going again to Esposito's desk where he and Ryan were still talking. "Where are we with the case?"

"Oh, come on Beckett, you don't really think that's going to work," Ryan said, not phrasing it even remotely like a question.

"Yeah, what'd Cap want?" Esposito chimed in. "And what happened yesterday? Details."

She raised her eyebrows at Esposito. "Don't you think you've filled your annoying quota for at least the month?"

He smirked. "That all depends on what went down yesterday. You guys reconciled?"

"That all depends on what you mean by reconciled."

"Talking?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. We're talking."

"He gonna go back to working with you?" Esposito asked.

"I don't know yet. I'm sure he'll probably stay home and take care of Alexis for a few days, at least."

"Yeah, what happened with her, exactly? She okay?"

"Concussion, broke a couple of ribs and her leg, and ruptured her spleen. But they repaired the spleen and she's gonna make a full recovery." She was beginning to feel like a broken record. Why was _she_ the one who had to relay this information to what seemed like every person she'd ever known?

"Poor kid," Ryan said while Esposito grimaced.

"Anything we can do?" Esposito asked.

"Not that I can think of. Montgomery asked the same thing. He wants me to call Castle and ask if there's anything, but I don't want to bother them." That was just an excuse, and a feeble one at that, but she hoped the other two detectives wouldn't catch on.

No such luck. "Oh, come on," Ryan said. Ryan. The one who'd been on her side. "Call the man."

"Yeah, if you weren't bothering them at the hospital yesterday I'm sure calling wouldn't be a problem," Esposito put in.

"Exactly."

"Figures you guys'd be on the same page _now_," Beckett muttered. "So are you going to tell me what I missed yesterday or not?"

"Nope," Ryan said.

Esposito shook his head. "Captain's orders. You call Castle, then we brief you."

She rolled her eyes. Everything was coming together now. "Oh, I see. All three of you are conspiring against me. It makes sense now."

"Conspiring, yes," Esposito fired back. "Against you, no."

"You know, I'm not even going to glorify that by asking you what in the world you could possibly be talking about." But honestly, at this point she was acting a little bit. She knew what he meant. She knew that he and the captain and now Ryan were just trying to give her an extra push toward making a full reconciliation with Castle. And honestly, she was done telling herself and everyone else that she'd been perfectly fine while he was gone. She hadn't. Maybe they were right. Maybe making things right with him would ultimately make her happy. And it was obvious that, no matter whether it would or it wouldn't, she didn't have much choice but to call him now.

With a sigh that was at least half for show—she honestly did want to know how everything had gone since she'd left the hospital—she went to her desk and picked up the precinct's phone, just so there could be no doubt about whether she'd actually made the call, and dialed his number. She hoped her colleagues, who were still watching her closely, didn't notice how quickly his number came to her fingers, how she didn't have to look at anything to know what it was. Since she primarily used her cell phone and all of the numbers she needed were stored in her contacts, there were few she knew by heart anymore. The fact that she knew his, she told herself, simply reflected that she had to call him often for work, and sometimes from the precinct's phone. But still, she doubted Ryan and Esposito would see it this way, so she preferred that they not to see it at all.

It rang a few times and then went to voicemail. She remembered that he was probably still at the hospital, and cell phones were generally discouraged at hospitals. "Hey, it's just me," she said after the beep. "Uh, no big deal, just call me when you get a chance. Hope everything's good." She hung up and then turned to the boys, who were both looking at her with seriously mistrusting expressions. "What? He must still be at the hospital. How's it my fault he didn't answer his phone?"

They nodded reluctantly.

"So now what? Do I have to wait for him to call me back to get the details on the case?"

"No," Esposito conceded, dejected. He nodded for Ryan to get the file, which he did. They'd just barely started going through the new information they'd gathered the day before when her cell phone rang.

"He would," she grumbled without even looking at the caller I.D.

"Is it him?" Ryan asked.

"Calling at the least convenient time possible? Who else could it be?"

Sure enough, when she looked at her phone display it told her what she already knew. Richard Castle. But she couldn't help picturing the way he'd looked the night before, that intense fear in his eyes, and she consciously softened her tone before answering. "Hey, how is she?"

"She's okay," he sighed. "We're just getting ready to take her home."

"That's good. I'm sure that'll be more comfortable than the hospital for all of you."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. I just hope it's not too soon."

"Castle, I'm sure they wouldn't be releasing her if she still needed to be there. She's gonna be fine."

"You're probably right. Anyway, I'm sure you didn't call just to listen to me worry. What's up?"

"Well I did want to know how Alexis was doing. And Captain Montgomery wanted me to ask you if there was anything he could do for you guys… you know, her, or… you… Ow!" She felt someone kick her foot, and when she looked she saw that both of the other two detectives were glaring at her expectantly. "Esposito and Ryan wanted me to ask you that too," she added, and they relaxed, although they still didn't even so much as bother to pretend they weren't listening. She looked down at the foot that had taken the abuse. She was wearing one of her favorite pairs of shoes, and they hadn't been cheap. The right one now had a gorgeous scuff mark across the toe. "I'm gonna kill whichever one of you that was," she hissed under her breath, covering the mouthpiece of her phone with her hand.

Castle chuckled, and she wondered how much of their clownish antics he'd been able to hear. "Tell the guys thanks for the offer," he said, "but there really isn't anything. We have all we need, you know that."

"Yeah, but it wouldn't have to be monetary. Anything at all."

"Like what, a police escort home from the hospital? I can't think of any particular reason that would be helpful."

She sighed. "I don't know. I couldn't think of anything either, but they insisted I call you. If you do think of something just let me know though, okay?"

"I will. How's the case coming?"

She rolled her eyes and looked pointedly at Ryan and Esposito, only half-aware that they hadn't heard Castle's question. "As far as I'm concerned, it's not. Apparently getting caught up on what I missed yesterday is a slow process."

"Sorry. That's my fault. I should've let you leave."

"Hey, you tried. It's okay. If I'd really needed to go, I would've. I'll catch up, don't worry about it."

"Okay, well then I'll let you get back to that. And I have to finish getting Alexis checked out."

"Okay. Remember to call if you need anything."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

She hung up and felt her expression harden as she turned to her partners. "Okay, who was it?"

Each pointed to the other, and she sighed. "What are we in, fourth grade?"

Ryan gaped. "How do you do that?"

"What? Act like an adult? It's really not all that hard, you should try it some time."

"No, you go from being all nice to him to being all scary with us in like a second."

She rolled her eyes. "'Scary'? Really? Maybe fourth grade was generous."

"He's right, though," Esposito put in. "You're all mad at him for calling at the wrong time, and then as soon as you answer the phone you don't say a thing about it? Doesn't sound like you to me."

"Don't you think he's been through enough in the last day?"

"I guess, it's just…" Ryan started.

"He couldn't think of anything for us to do?" Esposito asked, interrupting his friend.

"No. Just like I figured he wouldn't."

"Yeah, well, at least you asked."

She sighed. "Yeah. Can we focus on the case now? Please?"


	12. Chapter 12

_Again, sorry for the wait! A little warning, this chapter takes the notion of absurdly long to a whole new level. I had this chapter planned out, but some of the scenes got longer than I thought they would, and, long story short, this chapter could easily be two if it weren't for the constraints of my sort-of-outline and the lyrics of the song. Everyone that's reviewed about length has said that they like long chapters though, so I wasn't incredibly worried about cutting it. If it's too long for you let me know though, and I'll put a bit more time into editing or rearranging the next time the issue comes up._

* * *

"_You're a song I can't get off my mind."_

Beckett found that, now that she had all the information she needed, she was the one having trouble focusing on the case. She'd been sitting in front of the whiteboard staring uncomprehendingly at its various notes for nearly twenty minutes when Esposito was suddenly beside her. She jumped, glaring at him. "Jeez! A little warning next time?"

"Sorry. Any great insights?"

"Don't you think I'd have shared them?"

"Not necessarily."

"Well, I've got nothing."

He nodded, looking down. "Shoe cleaned up okay."

"I'm still gonna kill you if you're the one who did it."

"I told you, it was Ryan."

"And _he _told me it was you. But I'm gonna get one of you to crack eventually."

"And then what are you gonna do? Shoot us?"

She shrugged. "Maybe so. Don't underestimate me."

"I don't."

"What about you guys? Any new leads?"

"Not new, just following up on some old ones." He shifted uncomfortably. "We're about to head out to pick up the vic's cousin. Alibi didn't check."

She fumed. "And you're just telling me this _now?"_

"Yeah. And you need to go check in with Lanie, she says she's got something new for us."

"You said you _didn't_ have any new leads."

"I don't. What Lanie's got is something else."

"I might just shoot you out of spite. This is my case. I'm going to pick up the suspect, you and Ryan can check in with Lanie."

"By yourself? Like hell you are."

"I'll grab some uniformed backup. Or one of you can come with me for all I care."

Esposito slid off the desk they'd been sitting on and squared himself to her. "Beckett, you look me in the eye and tell me you're not distracted right now. You've been staring at that damn whiteboard for twenty minutes and you haven't come up with anything we missed? Either Ryan and I are suddenly really good, or you're thinking less about what's on the board and more about a certain injured redheaded teenager and her family. You know as well as I do how dangerous it is to go out on the field if your head isn't totally in the game. You tell me. Is your head totally in the game?"

She looked at him for a long moment. She wanted desperately to tell him he was wrong, that she was concentrated and just hadn't been able to come up with anything, but between the way he was looking at her and the inconvenient fact that he was right about it being dangerous to go into the field distracted, she found that she couldn't. So she sighed. "I'll go talk to Lanie."

* * *

"What do you have for me, Lanie?" she asked as she entered the morgue. "We didn't ask you for any more tests, did we? The boys aren't doing the best job keeping me informed on this one."

"No more tests, no new information. No, nothing to do with the case, this is just the only way I can be sure you see you anymore, and I know _you_ have some new information to catch _me_ up on. Javi told me what happened to poor Alexis. But she's gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, she'll be just fine."

"Good. Thank God. He also told me that you spent all of yesterday at the hospital with her family?" Lanie raised her eyebrows with her trademarked sideways smile. "Last I heard you weren't even speaking with writer boy. Sounds like things are getting a little better there."

She shrugged. "He's still as ass, but at least he knows it now. We're speaking. And I do kind of feel bad for him, you know? All this stuff with Alexis? You should've seen him yesterday."

"Not his finest hour?" she asked, some sympathy in her voice, which was rare for Lanie.

"Not really. I mean, whatever he did, he doesn't deserve that. And Alexis definitely doesn't. You've met her, she's never done anything to anyone."

"I know, she's a sweetie. But she's not really what this is about, is she?"

"What _what_ is about?"

"What we're talking about right now."

"Hey, you started this whole conversation. I don't _know_ what we're talking about."

Lanie shook her head, frustrated. "You didn't _go_ to that hospital for Alexis, and you certainly didn't stay there all day for her."

Beckett sighed. Lanie obviously didn't know what they were talking about either. "She asked me to, actually. Castle told me to go back to work. So yeah, I did."

"Okay, I don't care if you're admitting to me, or him, or yourself, or anyone else what you're doing or who you're doing it for."

"Then what are you trying to tell me, Lanie?"

"I was just trying to talk to you. I haven't seen you in a little while and you're always working, and I happen to have a feeling about where you're gonna be going after work for at least a couple days now."

"This ought to be good. Where am I going?"

"I'm not sayin' anything because you're just gonna jump down my throat. And I don't even know if you're plannin' in, but if I know you, it's where you're gonna end up. I'm not sure you shouldn't be there now. Not makin' a whole lotta headway on the case, from what I've heard."

Beckett sighed before she replied, her tone clipped. "Don't get me wrong, it's great that you and Esposito are together, but you really need to stop talking about me."

"Oh, we talk about other things too."

"You _really_ need to stop talking about me," she repeated.

"As your friend and your colleague, the only thing more I'm gonna say is you need to figure out what's distracting you and take care of it. And you can take that whatever way you please."

"Well if that's the only thing more you're going to say, then I'm going to get back to work."

"Okay, go work. But call me once in awhile, okay? Don't make me rely on Javi to tell me what's going on with my girl, and don't make me resort to makin' up stuff about work to get you in here to talk to me. Okay?"

Frustrated, she waved at Lanie as she made her way to the door.

But Lanie wasn't having that. "Kate Beckett, last I checked I was your best friend. Now, unless you wanna be on the market for a new one, I suggest you look at me and give me an answer."

She realized she was taking frustrations out on Lanie that the M.E. hadn't caused and sighed, feeling a little guilty for treating her so poorly. She faced her friend. "Sorry, Lanie. I'll call you, I swear."

Lanie smiled. "There's my girl. Okay, go on back to work. I'll talk to you soon."

* * *

As was often the case, Lanie's words echoed in her head for the rest of the day. She was right, as was Esposito. She _was _distracted, to the point that she was off her game, and to the point that she was being rude to Lanie. But what exactly was it that she was she distracted by? So many things, really. Castle wasn't around and she felt like he should've been. She was still mad at him. She wanted to forgive him, but she needed him to fully understand why what he did was so bad first, and she wasn't sure how she could make him understand that when she wasn't entirely sure herself. In addition to that, she felt terribly about Alexis and she wanted to _know_, not just assume, that the girl was doing okay, and she wanted to make sure that Castle wasn't beating himself up too much about what happened. It wasn't his fault, but he didn't seem to accept that entirely, and he needed to. And then she was annoyed and further distracted by the fact that she _was_ distracted and wasn't making much headway on the case, which was probably the main reason she'd been so snippy with Lanie.

So every reason for her distraction pretty much involved Castle, whether directly or indirectly. What did that mean? She remembered Lanie's advice. "Take care of it."

* * *

She was in the parking lot of his building before she remembered the other part of what Lanie had said: "I happen to have a feeling about where you're gonna be going after work for at least a couple days now." She sighed, but smiled. Lanie knew her well, better than she knew herself at times. Kate hadn't known what she'd been talking about at the time, but now that she was here she knew she'd proven her friend right.

She wasn't expected, and she hoped her just showing up like this would be alright. She was a little nervous as she stood before the loft's front door. She didn't know who would answer or how she'd be greeted. She wasn't even one hundred percent sure that anyone was home, although she knew they were on point of heading back from the hospital the last time she talked to Castle, so they should've been there.

From the time she rang the bell, it took a little longer than she would've expected for the door to be answered, but finally it swung open to a very tired-looking Castle. "Kate," he greeted her, "hey. What are you doing here? Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, Castle. Can I come in?"

"Oh, yeah, for sure. Sorry." He moved aside and ushered her through the door.

"How's Alexis?"

"Oh you know, she's…" he broke off, looking at her with the same worried expression that had been stuck in her head since the hospital. "I don't really know. I can tell she's in pain, but I can't really get her to talk to me."

"Is Martha with her now?"

"Yeah. She has a play rehearsal in…" he looked at a nearby clock, "an hour now, I guess. I'm supposed to be trying to get some sleep until then, but…" he shrugged sheepishly. "I wasn't really getting anywhere. I can't stop thinking about her. It could've been so much worse."

"But it wasn't," she told him gently.

"But it could've been." His expression was fixed, stubborn.

"But it _wasn't." _She could be just as stubborn as he could. Maybe more. "Have you slept at all since I left?"

He thought for a second. "No."

"Yeah, you look like it. What if I sat with Alexis for a little while? Would that help?"

"No, you don't have to do that. We're fine."

She rolled her eyes. "You're not fine. You need sleep, Castle. You'd tell me the same thing if we were in opposite positions. And I know I don't have to, but Alexis is a sweet kid and you're my friend, and I want to do what I can to help. So let me. Would it help?"

He sighed and nodded.

"You think you could sleep if I was with her?"

He nodded again. "Yeah. I trust you. Not that I don't trust my mom, but—"

She cut him off. "Okay. Show me where her room is."

* * *

"Hey sweetie, there's someone here to see you," Castle announced as he led Kate into his daughter's bedroom.

"Dad, I told you I didn't want any visitors," Alexis complained. Clearly she was less drugged than she had been the last time Beckett had seen her. If nothing else, she was more capable of creating a coherent sentence.

Beckett stepped in front of Castle before he could say anything. "I just wanted to see how you were doing, hon," she said. "If you want me to go I will, but I told your dad I'd sit with you for awhile so he could get some sleep. That okay?"

"Detective Beckett, hey," she greeted her. "Sorry. I didn't think it would be you. You can stay, but… don't you have better things to do?"

She smiled. "Don't worry about that. Nothing important."

Martha hugged her. "Kate, darling, you're just what we needed around here. Things were starting to get a little tense. Richard hasn't slept, and Alexis—"

"Gram?" Alexis warned, interrupting her.

Martha changed her tone, eliminating all traces of the sarcasm that was still obviously supposed to be there, "Alexis is in the most wonderful mood of her life. I should really be getting ready for my rehearsal, but I thought I'd let him sleep a little longer. Now that you're here though, if you don't mind—"

She nodded. "I'm fine here, as long as that's okay with Alexis. Go."

Martha nodded graciously and slipped out of the room.

"Dad?" Alexis asked, "Aren't you going, too? Sleep, remember?"

"Right." He looked to Kate, picking up a bottle of pills. "She can have one of these at seven, if you're still here." He put it down and tapped another bottle. "If the pain isn't as bad, she can have two of these. How are you feeling, sweetie?"

"Same as I was when you asked me fifteen minutes ago," Alexis growled. _"Fine."_

Castle sighed, but moved on. "There's food in the kitchen if she gets hungry, and help yourself to anything you want. My bedroom is two doors down on the left, come get me if you need _anything_._"_

"I'm sure we'll be fine, Castle. Get your rest."

He nodded. "Okay." He started to leave but then turned back around. "Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"How many times have I thanked you for this?"

"I… don't think you have. But I'll count this as one."

"Thank you," he told her redundantly. "There's two."

She nodded. "It's no problem."

"And how many times have I apologized?"

She blushed. "For?"

"You know what for."

She wondered if Alexis had any idea what they were talking about, but didn't look at the girl. "Once."

"I'm sorry. There's two." With that, he turned and left, closing the bedroom door behind him.

* * *

She felt the blush still on her cheeks as she turned to Alexis, but the girl thankfully didn't ask what they'd been talking about. "He's driving me _crazy_," she said through her teeth instead.

Beckett smiled. "I know the feeling." It occurred to her after she said it that maybe she shouldn't have. Castle was Alexis's father, after all.

But Alexis wasn't offended. Rather, she smiled. "Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here."

"I'm glad you're glad. Why's he driving you crazy?"

"He's _hovering_. Asking me how I am every five seconds, giving me these worried looks, and he won't leave me alone. _Ever._ He either has to be with me or have Gram with me all the time, even at night, to make sure I don't need anything. I mean, the doctors said to watch me a little more closely because of the concussion, but I started taking extra time in the bathroom just because it's the only time I ever get to myself. It's _bad."_

"Alexis, I know it might seem like a long time ago now, but your accident was only yesterday. He'll calm down. Things will go back to normal."

"Well, do you think you could maybe push him along a little? I can't deal with this for much longer."

"I doubt there's much I can do. If you haven't noticed, things have been a little… rocky between us lately."

"Believe me, I've noticed. When you guys weren't talking he was really distant. But now? I'd kill for distant."

Beckett smirked. "Never say things like that to a homicide detective."

Alexis blushed. "Oh. Right."

She laughed. "I'm kidding. I'm not going to arrest you or anything. We're just talking. Say what you want."

Alexis visibly relaxed. "Okay." She looked at the chair where Martha had been sitting before Kate came in. "You should sit down."

Kate moved the chair a little and then did. "Yeah, that's better," she said, smiling. "So, how're you really feeling? I promise I won't ask you every five minutes, or even every fifteen. As long as you give me an honest answer the first time."

But Alexis wasn't quick with a response. "Can we make a deal?" she asked instead.

Beckett was a little wary of that. She couldn't help it. "Depends on what that deal is."

"You can ask me that or any other question you want and I'll give you a completely honest answer, but then I get to ask _you_ a question and you have to give _me_ a completely honest answer."

Kate smiled. This sounded a lot like a slumber party game. She didn't know Alexis that well and wasn't accustomed to being especially open with people she didn't know well, but she was positive that she could handle one question. What could Alexis ask? Plus, they had to do something to pass the time. "Okay. I'm game."

"Do you want to change your question?"

"No, I stand by it. How are you really feeling?"

Alexis closed her eyes for a bit longer than the length of a blink, either thinking or somehow grimacing, Kate couldn't tell which. "Everything hurts. Literally everything. The medicine dulls it but doesn't make it go away, plus it's wearing off, and I hate the way it makes me feel. All out of it and weird. I'm taking the over the counter stuff at seven, I don't care what my dad says. The doctors said it was okay and it helps enough with the pain."

Beckett nodded. "As far as I'm concerned, that's entirely up to you. What hurts the most?"

"Ribs," Alexis answered easily. "My leg is fine as long as I don't move it, and that's easy enough. My head hurts a little, but I can deal with that. But between the broken ribs and whatever they did to repair my spleen, if I move the whole middle part of my body at all it hurts _a lot_. And that's really hard to not do."

Now Beckett grimaced. "That must be awful. I can only imagine."

Alexis sighed, and then continued more quietly, "Why did this have to happen?"

"It's not fair. You're right. But you know, a lot of stuff happens that isn't fair."

"Like with your mom?"

She swallowed. She hadn't actually been thinking about that, and she hadn't expected Alexis to delve into her subconscious quite so directly, but she was Castle's daughter, so she guessed she should've. "Yeah, like that. And just… you know. A lot of what I see from day to day. So much of it isn't fair. Bad stuff happening to good people."

"What about bad stuff happening to bad people? Do you think they deserve it?"

She frowned. "I mean, I'm a cop, so yeah, I believe in justice. I believe that criminals should be put in jail. But if you're talking about karma, I'm not so sure. Why do you ask?"

"Do you believe my dad deserves to go through this? All the worrying and everything? For what he did to you?"

She faltered. "How much do you know about that?"

"More than you'd think. I try not to know much about my dad's love life, but I usually find out. She was a murder suspect, right? He dated her?"

Beckett nodded. "Yeah." If this was all Alexis knew, that was fine. If she knew more but this was all she was saying, or "dated" was some kind of a euphemism, that was also fine.

"I love my dad. I do. But he's stupid sometimes. He's a guy. He can't help it."

Beckett smiled at that, but let it fade as she got to actually answering the girl's question. "You're right about that. But do I think he deserved this? No. Absolutely not. If I thought that, do you really think I'd be here right now trying to help?"

"No," she said quietly, "I guess not." Her tone changed. "Okay, can I ask you my question now?"

Kate raised her eyebrows. "You mean you haven't yet?" She'd revealed a lot to the girl already, and while she hadn't been exactly sure which part of what Alexis had asked was _the_ question, she was certain that some part of it was.

"Oh, well, I didn't mean for it to be. I just… I thought we were talking, and I guess I got a little carried away. Is that okay?"

She couldn't help but smile. She couldn't say no to Alexis, not when she felt so bad for her. And what was one more question? "Yeah, it's fine."

"Okay. Good." She paused, smiled a little, and started her question, obviously prepared. "What's up with you and my dad now?"

Beckett rolled her eyes. "Can't you just ask me my favorite color or something?"

"That's no fun."

"I have to be totally honest, right?"

Alexis nodded slightly, probably as much as she was able to without causing herself intense pain.

"Then I have to tell you that I don't really have any idea. Why, has he said anything?"

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Please. He hasn't said anything to me that wasn't _about_ me since the hospital. He started to open up a little bit when he started going to the precinct again… but not a ton. I can tell you for sure that he trusts you. He was more willing to leave you with me here than he was Gram. And at the hospital? He was so much more relaxed when you were there."

"He was? Once you were awake we barely talked."

"It was just that you were there, I think. Another friendly face."

She nodded. "I get that, I guess."

"But I think it's more than that. I think it's always been more than that. I think, no, forget that, I _know_ he really cares about you. I mean, he loves working cases and solving 'real' mysteries, but you've seen his attention span. The only reason he really still does it is you. He likes being with you, but he never really says anything about it because, like I said, he's a guy and he can be stupid, and he doesn't know if you feel the same way."

Kate blushed again. How was she supposed to address this? "It's always been… complicated," she said. The deal was for complete honesty, but she didn't think she could or should tell the teenager that yes, she did care about her father, but she didn't feel able to fully trust him. Even if it was true, it didn't seem like the right thing to say, plus it was more complicated than that. More complicated than she was able to explain, than she could make Alexis understand. Right now she was fairly sure it was more complicated even than she could understand herself.

"That's not really an answer."

She sighed and decided to settle for as much of the truth as she could give the girl. "I do care about him."

* * *

_Personally, I have very mixed feelings about this chapter. One, I think it's way too long, but that's reasonably unimportant. I don't know, there are parts of it I like, and obviously I got a little too attached to parts of it to edit it violently (hence the fact that it's still REALLY long...), but I feel like there were scenes I could've written better, and places where the meaning I intended probably didn't quite come through. Maybe it's just because this chapter took me so long to write and it hasn't been long since I finshed it. I don't know. Reviews are always very much appreciated, though. Thanks so much for your time and patience, especially lately. I'll get back to consistent updating, I swear! As soon as I can chase away the writers' block gnomes that have set up camp under my bed (where I tend to do most of my writing). Anybody know a good gnome exterminator?_


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: I will only make one apology with regard to this chapter, and that has to do with the fact that I'm posting it later than I wanted to. My goal was to post it today so you have something extra to distract you while you impatiently wait for "Countdown" (and hopefully so your reviews distract me while I wait impatiently...), and for some of you that'll still work unless I take an eternity writing this author's note, which is entirely possible knowing me, but likely not as many people will see it before then as I'd hoped. But that's okay. It's still a Castle Day update, which I haven't been able to do in awhile, so that's good. If only I could change my major to Fanfiction (or maybe Creative Writing, with a concentration in Fanfiction? I could totally deal with that...), I might be able to update close to as much as I was for awhile there. I totally would, but unfortunately my school doesn't offer that. Silly people. As it is, I do need to do work pertaining to my actual classes once in awhile, and none of them are fanfiction classes. Anyway, talk to you more at the end of the chapter. For now, happy Castle Day (Castle Night at this point, I guess...) and enjoy!_

* * *

"_In a dire strait, with no help at all in sight,"_

"Beckett, you're still here," Castle observed as he entered his daughter's room. She looked at her watch. It was a little after ten o'clock. She and Alexis had just been talking pretty much the whole time she'd been there, but the time had gone fast. She wouldn't have thought she'd have so much to talk about with a seventeen-year-old girl, but she remembered more about being that age than she might've expected, and Alexis definitely had wisdom and maturity beyond her years.

"Yeah, I am. Shouldn't I be?"

"No, I mean, yeah, I guess you should, it's just… late. I'm surprised my mom's not back yet."

"I'm sure she was happy to get out of here," Alexis grumbled. "I'd be taking advantage of it."

Castle rolled his eyes. "How are you feeling other than restless, honey?"

Alexis looked at Beckett, who nodded. She'd told the teenager to try to give her father a break. She totally understood Alexis's frustration, but she also knew Castle well enough to understand that he was worried and that Alexis being difficult wasn't going to help that situation any. Plus Castle's point that he couldn't help Alexis unless he knew how she really felt made sense. "Sore. I still can't really move. But okay. We were just talking. Which is about all I can do."

"What can I get you?"

"Nothing. I'm good. Detective Beckett took good care of me, I swear."

Castle softened a little and smiled at Beckett before turning back to his daughter. "I'm sure she did. Did you eat?"

"Yeah," Beckett cut in. "Leftovers in the fridge."

"Good. I'm sure you want to get out of here, right?" he asked her. "It's late."

"Yeah, I should be getting home."

He nodded. "You can find your own way out, I'm sure?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you for a minute." He looked at his daughter warily and Beckett raised her eyebrows at him. "It won't take long, I swear. She'll be fine." Reluctantly he nodded and exited the bedroom again. "Bought you a few minutes to yourself," she murmured to Alexis before leaving the room herself. The teenager smiled graciously, which pleased Kate, although this wasn't really the reason she wanted to talk to Castle alone.

"Thanks again for staying with her," he said when she caught up to him in the entryway. "It was more of a help than you know."

"It was no problem. Wasn't a bad way to spend the evening, actually." She didn't say it, but she'd enjoyed talking to Alexis more than she would've spending the evening alone in her apartment, as she'd planned to do. "Did you get some sleep? You look better."

"Yeah. A few good hours, anyway." He yawned.

She rolled her eyes. "Promise me you'll get at least a few more tonight? Alexis is fine, she doesn't need you to watch her at all times. And not that she really needs it, but since she is going to be pretty much bedridden for a couple of days, you might want to consider getting a nurse or something in here to help you out. You can't go like this for much longer."

He nodded. "That isn't a bad idea. And I promise I will sleep. Although it might be in a chair in her room."

"Fair enough. Is there anything I can do for you before I take off?"

"Alexis says she doesn't need anything."

"What about you?"

He started to shake his head but then paused, apparently reconsidering. "Let me apologize one more time for whatever I did."

But therein, he didn't even realize, was the crux of the issue. "Whatever I did." He still didn't understand. And she knew it wasn't fair for her to expect him to, because she didn't exactly understand herself. He'd been single. She, as far as he knew, had been with Josh. Neither had ever directly expressed any feelings for the other beyond friendship. But the truth was that she hadn't been with Josh anymore, and she'd been opening up to Castle. She'd been steadily opening up to him from the first day they met, like an umbrella, and this whole thing with Caroline had made her want to snap closed again. But it wasn't that easy. She wasn't an umbrella, and no matter what she did, she couldn't close. She couldn't take away the things he knew about her. She could freeze him out, push him away, but no matter what she did, he still knew her, maybe better than anyone else. Did she want him to be sorry that he'd made her open up in the first place, or did she want him to be sorry that he was who he was? She'd always known what he was like, always known she could never fully trust him. Why should he have to apologize for that? It was she who'd been stupid, who'd let her guard down too much. Now it was too late to take that back, and it wasn't his fault. They'd infiltrated each other's lives, and now they couldn't retreat. They couldn't ever return to the time before they'd known each other. And even that wasn't what she wanted. What she did want, she didn't know. "I'm listening," she simply said, for lack of a better response.

"I'm sorry."

"For?" Even if she wasn't exactly sure what she _wanted_ him to apologize for, she was curious about what he _was_ apologizing for.

He looked her directly in the eye, not casting around for ideas or trying to put together a response. He knew what he wanted to say. "Betraying your trust."

She nodded once before slipping out the door with a smile that she hadn't wanted to show him. Maybe he understood a little better than she thought.

* * *

As much as she had enjoyed her little unplanned girls' night with Alexis, as she sat in the cab on the way back to her apartment, she found that she was looking forward to the brief period of quiet and the sleep that would follow it. The last few days had been tiring, to say the least.

She used the last of the cash in her wallet to tip the cab driver and then ducked into her building. She stood outside her apartment door for a few minutes, fumbling in her purse for her keys. She frowned when they weren't in their usual pocket, and dug through every possible hiding place before coming to the obvious but terrible conclusion: her keys weren't in her purse. She could picture exactly where they were, too. There was a drawer on her desk at work that locked, and the key to that drawer was on the key ring with the keys to her apartment. She'd used it, and then, preoccupied, had set her keys down on her desk and gone to do something else, forgetting about them. She _never_ did things like that, but she had. And she didn't keep a spare key outside the door anywhere, because she lived in an apartment building, and the way it was set up there really wasn't anywhere to put an extra key that wouldn't have been painfully obvious to anyone looking to get in uninvited.

Clearly, what she needed to do was get back to the precinct and get her keys. But she didn't have money on her for a cab, and the thought of taking the subway—walking from her apartment to the nearest station, waiting for it, and then walking from there to the precinct—was exhausting. Not to mention the fact that she was pretty sure she didn't have enough money left on her card to make the trip anyway. She'd been intending to add money after work today, but she'd gone to Castle's instead and it had slipped her mind. She realized with disgust how much had been slipping her mind lately, how much she'd been failing to notice or deal with. That couldn't go on. Something had to change.

But she wasn't sure how she could possibly change anything when she couldn't even get into her own apartment. Frustrated, she kicked the door. That did nothing but create another scuff mark on her shoe, and she swore. She thought for half a second about kicking it down, but it was _her_ apartment, and frustrated though she was, that was extreme and pathetic. Plus then she'd have to reattach it, which really wasn't her expertise, or get someone to reattach it, which she figured might be difficult at almost eleven o'clock at night.

She got out her cell phone and selected Lanie's number. It was a Friday night, and she was reasonably sure that, whatever the M.E. was doing, it wasn't sleeping. Who better to call than the person who had so recently chided her for not calling enough?

The phone rang several times, and she'd just accepted the fact that it was probably going to go to voicemail when Lanie answered. "When I said you had to call me more, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind," she grumbled.

"Are you with Esposito?" She'd known that he was likely with Lanie, but she didn't need him to know the reason she was calling.

"Beckett, it's eleven o'clock on a Friday night. What the hell do you think I'm doing?"

"Dammit Lanie, you didn't need to say my name out loud."

"Just tell me why you're calling before I work out how to kill you through the phone."

"I'm locked out of my apartment. But don't tell Esposito that."

There was a silence on the other end of the phone for a good couple seconds. "Are you drunk?"

"No!" she practically shrieked. She remembered that she was in the hallway and neighbors were probably sleeping so she managed to keep her voice low, although the pitch rose. "I left my keys at work."

"You _what?"_

She sighed, realizing that even if he was only hearing Lanie's end of the conversation, Esposito had probably already heard more than she wanted him to. Between that and her friend's clearly incredibly supportive reactions, she could no longer remember why she'd decided that Lanie was the best person to call. "I left them at work. People do stuff like that all the time."

"Oh, people do? Maybe so, but Kate Beckett never does."

"Can you maybe not chastise me over that right now and move on to helping me?"

"Okay, but what can _I_ do?"

"I need to get to the precinct to get my keys, but I don't have money for a cab on me."

"So take the subway."

"The closest subway terminal to here isn't all that close, and I think my card's empty."

"Honey, any other day I would help you out in a second, and you know I would, but this really isn't a good time. I don't really have any way to get to you right now, especially without telling Javi, who, by the way, isn't actually in the room right now, so you're safe. If I did tell him I'm sure we could help you, but you don't want me to do that and I don't really want to interrupt my evening, so can you figure something else out?"

She sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll figure out something."

"Good." Lanie's first response was confident, but then her tone changed, landing somewhere between skeptical and supportive. "You sure you're gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, Lanie. I'll be fine. I'll figure it out."

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah, bye." She flipped her phone closed with a sigh. What now? She could probably walk to the precinct from her apartment, but she remembered the last time she'd tried to do that in reverse, her footwear not much different from what it was now, and just thinking about it tired her. But what choice did she have? She leaned against her door, casting around for other options but not coming up with any. She let her back slide down the door until she was sitting against her apartment's entry. So close, and yet so far away.

She would walk to the precinct, get her keys, and come back. It wasn't that far, she told herself. She could do it. She just needed to rest for a minute first, to prepare herself for the long walk. She let her eyes slide closed, just for a second. Just a little break before she left again. A few minutes of recovery time after a long week. She deserved that, didn't she? Her eyelids felt heavy, but that was okay. It wasn't time to open them yet. Just another minute.

* * *

_A/N (again!): Okay. I haven't been labeling my author's notes for chapters now, and I don't know why I randomly started to again. I get that you get that that's what the random italics at the beginning and end of almost every chapter is. I think I'm just amusing myself. I'm entirely too excited about Castle being soon, and I'm apparently dealing with that by making this note even more rambly than usual. Oooh well. And, seriously, get excited... I will not mention anything about the length of this chapter. Because lots of you yelled at me for bothering to worry about it last time. So I'm not. You're right. There are more important things to obsess about than whether all my chapter lengths are fairly consistent (which they're not!)._

_This chapter... parts I like, parts I don't. As usual. And I tried to edit it, but I wrote a big chunk of it while taking sleep deprived to a whole new level, so it's entirely possible that it shows. If so, sorry. Oh, crap. I said I wasn't apologizing anymore. Oh well. Buuut seriously, I want feedback regardless of whether you think this chapter is awesome or it actually reads like the work of a mindless zombie. So review please! Thaaank you. :)_

_Oooh, random point: I just realized my spring break coincides with the incredibly annoying two-weeks-without-Castle period, which is partly awful because it's going to go twice as slow without school to distract me, but also could definitely mean lots of extra writing time. So I make no promises about the rest of this week, but next week might be much better. :)_


	14. Chapter 14

_Wow. I was just playing with my outline (partly to straighten a few things out in my mind, and partly because I'm hardcore putting off starting a paper... that's due tomorrow and I haven't even looked at yet...) and there's still quite a bit of story left to go here. We're not even halfway through. That's a good thing, but if it keeps taking me this long to get chapters finished, this story will probably be done somewhere around my 80th birthday. (I'm 20, in case you needed that perspective.) Okay. Slight exaggeration. I'm trying, I swear. Sorry about the wait, but I hope it was worth it. Enjoy the chapter, and I'll get around to more specific grumbling after you've finished reading. :)_

* * *

"_You come rushing in, rushing in, with a lifeline."_

"Hey." She felt a hand on her shoulder gently shaking her awake. "Kate. Seriously? Were you just going to sleep here?"

She opened her eyes and groggily focused on the man kneeling on the floor in front of her. "Castle? What the hell are you doing here?" She stood up as quickly as she could, as though getting to her feet would erase the fact that she'd been practically lying on the floor when he found her, but apparently it was too quickly because she got so dizzy she had to put her hand on the doorframe to steady herself.

"Easy," Castle said. He'd stood up when she had, and he put his hand on her arm so she wouldn't actually have needed the doorframe.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded for a second time.

"Lanie called me. She said you were locked out of your apartment, and could I come make sure you didn't decide to do anything stupid. And I'm guessing this is _exactly_ what she meant by that. Sleeping in the hallway?"

"I wasn't _sleeping _here," she insisted. "I was going to walk back to the precinct and get my keys. But I guess I did fall asleep. I must've been more tired than I thought."

"The twelfth isn't exactly walking distance from here," Castle reminded her, a little scolding in his tone. "Why you keep thinking it is, I really don't know. Why didn't you call me when Lanie couldn't come?"

"Honestly? I didn't think of it. But even if I had, I probably would've figured you didn't want to leave Alexis."

"I didn't, but my mom's home now, so she's with her. I'd still like to get back soon though, so can we go?"

"Oh. Yeah." She followed him down the hallway. "You don't mind giving me a ride?"

"Of course I don't mind. Why do you think I'm here?"

"Thanks, Castle. You didn't have to come, you know. I'm sure you have more important things on your mind right now."

"I don't know about more important."

She frowned. "No, Alexis is definitely more important."

"I'll give you _as_ important."

"No, Alexis is your daughter. I'm just…" _What?_ She broke off, not knowing how to finish her sentence. How would she even begin to define their relationship?

"My friend." Castle continued it for her effortlessly. You're my friend. And my partner."

She made a face. "I'm not your partner. You're _my _partner when we're at work, but we're not at work now." They reached his car and she got into the passenger side, not in the mood to argue for driving rights. It was his car, and he was giving her a ride. She could tolerate that this one time, as long as he didn't expect it to happen again.

"The word 'partner' implies a mutual relationship," he argued as he started the car. "Does this mean you're letting me back in?"

_Oops._ She was tired, and her mouth had gotten away from her. If she'd been halfway paying attention to what she was spouting, she'd have realized that Castle would take her "you're my partner" comment as an open invitation to start shadowing her again. "We'll see," she sighed.

He nodded. "But you're right, we're not at work now." He sounded entirely too eager, talking about "work" like he was a cop, just like he always had. "So I stand by the first thing I said. You're my friend. And work-related or not, if you ever need anything, you can call me. You _should_ call me." He looked at her as he said this last part, eyes filled with almost heartbreaking sincerity. Maybe "heartbreaking" wasn't exactly the right word, but it was definitely doing something to her heart besides increasing the pace of its beating. Which was also happening.

She cleared her throat and nodded once, then turned away from him and looked out the window resolutely as he pulled out of the parking lot, determined not to nonverbally give him more than she wanted to. It took her tired brain a few silent minutes to realize he wasn't headed toward the precinct. "Hey, you're going the wrong way," she told him.

"No I'm not."

"The precinct isn't even in this direction."

"We're not going to the precinct."

"Castle, I need to get my keys."

"You can get your keys in the morning. Right now I need to get back to Alexis, and we both need sleep. You can crash at my place. We have an extra bedroom."

"Martha's with her, right? She's fine. Just take me to the precinct. It won't take that much longer."

"If I do that, I have to drive you to the precinct, back to your place, and then back to mine from there. It'll take a lot longer."

"Just leave me at the precinct, then. I'll sleep in the break room."

"No, absolutely not. If I was going to drive you to the precinct, I'd drive you home too. But that's not what we're doing."

Beckett sighed. "I'm sure you've never heard this before, but you're really annoying."

His eyes sparkled. "First time for everything."

"You do know I'm still pissed at you, right?"

The sparkle went out of his eyes and the slightly unsettling serious Castle returned. "I know. And I'm trying my damndest to correct that."

"Well for future reference, this isn't helping."

"Good to know. But I guarantee you the bed in our guest room is far superior to the floor in your hallway."

"Debatable," she grumbled.

"Well then it's a good thing you're not in a position to debate with me."

She was a little annoyed with herself for not taking his keys when she'd had the chance. She was tired, and she'd let her guard down. Not a smart thing to do with Castle around. Now she had virtually no choice but to spend the night at his loft. She guessed she could refuse and walk back to the precinct from there, but his loft was considerably farther from the twelfth even than her apartment was, and that would defeat the purpose of getting a ride from Castle in the first place. She was also pretty sure that if she was adamant enough about not staying there she could get him to loan her the money for a cab, but she really hated the idea of borrowing money from Castle. She didn't want to owe him anything.

Soon enough they reached his building, and as she got out of the car another unpleasant thought crossed her mind. Martha and Alexis must've already known that she'd been stupid and locked herself out of her apartment, and now she'd have to face them. She really wasn't in the mood to deal with any further embarrassment. All she wanted to do was sleep. But following that theme, she also didn't have the energy to argue with Castle, so she followed him into the building, the elevator, and finally his apartment door.

"Richard, good, I'm glad you're home," Martha called from the kitchen as soon as they walked in. "And Kate, it's nice to see you again, although I can't say I was expecting you."

"Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to intrude," she said on her way over to where Martha was standing, "but _Richard_ here wouldn't have it any other way."

"Intrude? Oh, nonsense, you're welcome here any time, I hope you know that."

"I'm glad you feel comfortable welcoming people into _my_ home," Castle interjected. He smiled at Kate. "But she's right, you're always welcome here."

She smiled and nodded at Martha graciously, but then turned and rolled her eyes at Castle. She wanted to be polite to Martha, but she was still annoyed with Castle for bringing her back here.

Castle turned to his mother again, suddenly irritated. "Why aren't you with Alexis?"

"She was asleep, and I came out for a glass of water." She held up the glass on the counter behind her as evidence.

He nodded grudgingly. "I'm gonna go check on her. I'll be back." He practically jogged up the stairs to his daughter's room, leaving Kate and Martha together in the kitchen.

"Poor man has been a nervous wreck since the accident," Martha said, shaking her head, as soon as her son was out of earshot. "Not that I can blame him. It was an awful thing that happened, and it could've been so much worse than it was."

"But it wasn't," Kate reminded Martha gently, as she'd already told Castle.

"I know. Thank God. She's going to be just fine. Still… this hasn't been easy for any of us. But Richard's taking it the hardest. He's had a rough few weeks, and this was the icing on the cake. He's blaming himself for buying her the scooter in the first place, and for whatever else he can think of, logical or not. Your being around is working wonders, I can tell you that. You know when he went to pick you up just now was the first time he's left her side for more than a few minutes, besides when you were with her earlier?"

She frowned. "He wasn't with her when I got here before. You were. He was supposed to be taking a nap, right?"

"Right, but he wasn't, now was he? And it wasn't more than a few minutes from the time he left the room to the time you arrived."

"I'm not sure I see what you're getting at."

"Just that we're glad you're here. Even if you're not. I know he probably dragged you here against your will, but try to remember that his reasons for doing that might be different than what he told you. You don't see it because, well, when you're here, you're here, but he's so much more relaxed when you're around. I've never seen him trust anyone the way he trusts you."

Beckett was unable to stop herself from rolling her eyes. When Martha raised her eyebrows at her, she blushed. "I'm sorry, it's just… it seems to me he trusts people pretty quickly."

"I think you're confusing my meaning. I'm not talking about attraction, though there's certainly some of that between the two of you as well."

She felt the blush on her cheeks deepen.

"I'm talking about trust," Martha continued. "He listens to you. Whether he takes your advice or not, he _listens_. And he's willing to leave Alexis alone with you. He won't even leave me with her for very long right now, and I'm her grandmother. Believe me, it takes more than most people realize to fully win Richard Castle's trust. And you have it."

She shifted uncomfortably, unsure how to respond to that. Martha was his mother, and they lived together and saw each other every single day. Although the Castle family was what some people might call dysfunctional, she'd seen them functioning, especially lately, and they functioned well. They were always there for each other. All three were very in touch with the needs and nuances of the others. In this way, if for no other reason, they reminded her a little of her own family before her mother's death had thrown everything into chaos. Maybe Martha was right. Maybe there was something special about the way Castle trusted her. But even if this was the case… did it change anything?

* * *

_So. This chapter. Where do I even start? Let's just say we had our differences. Remember the writers' block gnomes that I thought were hiding under my bed at school? It seems they followed me home for spring break. I spent a good portion of it staring at my open document and not getting anywhere. Specifically, Martha did not seem to like the idea of being written by me. Her voice was just not finding its way to my fingers. But I did finally manage to claw my way through the scene, and edited it quite a few times, so I hope it didn't come out completely awful. One thing I can say on this chapter's behalf is that, unlike a lot of what's been going on lately, there's very little filler. Because of the nature of what I'm doing with this story, basing each chapter on a lyric, there's definitely some marking time and filling space until the song gets to the next major turn. But whether it seemed trivial or not, most of what went on in this chapter was important as far as setting up the overall plot._

_My hope and my feeling is that I left the writers' block gnomes at home. (I just knocked on wood... so hopefully we're good. Oh, hey, that rhymed.) I have a really good outline for the next few chapters, and I don't think I'll have too much trouble writing them. The issue as far as updating is going to have to do with time. The other story I'm working on now is about a chapter away from finished, and I'd really like to wrap that up before I put too much work into the next chapter of this one. Besides that, my suitemate just informed me that we only have six weeks of school left in the semester (yay!), which means I really need to start doing all the work I've been putting off (not yay). That seriously cuts into my writing time. But I'll do what I can, and will try very hard to get a new chapter finished in (considerably?) less than the ridiculous two weeks that this one took._


	15. Chapter 15

_I personally cannot wait until I actually post another chapter of this that I'm legitimately proud of. Everything lately has been so "eh," to use a technical term. However, I did finally finish another chapter. Sorry I'm making you wait so long. Knocking on wood, I think things will be picking up soon, both in terms of plot and updating speed. For now, I hope you at least enjoy this chapter. I do like the end. :)_

* * *

"_If the night is cold, and you're feeling low,"_

Castle reappeared in the kitchen within a few minutes. "Mom, go and sit with Alexis while I get Kate settled in, okay?"

It wasn't really a question, but Martha nodded her consent. "Goodnight, Kate," she said before leaving.

"Night, Martha." She flicked her hand in a wave to the older woman before turning to Castle. "How's Alexis?"

He shrugged. "Asleep."

"You know you don't need to monitor her twenty-four hours a day, especially when she's sleeping."

"No one's with her now," he said defensively.

"Okay, but your mom will be in about five seconds. And tell me you wouldn't be freaking out if that wasn't the case."

"Point taken." He sighed, leaning against the counter. "It's just… she was hit by a car. What if it had gone just a little bit differently? If the driver was going a little faster, or she was in a different place, maybe a few inches closer to one of the wheels… she could be—"

She saw his hands shaking, the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes, and she interrupted him before he could finish his thought. "Get out of that place," she scolded. "It doesn't matter what could've happened. It didn't. She's fine."

"I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to her."

"Nothing is going to happen to her." She met his eyes for a brief instant, but when she saw how tear-filled his were she averted hers, suddenly fascinated with one of the barstools in front of the counter she was leaning against. "You need sleep," she told him softly. "And so do I. Where's your guest room?"

"Upstairs," he said, shaking his head and blinking quickly, as if he'd just realized that his eyes were doing something he didn't want them to do. "Follow me."

He led her to a bedroom and she sat on the bed, immediately noting how much softer it was than her own. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. Not that she'd have admitted that to Castle.

"Here's your room," he said. "Bathroom is right next door. Anything else I can get you?"

"No, I think I'm good…"

But Castle cut her off, realizing she was still in her clothes from work. "Oh, I'll get you something more comfortable to wear," he said.

She looked down at her clothes, just realizing this herself. "Oh, okay. Thanks."

"Nothing else?"

She shrugged. "Nothing else."

"I'll be right back, then." He returned in a matter of minutes with a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. "Might be a little big, but they should work," he told her as he handed her the clothes.

"Thanks. I'm gonna go change, then. Night, Castle."

"Night," he mumbled automatically, as though he heard but didn't quite process what she'd said.

She easily found the bathroom and changed into the clothes he'd given her, grateful that she'd finally have the opportunity to do the two things she'd been looking forward to doing since she left the Castle loft the first time: be alone and sleep. But even during the brief moment of alone time she had while she was getting dressed, she couldn't seem to keep Castle out of her thoughts.

She remembered what Martha had said about how his reasons for bringing her here might've gone beyond wanting to get back to Alexis as quickly as possible. She didn't doubt that his daughter had been at least part of his motivation, but she couldn't get the way his face had looked when they were in the kitchen out of her head. He knew Alexis was fine, but he was still so upset. She hated seeing him that way, and she hated that she hated it so much.

It would make everything so much easier if she didn't care, but the truth was that she did. As much as she used to tease him about being girly, back when they'd been on speaking terms before Alexis's injury, she'd always really thought of him as strong. Now it seemed that he was coming apart at the seams. She wished the image of his tear-filled eyes didn't seem to be burned onto the insides of her eyelids, but the fact was that it was. She cared. She cared about him, about whether he was okay. If he wasn't, she wanted to do whatever she could to help. This wasn't about how he'd hurt her in the past. It wasn't about whether or not she trusted him. It was bigger than that. What he'd said in the car was true. He was her friend, she was his, and that was all there was to it. If it was true that he'd brought her back here because he wanted her here, because she could help him in some way, even if it was only a small way, then she didn't have a problem with being here. In fact, if that was the case, she was glad to be here.

When she returned to the bedroom, she was surprised to find that Castle was still there, physically standing frozen in exactly the same place where she'd left him, but mentally obviously someplace very different. "You're still here?" she asked.

"Oh," he said with a start, as though she'd awakened him from some kind of trance. "I guess I should… go."

He started to leave, but she stopped him. Although it was against her better judgment, maybe this was her opportunity to help. "Castle," she said gently.

He immediately turned back around to face her. "Yeah?"

She sat on the bed and nodded for him to join her. "Sit down."

He did, next to her, but a respectful distance away. She was thankful for that, that he hadn't taken this opportunity to sit too close, to try to weasel his way back into her good graces. She recognized that little by little she was starting to let him back in, but for now, small steps were all that she was willing to take.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," she told him. "The accident. It wasn't your fault."

"If I hadn't bought that scooter…"

"You couldn't have known that this would happen. No one could've predicted it. Not today, not months ago when you bought it. She could've been walking to school and got hit just as easily."

"But she wasn't."

"No, she wasn't. I'm just saying, you never know what's going to happen, and you can't guard against every single scenario."

"I can try."

"You can try, but you can't drive yourself crazy over it. And when Alexis is better, I won't let you keep her trapped in the house all the time so you can protect her. You'll let her go back to the way things were before any of this happened."

"You won't let me?" he asked, still surprisingly serious. "So you'll still be speaking to me?"

She sighed. "This is an old subject. I already told you I was going to forgive you."

"But you haven't. You're trying, and thank you, but you haven't."

"I can't…" she started quietly, "It's not going to happen all at once, Castle."

"I know, and I wouldn't expect it to. But I really am sorry."

"I know you are. And I am trying."

"I'm glad. But when you say you're not going to let me keep her here all the time, that implies that you'll be talking to me regularly. Are you thinking of letting me go back to shadowing you?"

She swallowed. She was going to regret this, and she knew it. "Well, I really don't see what the point is in stopping you. You'll just show up at the precinct shadowing Esposito. Or maybe you're tired of him. Maybe you'll work with Ryan next. Or Lanie. I'd love to see the results of that…" She wasn't sure whether she was talking about the "results" that would occur if Castle tried to play medical examiner or Lanie's reaction if he tried. Probably both.

He smiled, and she was glad. He looked more like the Castle she knew, and as much as he bugged her, it was refreshing. "So, are you saying…?"

She interrupted him. "I'm saying that for my colleagues' sakes, the only really fair thing would be for me to let you shadow me again. When Alexis is better and you're ready to come back."

His smile broadened, that kid-in-a-candy-store look that she hadn't realized how much she'd missed covering his face. She smiled as well, but averted her eyes. The real reason she was granting him this permission had nothing to do with her colleagues. The real reason had everything to do with seeing that look again, restoring the man before her to the Castle she remembered. "Thank you. You won't regret this."

Her smile disappeared and she met his eyes again. "I'd better not."

* * *

_I don't really have much else to say about this chapter, so the A/Ns are uncharacteristically short. Reviews are awesome, and definitely help to keep me motivated, for the record. :) _


	16. Chapter 16

_So things are definitely starting to pick up again both as far as plot and my writing speed. So... yay! Be excited. Hehe. Anyway. I do have more to say about this chapter, but I think I want you to read it first so (1) you can form your own opinions and (2) I'm not giving anything away, so perhaps the long, rambling author's note will indeed return, but it'll be at the bottom of the page. :) For the moment, hope you enjoy the chapter!_

* * *

"_And the morning cuts you like a knife,"_

It took her a little while to get her bearings when she woke up the next morning. She immediately knew she wasn't at home. The bed was softer than it should've been, the clothes she was wearing weren't hers, there was a smell that was familiar and wasn't bad, but wasn't the same as the smell she usually woke up to… and then when she actually opened her eyes, everything came back to her. The night before, locking herself out of her apartment. Her conversation with Lanie. Castle coming to pick her up and insisting on driving her here. Talking to Martha. Talking to Castle.

She remembered telling him that he could go back to shadowing her, and she couldn't decide whether she regretted it or not. She remembered her motives and Castle's reaction, and she wasn't sorry about any of that. It had been exactly what he'd needed to hear, and it had made him feel better, if only for a moment. How many times had he done the same for her? What she thought she might regret were the ramifications of her invitation. One day, of his choosing, he would be showing up at the precinct again to follow her around, watch her every move, just like he used to. Was she ready for that? Or was she just setting herself up to be hurt again?

Whatever the case, she'd made her decision, and she couldn't take it back now. But she could get out of bed. She looked at her cell phone to see what time it was and cursed under her breath. How was it already after ten? She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept in this late. She guessed that it was some combination of how comfortable the bed was and how much the last few days had drained her, but what she knew for sure was that she had to get up now.

She changed back into the clothes she'd been wearing the night before, made the bed, folded the clothes Castle had given her and set them on top. Then she ventured downstairs to see what Castle family members she'd run into first.

As it happened, Martha was in the kitchen when she got there. "Well, Sleeping Beauty, look who finally decided to get up," she teased.

"I never sleep this late," Beckett insisted, blushing. "I just—"

"Oh, no reason to be embarrassed, darling, I was only kidding," Martha said, cutting her off. "You've had a long week, I'm sure. Let me find Richard, I'm sure he wants to see you before you leave."

She nodded as she made her way to the coffee pot, which, thankfully, was full, still hot, and smelled really good. She found a mug and was just finishing pouring when she heard Castle's voice behind her. "Good morning, Beckett. How'd you sleep?"

She took a rather large gulp of coffee before turning around to face him. It was hot, but he sounded oddly cheerful and she didn't know why, but whatever the reason she was positive she'd prefer to deal with it when she had a little caffeine in her system. "Fine," she said, turning around. His face looked about as chipper as his voice sounded. "You look happy."

He started to nod, but stopped with a grimace, rubbing his neck.

She raised an eyebrow. "For the most part. You okay?"

"Fine," he said, not nodding this time. "Just… recovering from a slightly awkward sleeping position last night."

She rolled her eyes. "Chair in Alexis's room?"

He smiled guiltily.

"I wish I was surprised."

"Anyway, I was thinking about what you said yesterday."

She was wary of this, simply because she'd said so many things yesterday, and had no idea which he was referring to. She focused on the most important. "That what happened wasn't your fault?"

"No, before that. The first time you were here. That I should get a nurse to come in and help with Alexis so my mom and I could do little things like, I don't know, sleep."

"Oh." She'd forgotten she'd suggested that, but it wasn't a bad idea. It wasn't necessary, but if it would get Castle to relax a little, she was all for it. "That's good, too. Are you going to do it?"

"I already did, and she's perfect. Alexis actually seems to like her, so that's a plus."

Beckett smiled. "That's great. I figured she'd hate the idea."

"So did I. And she did the idea, but she actually likes the nurse."

"Good, that's good." She took another sip of her coffee.

"So you're getting ready to go, I presume?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I need to grab my keys so I can actually get back to my apartment."

"I'll call you a cab. And don't worry about the fare, I've got it."

Grudgingly, she nodded. "You sure?"

"Of course. It's no problem."

A part of her wondered why he hadn't offered this last night, but she gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't ask. She wasn't really upset that he'd brought her here anymore. Besides the fact that he'd inadvertently hoodwinked her into telling him he could shadow her again, it had been for the best.

"Pop in and say 'bye to Alexis before you leave, okay?"

She frowned. "Does she even know I'm here? She was asleep when I got here last night."

"Yeah, she knew you were coming. And I told her you were still here earlier this morning."

She nodded. "Yeah, I'll stop in."

"Good. I see you found the coffee. Have you eaten anything yet? Let me make you breakfast."

"You know, I really need to be getting home."

"Okay. I'll call the cab."

She smiled. "Thanks. I'll go say 'bye to Alexis."

He nodded and she headed up the stairs to Alexis's room. She noted as she walked how well she was getting to know Castle's apartment. She now knew what was behind almost every door, including most of the cabinet doors in the kitchen. And then there was his family. Martha was completely accepting of her being there, and wasn't even remotely hesitant to talk to her or give her advice on any point. Alexis looked up to her and apparently actually liked it when she showed up, whether it was planned or not. They effortlessly welcomed her into their home and their lives, which should've made her uncomfortable considering her relationship with Castle was still far even from what it used to be, indefinable as that had been. Strangely though, it didn't. In fact, besides maybe work, she couldn't think of any other place where she felt such a sense of… what was it exactly? The word came to her like a flash of lightning, and she immediately knew it was the term her mind had been searching for. _Belonging._

She knocked once and pushed open Alexis's door, expecting to find a sixty-five year old homecare nurse in the room with the teenager, and briefly wondered how the presence of this new person would affect the feeling she'd only just acknowledged. Would she be as warm and welcoming as the rest of the Castle clan, or serious about her job and standoffish? She was surprised when she found that Alexis was alone in her room with only her cell phone, apparently texting one of her friends.

When she saw Beckett, she put the phone down and smiled. "Hey, Detective Beckett. I'm glad you're back. Although I'm sorry you got locked out of your apartment."

She smiled and sat down in the chair beside the bed that she assumed was where Castle had slept the night before. It wasn't uncomfortable, but she could understand how spending the entire night in it could have negative results. "Yeah, I didn't exactly plan to be back so soon. But it worked out okay. How are you feeling?"

She made a noncommittal motion with her head. "About the same. Headache's a little better, but everything else still hurts like hell."

Beckett nodded, but couldn't help smirking a little. She'd never heard Castle's "perfect daughter" say the word "hell" before. "I'm just about to head out, but I figured I'd come see how you were doing first."

She smiled. "I'm okay. Oh, I want you to meet Kim before you go, though. She'll be back in a sec. I think she actually gives me more space than Dad and Gram. You'll like her."

Beckett frowned. "Kim?"

"Yeah, the nurse my dad hired. Didn't he tell you? He said it was your idea."

"Oh, yeah, that's right." She hadn't forgotten, it just wasn't a name she would've expected. She hadn't met many sixty-five-year-old ladies named Kim. Maybe this woman was an exception. But she soon moved on to the other thing Alexis had said. "She gives you _more_ space? I'm surprised your dad hired her."

"Me too, but he really does seem to like her. Oh, if you could not mention the space thing to him…"

Kate laughed, cutting her off. "I won't, don't worry. And I already told him I wasn't going to let him keep you cooped up here once you're better."

Alexis beamed. "Really? Oh, thank God. I was afraid he was never going to let me out of the house again. Did you really tell him that?"

"I really did."

"What did he say?" But before Beckett could begin to formulate a response, Alexis was apparently distracted by someone at the door. "Oh good. Kim, this is Detective Beckett. Remember I told you about her?"

Beckett turned with a smile to the woman who had walked in, and was immediately dumbstruck. She was certainly no sixty-five-year-old lady, and if she hadn't heard Alexis say her name she wouldn't have even believed she was a nurse. She was in her early thirties at the very most, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and gorgeous. The reason Castle had hired her immediately became clear.

"Oh right, nice to meet you," the alleged nurse said, flashing a smile of unnaturally white teeth.

"Yeah… you too," she stuttered. "You know, I… I have to go. Now. Bye, Alexis."

The teenager looked a little confused, but murmured a "See you later."

She flashed the girl a parting smile that she desperately hoped looked less guilty than it felt. She was not at all sure that she would see Alexis later. But by the time she hit the stairs, all remnants of that guilt had hardened, and she felt only anger. She made straight for the door, but Castle saw her. "Kate! Hey, stop!" he called. "What's wrong?"

She didn't stop, but her instant of automatic hesitation when he said her name had bought him enough time that he was able to get between her and the door. "Out of my way, Castle," she warned.

"What happened?"

"Castle, _move._"

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

"What's going on is I'm going home," she said icily. "Kindly let me."

His brow was furrowed in a mixture of confusion and concern. "Did my mom say something to you? Or Alexis? I know she hasn't been in the best mood lately, but she's in a lot of pain and I never imagined she'd take it out on you…"

"No Castle, God, neither of _them_ said or did anything they shouldn't have. Now get your arm out of my way before I break it."

He moved his arm away, apparently as aware of the vulnerability of its position in front of the open doorway as she was. At least he'd learned one thing from hanging out with cops. But no sooner had he moved his arm than she was out the door and heading for the elevator.

"The cab's not here yet," he tried, calling down the hallway. She didn't even turn around. Just before she got on the elevator, she heard his voice, dejected, one last time. "What did I do?"

* * *

_You know, I think I like this chapter more the more I look at it. I was feeling kind of "eh" (and no, I'm not Canadian :) ) about it at first, but really... I think it's my best lately. Still not my best overall, but better than the last few. I like the mix of dialogue and internal stuff that ended up happening, and I like that the plot feels like it's moving again, even though it might seem like it's moving backwards a bit. You're just going to have to trust me there. I know where I'm going. And that's all I'll say about that. But I would love to hear what you think about the new turn of events. :) For the record... I've actually been planning it for awhile. I didn't just decide to toss it in there. I do that sometimes, especially when I'm getting bored, but that wasn't the case this time._

_Random sidenote: this is officially the halfway point of this story. You've read exactly half of it (at least, if all goes according to plan and I don't decide to divide things differently). So that's... I don't know. Just what it is, I guess. I don't know if it's good or bad... but it's where we are._

_One more thing I'm curious about. I know a few people who were reading this, at least when I started it, said they'd heard the song ("Daylight" by Better Than Ezra) before, and a couple people said they looked it up since they started reading this... in either case, basically if you've heard the actual song at all, I'm curious how you think I'm doing as far as translating lines to chapters. I feel like some of them I've had to stretch further than others, but does it seem fairly cohesive, or does the song just seem like kind of a random jumping off point that's not really all that closely related to the story itself? Actually, even if you haven't heard the song but have been reading the lines at the beginnings of the chapters, you can answer this. It really doesn't matter either way, I'm just curious about how you're viewing the relationship between the song and the story. I know how I see it, but I'm writing the thing, so obviously I know how I see them relating. I want to know what you think about it._

_Anyway, whether you decide to answer my random question or not (you don't have to, and just ignore me if you're indifferent or have no idea what I'm blabbering about), reviews are always greatly appreciated! Thanks so much, as always, for reading! :)_


	17. Chapter 17

_Disclaimer: I think it's redundant to write a new disclaimer at the start of every chapter, but as this now marks the beginning of the second half of the story (at least chapter-wise... word-count-wise I have no idea...), it seemed like an appropriate time to remind you that Castle is not mine, in case you forgot. None of the characters are mine, except for the ones I made up (which seem to be the ones that cause the most trouble...). But I don't own Castle, or even a castle, although I sometimes wish I lived in one. Okay, I wish that all the time. Happy?_

_A/N: I know this chapter's short, but it seemed to want to end where it did, and who am I to argue? The next one will be longer. More discussion at the end, because I actually have a lot I want to say about this one. _After_ you read it. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

"_And you're wearing thin, feel you're giving in,"_

"Wait here for a second, I'll be right back with your money," she told the cab driver when he pulled up in front of her building.

"Mr. Castle gave us all of his information. It's taken care of."

She rolled her eyes. "Wouldn't you rather have cash?"

The driver considered it, and although he didn't say anything she could tell from his face that he was going to accept her offer.

"If I'm not back in two minutes you can use his information. But I will be."

She wasn't in the frame of mind to accept anything from Castle right now, not even cab fare. From what she'd seen of that nurse, she could only come up with one reason that he would've hired her, and the worst part was that she wasn't even remotely surprised that she had. Frustrated, yes. Irritated, yes. Hurt… yes. But surprised? No. Not at all.

The fact was she knew Castle well, and she knew what he was like. She didn't expect, and really hadn't ever expected, for him to change. But for just a minute, in a moment of weakness, she'd been happy there, at his place, with him and his family. It had felt completely comfortable. Completely safe. Completely _right_.

But obviously it had been a moment of weakness, an error in judgment. She wasn't, and would never be, part of the Castle family. The fact was, as sweet and welcoming as they were, she didn't belong there. But there was somewhere she did belong. A family she _was_ a part of.

On a whim, when she got into her apartment and the drawer where she kept the extra cash she didn't like to carry, she grabbed a bit more than she needed. Rather than simply giving the driver the money, she got into the cab again. "Sorry, one more stop," she told him before giving him the address.

As the car started moving again, she felt her phone vibrate. She glanced at it, but wasn't surprised at the caller ID. Richard Castle. She turned off her phone, sure that he was going to keep calling until she answered. She wasn't really a part of his world, he wasn't really a part of hers, and the sooner they both accepted that, the better off they'd be.

* * *

She sighed as the building came into view from the window of the cab. She was uncomfortably aware of how long it had been since she'd been here. It was so familiar to her, yet so alien. Somewhere she'd always belong, but never would again.

As she rode the elevator up to the appropriate floor, it crossed her mind that she probably should've called first. She talked to her dad maybe once a week, and really didn't know what his schedule was like. Would he even be home? She certainly had her own life, and if he were to show up at her apartment unannounced, his chances of him actually finding her there probably wouldn't be very good. Shouldn't she expect the same? But no, really, she didn't. He was her dad after all, a man in his sixties. At noon on a Saturday, where did he have to be but home?

Sure enough, the door opened just a few seconds after she rang the bell. "Hey, Katie," her dad greeted her, a smile spreading across his face. "This is a nice surprise. I didn't know you were coming, did I?"

She shrugged. "Well, I didn't, so I doubt you did."

He hugged her. "You know I'm always glad to see you. Is everything okay?"

She realized how sad it was that she saw her dad so infrequently that the first thing he assumed when she came over was that something was wrong. She nodded. "Yeah, everything's fine. Just haven't seen you in awhile, and I wanted to come say hi."

His smile broadened. "Well, in that case, come inside. There's someone I want you to meet."

But rather than following his gesture into the apartment, she stayed where she was, frowning. "If you have company, I can go…"

"Come on, Katie. Don't be silly. I've been meaning to introduce you two for awhile now. Looks like I've finally got my opportunity. Come in."

She followed him inside, but with a little reluctance. Something about the whole situation felt weird. Off. Since when did her father have random guests on Saturday afternoons? Who could he possibly want to introduce to her?

When she got to the living room, there was a woman already there, sitting on the couch. She looked about the same age as her father, and was pretty in a natural, older woman sort of way. "Cindy, this is my daughter Kate," he introduced her. "And this is Cindy. She's a friend of mine."

She smiled, but was still confused. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to finally meet you too," the woman said with a warm smile. "Your dad has told me so much about you. Have a seat, please."

She sat down in the chair that was near the couch, wishing she could say the same, even if just to be polite. The fact was, she'd never heard of this woman. Instead, she just continued to smile awkwardly. "So uh, how do you two know each other?"

"Cindy is the new secretary at my office," Jim said, sitting down next to the woman. _Right_ next to her. She rested her hand on his knee.

It hit her all at once. They were far too comfortable with each other to be just friends. And the way her father was looking at this woman? The way he'd smiled when he introduced her? She hadn't seen him look at anyone this way since her mother was alive.

"I wouldn't say new," Cindy corrected him, smiling sweetly. Flirtatiously? "I've been there more than four months now."

"Four months," Jim cut in. "Has it been that long?"

"It has." She turned to Kate, still smiling. "Your dad helped me out a lot when I was getting started, and we just sort of clicked."

She knew she should say something, but she had no idea what. What were you supposed to say when you found out your widowed father had a new girlfriend? To be completely fair, neither of them had actually said that was what she was, but she knew her father, and it would've been out of character for him to introduce the woman as such, even if it was the case. At least, she'd thought she knew her father. She hadn't imagined he'd ever even consider dating again.

"So how's work going?" her father asked her. "You actually have a day off?"

She rolled her eyes. "I get days off. And it's going okay. It's been… complicated lately."

"Oh, that's right, you're a detective," Cindy put in. "How fascinating that must be."

She bit her lip. _Fascinating?_ She gave her father a look and he smiled a little apologetically, like he realized the woman had said something stupid but somehow found it endearing. "It has its moments," she said simply.

They chatted politely until she found an opportunity to excuse herself, claiming vague plans that didn't actually exist. She hailed another cab, running through what had just happened in her mind. Even in her own family, one place she'd thought she'd always belong, she was now a third wheel.

It seemed that there was only one place left where she actually belonged. She took the cab back to her silent, empty apartment. The one place she could truly call home.

* * *

_Yes. I realize I kind of took a hard left turn with this chapter. I feel like I keep throwing in all these twists and turns and drama to the point where it might be getting a bit unrealistic. I hope I'm wrong, and feel free to tell me either way (always!), but honestly, I feel like it might be. I do think that was probably the last major plot twist, at least for a little while. Like I said, this story is just a bit more than halfway through, so I guess there's still a lot that could happen. I'm really busy this week, so I don't know when the next update will happen, but busy-ness didn't seem to stop me from getting writing done today (I wrote pretty much straight through two classes... Apparently whatever the professors were talking about was less important. But, really? The day after Castle my World Lit professor decides to talk about Samuel BECKETT and expects me to pay attention to what she's saying? Hah. That's funny. I got the name and that was about it.), so who really knows? Anyway, reviews are awesome, as always. Hope you're still liking the story!_


	18. Chapter 18

_Longer chapter this time, so that's a good thing (I think!), and I'm getting it up on Castle Day! So that makes me happy. Anyway, enjoy!_

* * *

"_In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight."_

She sat on her couch for an indefinable amount of time, staring at nothing. She wasn't sure how she should feel. She wasn't sure how she _did_ feel. Angry? Happy? Betrayed? Proud? More than anything else, she felt alone.

She took her phone out of her pocket, wanting to correct this if only for a moment, and feeling like by talking to someone she might be able to get her thoughts in order. She'd forgotten she'd turned it off, let alone the reason she had. But she turned it back on and scrolled through the contacts until she found Lanie's number. She pressed send, calling her friend for the second time in two days. Almost unprecedented. But despite Lanie's insistences that she could call her any time, the M.E. always seemed to be busy. This time, she didn't even answer. Beckett didn't remember her friend's schedule, and wondered if she was working today. _Probably_.

Not a minute later, her phone vibrated. Maybe she wasn't working after all. Beckett answered it automatically, without even looking at it first. "Hey."

But the voice on the other end definitely wasn't Lanie's. That said, it was familiar, and wasn't entirely unwelcome. "Kate," Castle greeted her, talking very fast, apparently afraid she was going to hang up. _And with good reason_, she told herself. "Thank God you finally answered. Look, I'm sorry about what happened earlier, but I think you misunderstood. If you'll just let me explain—"

She interrupted him. Trying to keep up with the speed and insistence with which he was speaking was making her head hurt. "Castle, not now."

He immediately stopped, his tone changing. "What's wrong?"

She hated how well he knew her, how much he'd been able to hear in her voice from the little she'd said. "Nothing. I'm fine."

"You're not. What happened?"

The level of sincerity in his voice surprised her. He really did care, and for the first time since she picked up the phone she really thought about who was on the other end. Of everyone she knew, who could better understand her confusion? He'd grown up with a single parent. He _was_ a single parent. He could see both sides of the coin, and sometimes he actually gave surprisingly good advice. Whether she liked it or not, he could offer a perspective on the awkward situation she'd just experienced that Lanie couldn't. She remembered what Martha had told her the night before, about how Castle trusted her. She realized that when it really mattered, she trusted him too. Maybe not from a romantic perspective. Okay, _definitely_ not from a romantic perspective. But who was asking about that? Why would she even think about it? Did she trust him work? Absolutely. And as a friend? Ultimately, yes.

But even if she was willing to accept the fact that she needed someone to talk to and he was by far her best option, she wanted to talk only to him. It wasn't that her dad's relationship was a secret, clearly it wasn't, but the whole situation felt very personal, maybe more so to her than it did to her father. She wasn't sure how she felt about it yet, and she didn't especially want Castle's family or anyone at the precinct listening in on the conversation. The conversation that she was becoming increasingly sure had to happen.

"Are you busy?" she asked him. "I mean, you're taking care of Alexis, but she has _Kim_ now, right?" She heard the bitterness in her own voice when she said the name, although she hadn't intended it. She hoped Castle hadn't heard it, but knew the chances of that were slim.

"She can spare me for a little while. She'd probably be thrilled. Why?"

Beckett sighed, aware that this wouldn't be an easy thing to ask. "Would you mind… coming over here for a little while? I have… something I want to talk to you about."

"Yeah, absolutely. I'll leave now." His tone changed, became a little softer, a little calmer. "You're okay?"

"Yeah Castle, I'm okay." She couldn't help but be a little touched by his obvious concern. If nothing else could be said about Richard Castle, he was a good friend. "See you soon?"

"See you soon."

* * *

Although she knew it was him as soon as she heard the door, when she actually opened it and saw his face it was like a light in darkness. For all the problems he caused her, when Castle was around she never felt alone. Not that she'd ever tell him that. "Hey Castle," she greeted him instead. "Come in."

"Look," he chattered, stepping inside, "I know you weren't happy with me earlier, but if it was about that nurse let me just explain."

She sighed and sat down on her couch, taking up most of it so he didn't get any bright ideas about sitting next to her. He took the hint and sat down on another chair nearby. She knew he'd keep asking until she heard him out, and she was sort of curious about what he'd say. "Okay. Go."

"I called an agency. They sent someone over. I didn't interview her, I didn't talk to her, I didn't even know her name until she got to the loft. Honestly I was hoping for someone more experienced, but Alexis really seems to like her, and like you said, I thought she'd hate the idea, so it was a relief when she didn't. I've barely talked to her, except about Alexis. That's it." He paused for a long moment, watching her for a reaction. She tried not to give him one, and apparently she was fairly successful. He looked confused when he started speaking again. "Is that what you were so upset about?"

She shrugged. Honestly, his story made sense, and she'd definitely overreacted. But instead of trying to justify herself, which she wasn't sure how she'd do, she backpedaled. "I wasn't _upset_, it was just… time to leave."

He raised his eyebrows but then lowered them again, assuming a serious expression. "Detective Beckett, frankly I'm disappointed. You're usually a much better liar."

She rolled her eyes. Maybe backpedaling hadn't been the best strategy. She went for the next one she had available: changing the subject. "It's not why I asked you to come here."

That one worked. He nodded. "Okay. Why did you?"

Her problem now was that she had to tell him, and she wasn't at all sure that what she needed to talk about would be any more comfortable than the subject she'd just skirted around. "Remember how you said last night that we were friends and I should call you if I ever needed anything?"

"Of course."

"I realized you were right." This wasn't untrue, but it wasn't exactly cutting to the chase, either.

He was silent for a moment, waiting for her to say something else. She didn't. "So…" he finally began, "what do you need?"

She took a beat longer to formulate her response. "Someone to talk to."

He waited again, but she couldn't figure out where to start, so she simply didn't. Eventually he realized that she wasn't going to get started on her own, so he prompted her a little further. "I notice you're not doing a whole lot of talking." She blushed, and he smiled. "I'm here. What's up?"

He was right, she knew. If she was going to talk to him, she had to actually start talking at some point. Tired of trying to tiptoe into the subject, she jumped in. "I went to see my dad earlier. After I left your place."

He nodded, and then a realization crossed his face and his brow furrowed in concern. "Is he okay?"

She nodded. "He's fine. Great, actually. Happy." He looked confused, so she kept talking. "He has a new girlfriend."

Understanding crossed his face, and he smiled a little. "Ah."

"And I just figured… you're the person I know who has the most experience with this kind of thing. I mean, I know your mom dates, and you're a single dad, so you've been on both sides of the issue."

The corner of his lip twitched up. "So you called me."

"No, if you'll remember, you called _me_. I answered because I thought you were Lanie."

He frowned. "Do I _look _like Lanie?"

Now she smiled, because she doubted there were two people in the world whose appearances were less similar than Lanie's and Castle's. "It was a phone call. I couldn't see you."

"I called your cell phone. You didn't look at the caller ID?"

"No, I didn't. I'd just called Lanie and she didn't answer, so I figured she was calling me back."

"If you'd known it was me, would you have answered?"

"Probably not."

He smiled. "Then I'm glad you didn't."

She rolled her eyes, not in the mood for any sort of wordplay. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just tell me… how I'm supposed to feel. Should I be happy for him? He's my dad, I want him to be happy, but… I don't know."

"It doesn't really matter how you're _supposed_ to feel about it. How do you feel?"

"I don't know that either."

"Oh, I'd bet you do. I'd bet _I_ do."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, tell me, Castle. How do I feel?"

"Well, you're surprised. That's pretty clear. You'd never have invited me here if you weren't totally caught off guard by this. You want to be happy for him, but you aren't. Not really. You feel like he's betraying your mother's memory, even though you know that if she were here she'd want him to be happy."

He'd been doing well until he got to that last part, and she couldn't help but interject. "If she were here, he'd be with her."

"Okay, yes, but you know what I meant."

"I don't know if I do. I mean, that's part of it. What if she was still alive and he'd have met this woman? Would he have left my mom for her?"

"If you think about everything you know about your dad, is there anything that would lead you to believe he'd do that?"

She bit her bottom lip, thinking about that for a second. She shook her head. "No. But after she died, I never would've thought he'd even consider dating again. So maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did."

"Well, I can tell you that from everything _I_ know about him, which admittedly isn't very much, I certainly don't believe he would've left your mom for another woman." His eyes seemed to bore into her like they sometimes did, somehow becoming even bluer than they already were in the process. "I can't imagine anyone ever leaving a Beckett woman."

She looked away and forced herself to roll her eyes, although she felt her face get warm. Had he really just said that? Did he… mean it? Did she believe him? And why did it matter, really? She managed to escape the comment by once again reveling in the technicalities. "My mom wasn't actually a 'Beckett woman' until she got married."

"You're really going to focus on that? How would I know your mother's maiden name?"

"You've made it your business to find out everything about me. I'm honestly a little surprised that you don't."

He raised his eyebrows. "Well? Are you going to tell me?"

She smirked, enjoying Castle's persistent curiosity, which she knew from experience would soon turn into frustration. "Nope." She had to keep some things to herself from time to time, even if they were trivial.

He sighed. She gave herself a tally on her internal scoreboard. There was the frustration. "Fine. I'll figure it out myself. More fun that way, anyway."

"Perfect. Wouldn't want to ruin your fun."

"I appreciate that," he told her sarcastically. "Anyway, I see we've diverged from the point. What do you think of the woman? I'm assuming you've met her? And maybe does she have a name, so we can stop referring to her as 'the woman'?"

"Her name's Cindy. And she was there when I got to my dad's, which is probably the only reason I know she exists now. I guess that was my fault, I probably should've called first. But I wonder if he ever would've told me about her if I hadn't happened to visit while she was there."

"I'm sure he would've eventually, unless he thought the relationship wasn't going to last long. I know I try to keep Alexis out of my personal life unless I'm really serious about the person."

She shook her head. "I don't think that's it. They've already known each other more than four months."

He nodded. "Then maybe he just didn't want to tell you because he wasn't sure how you'd take it. As far as you know, this is the first woman he's been with since your mom. I'm sure he realized you'd feel weird about it. Maybe he didn't want to put you through that. This."

She closed her eyes for a second longer than a blink. "He had to know I'd find out eventually."

"Yes, and you did. What do you think of her?" he asked again. "Do you like her?"

"She seems nice, she's just not who I would've pictured him with."

"Would you have pictured him with anyone other than your mom?"

She sighed. "Well, no, but… she's just… I mean, she's nothing like my mom was at all. She's very outgoing but not very… intelligent."

He laughed. "Are you maybe being a little harder on her than you should be?"

"No," she answered automatically. Then she thought about it. "Well… maybe. No! She's a secretary, so she probably didn't go to college…"

"Or maybe she was a brain surgeon who got frustrated because she never had time for a family, so she retired and took a job as a secretary to meet charming, attractive single men such as your father."

She rolled her eyes. She should've known Castle would try to spin some absurd fiction. "This woman was no brain surgeon, trust me. Everything out of her mouth… She said my job sounded _fascinating._"

"It _is_ fascinating."

"Okay, you probably aren't the person to talk to about that particular complaint."

"I don't understand why it's a complaint. Face it, Beckett. You're a homicide detective. You have a cool job."

"First I get 'fascinating' and now 'cool'? You of all people know what my job entails. Death, paperwork, giving people devastating news day after day…"

"Solving mysteries, catching bad guys," he added. "Why focus on the negatives? I know you like your job."

"Some days more than others."

"Okay, so she's a secretary and she finds your job fascinating. She sounds like a horrible person."

"I never said she was a horrible person, I just said she's not the kind of person I'd picture my dad with. My mom was a brilliant lawyer."

"And her daughter is a brilliant detective."

"I wasn't fishing for a compliment, but thank you."

"No, you're never fishing, but I don't mind jumping out of the water and biting the hook if I see it there."

"I wasn't even in the boat."

"But you left your rod lying on the dock."

"How do you do that? You're always writing. Even when you're talking, you're writing."

"Tell me you're not always observing people, trying to figure out whether they're guilty of something. Like with this poor woman, Cindy. Our jobs aren't just jobs, they're who we are."

"It's not like I was interrogating her, just… I guess 'observing' isn't off base."

"See? Occasionally I do know what I'm talking about."

She sighed and tried to get back to the subject. "How do you feel about it when your mom dates?"

"It's different with my mom. I never knew my dad, nor really, I presume, did she. I've never really known her to _not_ date, not for very long. It's always been a part of my life, and I try to stay out of it. She's an adult. She makes her own decisions, and I can give her advice if she wants it, but in general I don't really like to think about her personal life."

"So you think I should just… mind my own business?"

He shook his head. "Just the opposite. I think you should talk to him about it, tell him everything you told me. It's the only way you're going to find out what he's thinking about all of this, and I think knowing that will make you feel better."

Maybe he was right. Maybe it would. But maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it would just make everything more complicated. "Let me… think about it for a couple days."

"Absolutely." He shrugged. "That's just my advice. You don't have to take it, you don't even have to tell me if you decide to or not. Just know that if you need to talk again, about this or anything else, I'm here." He smiled.

She nodded soberly. "I do."

"Is that it, then? You didn't want to talk about anything else?"

She thought about it for a second, and then shook her head. "No, I think that's it. Thanks. For listening."

"Always." His quiet smile faded, and his voice gained urgency. "Now, since I'm here, can I talk to _you_ about something?"

* * *

_Sorry. Little bit of a cliffhanger there. And I've been crazy busy lately, so I really don't want to make any promises about how fast I'll get the next chapter up besides that I'll do my best. I've made some progress on my outline lately, so that's good, and I'm excited about where it's going. I really like parts of this chapter. I love writing banter, and I finally got to do a little of that here, so that was fun. Anyway, as always, reviews are very much appreciated. Thanks for reading, and I hope you're still enjoying the story! (I'm guessing you were at least enjoying it at one point if you've made it this far.) :)_


	19. Chapter 19

_So, I'm very sorry. I left you on kind of a mini-cliffhanger for a ridiculously long time, and then the chapter you do get is really short. Actually, this chapter has been technically "finished" for quite a long time, but... suffice it to say we weren't exactly on speaking terms. But after about 20,000 edits and the addition of a bit more dialogue (though really, the whole chapter is primarily dialogue...), I got it to the point where I at least feel like I can post it and move on. Maybe I'll wait 'til the end of the chapter to explain the need for perfectionism so I don't give too much away. For now... I hope you like it. :)_

* * *

"_Pull me closer to your breast,"_

She hesitated. He'd given her this, hadn't he? He'd listened to her and provided feedback where she'd wanted it, and hadn't once made her want to kill him or even regret inviting him here. But to fully put the ball in his court by letting him lead the conversation? That was pushing things. Yet, she didn't see that she had much of an option. "Okay," she finally said warily. "What?"

"I'm sorry about everything that happened between us. All of it. First with Caroline… it was stupid, and I wish I hadn't done it."

She interrupted him. "Castle, we've been through this."

"I know, but I want to go through it again. I get why you thought what you did when you met Kim. Given my history, and recent events… I get it. And I know that after that last case we worked together, and Carly…"

She actually flinched when he said the name. Physically flinched. She wasn't sure why it bothered her so much when he called her that, but it did. The reaction was purely inadvertent. She couldn't have stopped it if she'd tried. And she was embarrassed when she realized he'd noticed it.

He paused, frowning. "Sorry." She wasn't sure if he knew what he was apologizing for, but she let him keep talking. "I know you haven't been happy with me since then. And I know you're still not. But after everything that happened with Alexis, and now you're letting me come back to the precinct to work with you again… I've been a total jackass, and you've still been such a good friend to me. I don't…" He took a long breath and started again. "I don't deserve that. The way you dropped everything and drove me to the hospital… I didn't deserve that. And then when you stayed there with us all day, and came to see us yesterday… I didn't deserve that. I _certainly_ don't deserve to go back to shadowing you, and I don't want to say this because I'm terrified you'll do it, but I feel like I kind of trapped you into saying I could, although I didn't intend that… and if you want to take that offer back, you can. You, Detective Katherine Beckett, are a much better person than I am. A much better person than I deserve to have in my life."

She stared at him blankly, waiting for a "but." Or something. Anything that would continue his speech, make it make sense. Anything that would reconcile what he'd just said with the person she'd known for more than two years now. It didn't come. She had never known him to be self deprecating before, not like this. Before the falling out, she'd often teased him about his ego. The Castle that sat before her now was obviously not that person.

He made no sign that he planned to say anything until she responded, and she knew she should say something. After all, he'd just complimented her, hadn't he? She needed to at least acknowledge that she'd noticed. But she couldn't come up with anything to say that made any sense at all. "I—um," she finally stumbled, "are you okay?"

He almost smiled. But not quite. "After you left, I talked to my mom and Alexis. They helped me see how much of an idiot I've been. Well, Alexis 'helped me see,' my mom just told me flat-out." Now he did smile, but it faded before he began speaking again. "Of everyone I know, and I know a lot of people, you are literally my best friend. Besides maybe Alexis. I know that might sound dumb or juvenile, but it's the truth. Our friendship is important to me, and I will do anything to get it back to what it was. What it should be. I'd love nothing more than to go back to shadowing you when Alexis is better, but I won't do it unless you want me to. If you only told me I could come back because you felt bad for me or thought you had to, that was kind, and thank you, but it's not what I want."

She took a second to consider what he'd said before she responded. _Best friend, huh?_ She turned the term in her head. _Best friend_. As he'd pointed out about the word "partner" the night before, it implied a mutual relationship. Although, really, did it? Realistically, she could be his best friend without him being hers… couldn't she? Honestly, the whole question did seem a little juvenile, like something she would've worried about in junior high. They were adults now. Were they still supposed to have "best friends"? And surely that wasn't quite the right term for her relationship with Castle. If she ever were asked to pick a best friend, the face that would've first popped into her head would have been Lanie's, and she had a very different relationship with Castle than she did with the medical examiner.

Eventually she managed to make herself move past the "best friend" declaration, which she had to admit was a little flattering even if it wasn't quite right, to his question about shadowing her. "Castle," she sighed, "whether I like it or not, you know me pretty well, right?"

He nodded solemnly. "I like to think so."

"Have you ever really known me to say things I didn't mean?"

"You can be sarcastic somet—"

She interrupted him. "I'm not talking about sarcasm."

He shook his head slowly.

"And have you ever known me to go back on my word?"

His eyes bore into hers again, and she had to force herself not to look away. "Never."

She nodded. "I told you that you could come back to the precinct when you were ready, and I meant it."

He nodded again. "Thank you."

She shrugged. "It's not a favor, it's just… back to normal."

"Thank you," he repeated. "What else can I do? To get everything… back to normal?"

She shook her head. "Nothing."

"Come on," he said, smiling a little. "This is your chance. You can ask me to do anything you want, and I'll do it. Take advantage."

She rolled her eyes. "Right now, all I want you to do is go home. Take care of Alexis, and try not to drive her too crazy."

"You sure?"

She nodded. "I'm sure. How's she doing, by the way?"

He shrugged. "About the same, I think. Maybe a little better. She's not exactly speaking to me right now."

Beckett frowned. "What? Why?"

He shifted awkwardly. "Long story."

She raised an eyebrow at him. He was being evasive. "Since when do you not exploit every opportunity to tell a story, no matter how long it is?"

"Since it isn't a story I want to tell. Actually, it's not long. It's quite short."

"What did you do?"

"I didn't exactly _do_ anything… at least not recently. My mom deduced more information than I gave her about what happened with Caroline, and for some reason decided to share it with Alexis. I make one crappy decision and all the women in my life cut me off. How is that fair?"

Puppy dog eyes aside, she couldn't find much sympathy for him. "Well, maybe it'll teach you to make better decisions. Though I doubt that's likely."

He shrugged. "Sometimes people can surprise you."

"Sometimes," she allowed, "but not often."

He smiled. "One exception is all I need. 'Sometimes' will do."

She tried not to dwell for even a second on what he meant by that. "Are you leaving or not?"

"I _was _leaving. You're the one that asked about Alexis."

"I was trying to be nice."

"Oh, silly me. I thought you were actually concerned."

"I am." She growled in frustration. "Bye, Castle."

"You're sure you don't want company?" he asked, concerned look back in his eyes. "You're all alone here."

She'd never understand how he managed to go from totally exasperating to totally sweet in the span of about a second. She shook her head. "No, I need some time alone. Think things through."

He nodded. "Okay. Call if you need anything."

"I will. And you too. If you need anything."

"I will." He paused for a second as he neared her door. "What about Kim?"

Beckett frowned. Why did she have the feeling he was about to make the leap back to exasperating? "What about her?"

"What do you want me to… do about her? We don't really need her, I can take care of Alexis myself, or I can hire someone else if you want…"

"No," she interrupted him. "She's helping you, Alexis likes her… don't change anything on my account." She suddenly found herself inordinately interested in her shoes. "I might've… overreacted. A little."

She looked up at him as a smile spread across his face. A real, broad smile that she didn't understand. "A little," he repeated. "You're sure it's okay?"

"Did I not just say that?"

"Yes, okay, point taken. I'll go, then. See you sometime soon?"

She nodded. "See you soon. And Castle?"

He turned back to her instantly, removing his hand from the doorknob it had already reached. "Yeah?"

"Thanks for coming."

"Any time."

* * *

_Okay, why this chapter drove me so completely insane. Remember the line that started it off? The one from the song that the whole story's based on? If not, scroll up for a second and look at it. Now do you understand? No? Yeah, that's because you're not inside my head. It's better that way, trust me. Annnd I'm rambling and haven't actually managed to get anywhere near my point. From the moment I decided I was going to write this story, before I even technically started writing it, I was excited to write this chapter. Because of that line. Now, because of where the story and the characters ended up at this point I had to go with a metaphorical interpretation of the line rather than a literal one, but... I'm still not sure I did it justice._

_Another random point that you might or might not be interested in knowing. This line is the beginning of the bridge, which in case you're not a music freak like me, is a section of a song usually close-ish to the end where the tone tends to change. So if this chapter seemed a bit different tone-wise from the rest of the story, that was somewhat intentional. If not... just ignore me. Note to self: think less, write more._

_As always, reviews are much appreciated! Thanks for reading, especially after I made you wait forever for an update. Sorry again!_


	20. Chapter 20

_Woo! Look how fast I got this chapter up, guys! I'm sorry, I just had Starbucks (caffeine, yay!), and I am rather impressed with myself for writing this so quickly. Did the amazing speed catch you by surprise? Because... it did for me. :) I mean, I've updated faster before, but not recently. And guess what else? You don't have to listen to (well, read...) my whining, because I actually like this chapter! _

_Just so you know, all of your reviews of the last chapter were amazing, and yeah, I do think they contributed to how fast I managed to write this one. Whether I replied to your individual review or not, thank you SO MUCH. Honestly, I was starting to get a little fed up with this story (although dammit, no matter how fed up I get, I WILL finish it), and it really really helps to know that people are still interested and enjoying reading it. I know a lot of people say this, but believe me when I say it makes writing so much more fun and rewarding... which makes me want to do it more. So, long story short... thank you! I have some more acknowledgements and ramblings, but as usual I'll save them for the end so I don't spoil anything. Enjoy!_

* * *

"_I need you, finally I confess,"_

After Castle left her apartment, she felt none of the things she'd expected to feel. She wasn't embarrassed about anything she'd told him. She wasn't angry about anything he'd said to her. She wasn't sorry she'd answered her phone when he called, and she wasn't sorry she'd asked him to come. She was still confused by the whole situation with her dad, but she felt a little better about it. Her apartment was once again empty, but she no longer felt alone.

The truth was that Castle had been able to provide a perspective that no one else could have. He was exactly the person she'd needed to talk to. Whether she liked it or not, and sometimes she wasn't sure, he was her friend. Whatever happened, whatever mistakes he'd made in the past, whatever mistakes he'd make in the future, she couldn't just cut him out of her life. He cared about her and she cared about him, and that couldn't just be ignored. No matter how much distance she tried to put between them, something would always happen to bring them back together. Maybe he'd drive past her trying to walk home in a downpour. Maybe something would happen to Alexis and he wouldn't be able to deal with it alone. Castle might say it was the forces of the universe working together to tell them something. She doubted she'd ever subscribe to that theory, but she could accept that for better or for worse, they were in each other's lives.

She sat back down on the couch, grateful that she could finally relax, grateful for the relative peace both around her and inside of her. But the silence of her solitude was soon broken by a growl from her stomach, reminding her that she hadn't eaten yet today. It was kind of an awkward time of day for a meal now, somewhere between lunch and dinner, but she decided she didn't care and called one of her favorite delivery places.

Even more at peace now than she'd been before, with the knowledge that food was on the way, she allowed the silence of her empty apartment to close in around her. Finally, she was completely alone with her thoughts. At least until her food arrived. And after the delivery person left, she'd be alone with her thoughts and delicious Chinese food.

When she'd told Castle she needed to think things over, she'd thought she'd been referring to her dad and his new girlfriend. And truly, saying that was no longer on her mind would've been a lie. She still wasn't sure how she felt about her father dating again, and she still hadn't decided whether she should take Castle's advice and talk to him about it or simply mind her own business. But right now she wasn't going to come to any conclusions. She'd gotten everything she could from Castle. Advice. Perspective. Now what she needed was objectivity. Distance. And the only thing that could give her that was time.

In fact, now that Castle had gone, she was having a hard time keeping her thoughts from focusing on him. She couldn't stop thinking about everything he'd said, and how quickly he'd come over when she'd asked. How genuinely concerned he'd been. How he'd listened to everything she had to say before starting in on his own agenda. How even his agenda had a kind of sweetness to it. All he really wanted was for her to forgive him, really, truly, and fully. And, honestly, she was getting there.

She still had a clear memory of the first time she'd heard of Richard Castle. It was a random memory, one that she didn't understand why she'd held on to for so long. Before she'd known Castle personally it hadn't seemed that significant, but still she remembered.

It was just a few days after her mother's death, and she was still completely numb. In search of solace, something to distract her from the black hole of depression that was her family's apartment and the cloud of uncertainty that seemed to follow wherever she went, she wandered into a bookstore.

It was her mother who had taught her to love reading. She'd always told her that anything she wanted to know, she could learn from books. She'd said that reading could take her places she'd never otherwise get to go, and she had a very clear idea of where she wanted to go now. _Anywhere but here._

Without thinking, she headed for the classic literature section, her mom's favorite. She half-expected to turn the corner and find her mother standing there in front of the Jane Austens with a new recommendation for her. But, of course, she wasn't.

Kate ran her fingers across several spines and decided without really even looking that everything in this section she'd either already read or wasn't interested in. The romances and affairs of people who'd never really been alive so many years before she was born seemed very shallow now, inconsequential. Why should she care?

But her mother had liked these books, and she always had too. She wasn't giving up yet. There had to be something here that Johanna had read that Kate hadn't, something she could read now to make her feel close to her mother again. To erase the distance between them, to help her escape the awful reality of her death.

She happened to glance off in a different direction for a moment, and the cover art of a book displayed in another section caught her eye. In direct opposition to the neutral colors and elegant designs of the books she was looking at, the cover was a dark, vibrant red, the title, which she could no longer remember, printed in bold white letters. Even from across the room, the printed image of the silver blade glinting in the light from some unseen source made her heart catch in her throat and brought tears to her eyes. _"Stabbed,"_ she could still hear the detective telling her and her father. _"Gang violence."_

But rather than repelling her, the cover seemed to draw her in. With very little awareness of what she was doing or why, she went to the book and began reading the blurb. She remembered it involved serial killers and the mafia, and she quickly put it down. Ridiculous. It didn't feel real.

Still, she didn't leave the section. _"Sometimes you have to look a little harder to find the gems,"_ she could remember her mother explaining. _"The best books aren't usually the ones they display."_ Although this wasn't exactly what her mom had been talking about, now seemed as good a time as any to take her advice.

What eventually caught her eye again was a title, so bizarre that she actually laughed. Actually laughed for the first time since she'd learned her mother wasn't coming home. _A Skull at Springtime_ by Richard Castle_. What _was _that?_ She picked up the book and found that the cover was dominated by a color even more vibrant than the red on the book that had initially drawn her to the section: a cold, almost sickly green. This time she skipped the blurb and simply opened the book and read the first paragraph. There was something about the writing that captivated her. She couldn't quite place it. All she knew was that she wanted to read more. She slid down to the floor, leaning against the bookshelves.

The next thing she knew, an irritated-looking store manager was standing above her, clearing his throat. She had no idea how much time had passed, but she was almost halfway through the book. "You want to read that, you buy it," the manager told her. "This isn't a library."

"Right," she said, standing up awkwardly. "Sorry. I'll buy it."

"Fabulous," the manager said with a roll of his eyes. "Cash register's that way."

She remembered thinking about how odd it was that she was buying the book she'd picked up purely because of the absurdity of its title, but buy it she did. And after that she bought others, any title she could find by Richard Castle, her new favorite author. Sure, some of the stories were absurd, but there was also a realism to them unlike anything else she'd ever read. They were well thought-out, well researched. Every character, hero and villain alike, felt real. Their thoughts, their motivations… everything made sense.

Suddenly, she realized why this memory had stuck in her mind for so many years. Although indirectly, it had forever altered the course of her life. It was one of Castle's books that first planted a thought in her mind: if the detectives on the case couldn't catch her mother's killer, maybe she could. Maybe she should become a cop.

At that time there'd been a void, a space in her life she'd thought nothing could fill. Not the void her mother had left. That one was different. That one never would be filled, and she didn't want it to be. There'd been another void, an open question. _What now?_ Through his books, Richard Castle had filled this void. First he'd given her distraction, exactly what she'd been looking for, and then he'd given her something she hadn't been looking for: hope. Direction.

She hadn't realized it until she'd tried to cut him out, but now that she knew Castle as more than an author, there was again a space in her life that only he could fill. When he hadn't been there she'd felt his absence, and now that she was allowing him back she felt better. Right. Whole. _"Back to normal," _she'd told him, but "back to normal" was an understatement. In fact, it wasn't at all true. With Castle around, things were less normal. Less normal, but more interesting. Life felt a little less monotonous, a little more colorful. Like the cover art in the mystery section that had caught her eye that day. She'd missed having color in her life.

She knew she'd never tell him this, but she needed Richard Castle. She had for some time now, even before they met. Now though, she needed him not for his writing, but for his friendship. His insights. His advice. His ability to fill the void that no one else could.

What she really wanted, though, was to know that he felt something similar. That he needed _her_ friendship. That there was some space in _his_ life that only _she _could fill. It sometimes seemed to her that his molds were one size fits all. When a woman left, he simply plugged another into the same slot. But then, maybe it was possible that he deserved a little more credit than she was accustomed to giving him. She didn't get the impression that he'd seen anyone else since Caroline. He'd even been willing to fire Kim, innocent as that relationship was, because he'd thought it was what she wanted.

But really, why should she care? She knew she shouldn't. It was selfish, and, frankly, stupid, of her not to want him to have relationships with women when she clearly wasn't looking for anything romantic from him. And yet…

She smiled when she heard the doorbell, cutting off her thoughts. Her food was here. She was starving.

* * *

_This was another line I really wanted to do justice to with my chapter. "I need you finally, I confess." I mean, really? Kind of important. But... I'm satisfied. It's funny, because writing dialogue always used to be my favorite, and the last chapter, which I kind of had issues with, was almost all dialogue. This whole chapter basically takes place in Kate's head. Internal monologue all the way. But for some reason I just like it better. I'm not even going to bother trying to figure out why. I will say that the flashback wasn't completely intentional. It just kind of... happened. I was writing while sitting on Tumblr for a little while last night (oh, and random shameless plug... if you have a Tumblr and want to follow me, I'm isayitslove13) and the one thing I ended up posting just completely sums it up: "Daylight took a hard left turn on me... again. Apparently now we're doing flashbacks. Whatever, story. Do what you want. I'll just quietly sit here and let you write yourself." Which is basically what happened. :) But I do like the flashback, and I think it does what I wanted pretty well._

_A couple acknowledgements, mostly concerning the flashback scene. I actually did a little bit of "research" for this chapter (if you could call it that...), and I want to credit for the list of Castle's earlier books and the cover art, which was actually very useful. The other one is more a shout-out than an acknowledgement. I realized after I'd written it that the scene where the manager yells at Beckett for reading instead of buying the book bears a certain resemblance to a story that a friend who I know for a fact will read this sooner or later told me about reading magazines in a gas station. :) *waves* I have no idea if that's where I got the idea for that scene or not (since like I said, I didn't remember it until after the scene was written...) but in case it was, thanks! :P_

_One last thing. In case you needed a gentle reminder, *pokes* I love reviews! Remember that. Just saying._


	21. Chapter 21

_So there was a bit more time between updates this time than last time, but with Easter and everything in there I think it was excusable. :) This chapter is short. This I know. But kind of like it the way it is, and I didn't want to overstretch it. Hopefully it'll be short, but sweet. Like... jelly beans. In the spirit of the season. (For the record, I'm not actually a huge fan of jelly beans... the only candy master I bow to is chocolate.)_

* * *

"_I'm drifting, I'm drifting."_

"You ready, Katie?"

She looked at her dad, met his eyes, and nodded once, although she felt the wings of what had to be at least a hundred butterflies flapping around inside of her.

He smiled. "You know, I didn't want to tell you this, but for awhile there I wasn't sure I'd ever see this day. I wasn't sure you'd ever want to open up to anyone enough to make this kind of a commitment. He's good for you. I'm glad you finally saw that."

Now she smiled. Regardless of nerves, she was unable to help herself. She was happy. Happier than she'd been in years. "I am too." She looked down at her dress, fumbling with the neckline. "I wish Mom could be here."

"She is here," her father assured her. "She's watching. And she's every bit as happy as I am."

"Do you think she would've liked him?"

"Of course she would've. He cares about our baby girl. What's not to like?"

She couldn't help rolling her eyes at the question. What wasn't to like? She could've made a list, and it wouldn't have been short. But still, in spite of that, she was here. She was doing this. "She would've liked him," Kate agreed. "I wish they could've met."

Her father nodded. "So do I."

She remembered the woman her father was dating, now seated somewhere in the church with the other guests. "Do you think you'll ever get married again?"

He almost blushed. "Kate, now isn't really the time for this."

But she wanted an answer. "Really, though. Do you?"

He shrugged. "A year ago, I would've said no, never. But now? I don't know. You never really know what life is going to hold."

The music began playing and he squeezed her hand. "That's our cue," he murmured.

She nodded and squeezed back. "Let's go."

She made her way down the aisle with her father, past what felt like every person she'd ever met and several people she was sure she never had. Until she reached the front of the church and saw the one face she'd always recognize. The one that would always be there for her. With this face in view, she knew she'd never be alone. She looked into his beaming blue eyes and he opened his mouth to say something. But what came out wasn't a word so much as a screech.

She slapped her alarm clock and sat bolt upright. Had she really just dreamed that? She wrestled with her thoughts a bit. Her memory of the dream was already beginning to fade. She hadn't been able to see the face clearly, had she? It could've been anyone, and what single woman didn't dream about getting married from time to time?

She'd been talking to her father. Surely that was the important part of the dream. She was thinking about Cindy, the woman she'd met the day before, and what she meant to him. She'd asked him whether he thought he'd ever remarry, and really, that was a lot of what she'd been thinking about the day before. It made sense that she'd dream about it. If she was thinking about it during the day, why wouldn't she continue to think about it at night?

Then when she asked him about it, he told her he didn't know because she didn't know, and she was the one who'd dreamt it. She'd always believed that dreams could only tell you what you already knew. Castle was right, she needed to talk to her dad. Figure out what he was thinking. Maybe he was serious about this woman, maybe she was just a friend. Whichever way it was, she needed to ask him in order to find out. Maybe it would be a little awkward, but it was clearly the only way she'd be able to keep from driving herself crazy.

Right now though, she had to get up. She had to get ready for work. She pulled herself out of bed and to her closet, but as she tried to decide what to wear, she found that she couldn't keep her thoughts from wandering off to the other element of the dream she'd just had, the one she'd been trying to ignore. She'd been at a wedding. Her wedding.

It wasn't her first dream of marriage, but it was her first in a very long time. The last she could remember was in high school. She'd dreamt that she was marrying Brent Edwards, and her friend Maddie had stood up during the ceremony and objected. But even then, her young mind had figured out that the dream probably had more to do with her friendship with Maddie than her relationship with Brent. Especially because she hadn't actually been in a relationship with him.

How was this any different? In her high school dream, which she couldn't to save her life figure out why she still remembered, the wedding had simply afforded opportunity for Maddie to get in the way of her relationship with Brent, something she'd also tried to do, somewhat successfully, in real life. In this dream, the wedding had afforded opportunity for her to discuss something with her father that had been bothering her. It wasn't any different, really. Who it was that she was marrying wasn't even relevant.

And besides, she didn't even remember any details about the groom. Other than the fact that he had blue eyes. There were plenty of men in the world with blue eyes, she was sure. It wasn't necessarily him.

But try as she might to tell herself that the man at the end of the aisle didn't matter, she couldn't keep herself from trying to figure it out. While she was in the shower, she remembered a few more details of the dream that she'd overlooked. They'd been discussing whether her mother would've liked the man she was about to marry. That seemed normal enough. Her dad had said that the guy cared about her. Again, normal enough. Apparently her mother had never met him. But honestly, it had been almost twelve years since her death. There weren't many people in her life now that had also been there when her mother was alive. That hardly narrowed it down.

But then she remembered something else. Her father had pointed out that she'd opened up to this man in a way he wasn't sure she ever would to anyone. She could think of only one person this could possibly describe. One man with shockingly blue eyes with whom she shared parts of her life she kept hidden from the rest of the world. One man who she might've been just a little too hard on lately.

_No_, she told herself. She couldn't prove that it was him. It could've been anyone. Anyway, since when was she the kind of person who dwelled on dreams? Dreams were simply thoughts that happened while she slept. Real life was everything that happened while she was awake. The time for dreams was over. Now it was time to get back to real life. To work.

* * *

_So... hopefully you saw the whole dream thing coming. No, they're not going to randomly get married in the middle of a story in which that makes no sense whatsoever. :)_

_Progress update. There are many factors contributing to how quickly I'll be able to get the next chapter up... Pro? I know exactly where I'm going with it... unlike this chapter. If I had, it would've been up a whole lot sooner, especially considering how short it is. Con... I'm pretty sure it'll be longish. Which apparently is actually a pro for most people... you guys seem to like long chapters... but it also means it'll take me longer to write. Another con: I have one week of classes left and then finals week. Which means this is probably going to end up being a paper-writing week. Which means how much Castle-writing I'm going to end up getting done is questionable. Pro, in two weeks I will have lots more time to dedicate to Castle-writing. Con from this story's perspective: I have an incredibly distracting idea for a oneshot that I might just have to write before To Love and Die in LA happens. If I do decide that's a necessity, it'll mean whatever time I do have to dedicate to Castle-writing will probably go into that story, at least until I finish it. So, in short... don't hold your breath for the next chapter any time too too soon. You might pass out, and I wouldn't want that. But I do promise I will try to keep working on it as much as I can, and sometimes I surprise myself. (Also... the slightly irresponsible student in me would like to point out that writing fanfiction is an incredibly effective procrastination method... so I might get more writing done than I think I will if I decide I really don't want to write a paper/study.)_

_Also, consider this your chapterly reminder that the friendly review button at the bottom of the page gets lonely if you don't click it from time to time. And lonely review buttons can cause major problems. It's a little known fact that neglected review buttons often lash out and do mean things like kick puppies.* And really, you don't want that on your conscience, do you? ...plus I tend to get paranoid when I don't get reviews. :P They do make me write faster also... and I wouldn't say that if it weren't true. :)_

_Oh, and in other completely unrelated news, happy birthday to the amazing Stana Katic!_

* * *

_*Writer can neither confirm nor deny whether she made this up for her own personal gain. She can also neither confirm nor deny whether review buttons have feet. She accepts no responsibility for any puppies that are kicked by angry review buttons as a result of this author's note. She loves puppies and will personally pet hers (who is two and not so much a puppy anymore, but she doesn't think anyone's bothered to tell him that...) at least once the next time she sees him for every review that she gets._


	22. Chapter 22

"_I love you but I hate you too,"_

When she got to the precinct that morning, she found Ryan and Esposito sitting on opposite sides of Ryan's desk spinning coins across the surface.

"You two look busy," she teased. "Must really be a tough case. What new information do you have for me?"

"Uh," Ryan started, staring at the nickel he'd just spun.

Esposito rolled his eyes and looked at Beckett. "We got the guy. He confessed. Case closed."

Her eyes narrowed. "And you didn't feel it was necessary to call me?"

Esposito shrugged. "No, we didn't. You haven't been around for most of this case, and when you were here you weren't a whole lot of help."

She tried to say something, or more probably yell something, but Esposito cut her off before she got the chance. "Look, it's fine, we get it. You've had a lot going on. But you didn't expect us to put the case on hold until you got back, did you?"

"No," she snapped, "I expected you to call me when you had a new lead."

"We're detectives too, we can solve one on our own now and then, can't we?"

"Not when it's my case!"

"Plus we figured you were with Castle," Ryan cut in. "How's Alexis doing, by the way?"

"A little better I think, the last time I talked to him. But I wasn't with him yesterday," _for most of the day,_ she added in her own mind. "It was my day off."

"Well, not ours," Esposito said. "Case is finished."

"You must at least have paperwork to do."

"Hi, what do you think we're avoiding?" Ryan asked, spinning another coin.

She sighed. "What am I supposed to do now? Just sit around and wait for another body to drop?"

"Guess so," Ryan affirmed.

Esposito flattened the last coin his partner spun with the palm of his hand. "Paper football?" he offered.

Beckett rolled her eyes and headed for the break room. "Coffee," she corrected him.

Automatically she got two cups from the rack, but after she filled the first one she stared at the second as if wondering where it came from. Why had she done that? It wasn't as if she'd been bringing anyone else coffee lately. Yet, she knew who she'd intended the cup for, and hoped it wouldn't be long before he was back, both because she wanted Alexis to be better and because the precinct didn't feel quite right without him anymore. She put the empty cup back and took the full one to her desk.

* * *

Her heart was beating a little faster than it should've been when she sat in her apartment again later, cell phone poised in her hand. She held her breath as she dialed the number, trying to compose herself. After all, there was nothing about talking to her dad that should've made her nervous.

She knew this was something she had to do, so she pushed the send button quickly before she could change her mind. "Hi Dad," she said after he picked up. "It's Kate."

"Katie, wow, this is a rare treat. I get to talk to you twice in two days?"

"Oh, come on," she said, feeling guilty at his surprise, "it's not that rare."

"It's pretty rare. Was there a reason you called?"

This made her feel even guiltier. "Do I have to have a reason?"

"No. But you do."

She sighed. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"What is it?"

She fiddled with the sleeve of her shirt. "That woman I met yesterday. Cindy."

She could hear the smile in her dad's voice. "What about her?"

"Is she—er, are you…" she struggled to figure out how to word her question. She sighed. "How do you feel about her?"

"Well, I like her… She's very nice."

She rolled her eyes. "Are you together?"  
Now he sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are."

"Were you going to tell me?"

"Would you have wanted me to?"

She took a second to think about the question. "I don't know."

"I don't either."

"Is it… serious?"

"I don't know, no, not really. We're just… we're two single, lonely adults, and when we're together we're neither single nor lonely. It's a… mutual companionship thing. She's divorced, I'm a widower… it's just… something."

"Do you love her?"

"I loved your mother."

"I know. That's not what I asked."

"I don't know. Maybe."

"I um…" She took a breath. "I want you to be happy."

There was a beat of silence on the other line. "Katie?" her father finally said, breaking it.

"Yeah?"

"That means a lot."

She smiled. Every time she spoke to her father, it seemed like their relationship got more restrained, more formal. It wasn't something she liked, but it was something she'd begun to accept as the way things were. Now though, she felt the gap between them close a little. "I hoped it would."

"I am happy," he confided, and she could hear the smile on his voice again. "I'm happier than I've been in years."

"I'm glad."

"But you know what would make me even happier?"

She shook her head, although through the phone he obviously couldn't see. "What?'

"To see you happy."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm happy."

"No, I mean _really_ happy. When you were here yesterday, that wasn't happy."

"I was just… distracted. I'd just met Cindy and I was trying to figure out who she was and what was going on."

"I'll buy 'distracted,' but you were distracted even before I introduced you to Cindy. I know you, Kate. I've known you your whole life. Sometimes I think you forget that. Why did you come over yesterday, anyway?"

"I wanted to see you," she told him. It wasn't untrue.

"No specific reason?"

She remembered the way she'd felt after leaving Castle's. The need to be somewhere where she could feel she truly belonged. "You're my only family. I don't see you enough. That's all."

"It didn't have anything to do with that writer that works with you? I read about his daughter in the paper. She was in some kind of accident?"

She felt her stomach turn as repulsion and some odd form of protectiveness she shouldn't have been feeling washed over her. "They put that in the paper?"

"I don't usually read that section, but Cindy read that Cosmo story from awhile ago and knew that you worked together, so when she saw this article she showed it to me. Is everything okay there?"

"She's gonna be fine, but the past couple days have been a little rough."

"You really care about him." He didn't phrase it as a question.

She felt herself blush. "I don't know. He's a friend."

"I think it's more than that. Maybe I'm wrong. What I know is that people you care about… they're what make life worth living. I have you, and now I have Cindy. I want you to have at least as much as I have. Hell, I want you to have more than I have. If there's anything I've learned in my life that I want you to know, it's that love isn't something to be taken for granted." He paused and she froze, unsure what she was supposed to say. She'd thought the days of her father trying to teach her life lessons had long passed. She didn't know how she was supposed to react to it anymore. Thankfully, he spoke again before she had to. "Okay, I'm stepping off the soapbox now. Don't forget that, though."

She bit her lip. "I won't."

"So how is everything? How's work?"

"Everything's fine. Work's work. Today was fairly uneventful."

"Uneventful is exactly what I like to hear. Eventful days make me nervous."

She rolled her eyes. "Dad, I can take care of myself."

"I know you can, but the idea that on any given day people could be shooting at my daughter isn't something I'm ever going to get used to."

She chuckled. "I guess I can accept that. But there hasn't been any shooting lately. Look, I, um… I have another call to make. But I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Talk to you soon," he repeated. "Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Love you too, Dad."

* * *

"Can I arrest someone for you?" she snapped into the phone, irritation growing by the second.

The note in his voice was pure confusion. "Beckett?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, of course it's Beckett. Who else would be calling you from my cell phone?"

"Sorry, it's just that you're usually threatening to arrest me, not offering to arrest other people _for_ me. What are you talking about?"

"The article in the paper. About Alexis. Did you see it? I just heard about it."

"I saw it. These things happen."

She was still fuming. "I'll bet it was that desk worker in the ER. If I ever see her again—" She cut herself off. "How are you so calm?"

"The whole page six thing? I don't love it, but I'm used to it."

"How can you ever get used to that? Having your whole personal life printed in the papers?" She shuddered.

"The same way you get used to anything. You just do. Why are you so upset?"

"I'm not upset, I'm angry. Very different."

"Okay, same question. Why are you so angry?"

"Because it's your life, and Alexis's, and the whole city doesn't need to be able to read about it."

"Comes with the bestselling author territory. Always has. If by some chance you do happen to see that secretary again, try to refrain from killing her, would you? That would be a really unnecessary way to lose your job, and we don't know that it was her."

She sighed. "Fine. Is there anything else I can do?"

"No, I don't think so. Is that the only reason you called?"

She shrugged. She wasn't actually sure why she called, now that she actually thought of it. Nor did she completely understand why she was so irritated by the article that she hadn't even seen. "I guess. How's Alexis?"

"A little better."

"So she's speaking to you now?"

"Yes, but she is still mad at me. And I'm sure that article doesn't make her hate me any less."

"She doesn't hate you."

"Well, she certainly doesn't like me."

"That'll pass."

"Yeah, you're probably right. What about you? Anything new?"

She shrugged. "Called my dad."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, we talked about everything, and it was good. I know he's not trying to replace my mom, and he knows I want him to be happy."

She could hear the smile in his voice. "That's great."

"Thanks. For your advice. It, um… it helped."

"Glad to be of service."

"Okay, well, that's all I wanted, so I'm gonna go…"

"Oh, yeah, by all means. Enjoy the rest of your evening, and I'll see you… when I see you."

She nodded stiffly, though invisibly to Castle. "Yeah. See you then." She hung up the phone and frowned at it, as if the world's most awkward conversation ending was somehow her cell phone's fault. Her mind was racing from a combination of the dream she'd had the night before, her conversation with her father, her conversation with Castle, and a million other little details from the past few days that all seemed to be falling into place around her. One unifying thought crossed her mind, the ribbon that tied all of these thoughts, ideas, memories, and desires together and made them fit into a pretty little package. Made everything make sense.

_I think I love that man_.

* * *

_At long last, a new chapter! Sorry it took me so long... long story short, the end of my semester basically sucked. BUT it's over now, and provided my family doesn't simultaneously occupy all of my time and drive me completely insane (they're trying... trying quite hard at the moment...), I should have a whole lot more time for writing. :) Ugh, case in point, I started to post this at 3:00 and it's now almost 7:00. Here I go again with the author's note, hopefully I finish it this time._

_For the most part I want this chapter to speak for itself, so I'm not going to ramble on for too long. I will say, though, that this line was pretty much the reason I decided to use this song as a basis for a story. It's just so Casketty, it pleases me. :)_

_I neither love nor hate this chapter (see what I did there?). It is what it is. And I think it does pretty well speak for itself, so I'll stop rambling now. Let me know what you thought! :)_

_My plan is to post something tomorrow (a new story, not this one... but I will try to get the next chapter of this up before too horribly long. I did start it!), but in case that doesn't happen, or in case you don't read that one, happy Castle day tomorrow! Only two more episodes in season three, guys. *gasp* Then we have to rely on fanfiction to get us through the summer. We can make it, though. I'm confident. Well, um... sort of confident. Not that it'll be easy. :P_

_One more shameless plea for reviews! *pleads and attempts a cute pouty face, which most likely fails* Annnd that's all 'til the next chapter. :)_


	23. Chapter 23

"_God only knows what I could do_,"

What she was feeling now wasn't new. She'd felt it before, more than a few times. Every time Castle did something sweet, or she saw him for the first time after she hadn't for awhile, the same feeling was there. Even on that day when she was trying to walk home from work, soaked and freezing. When she got into his car, so filled with anger and loathing, so determined to remain outwardly cold, still she felt it. A kind of warmth deep within her that, try as she might to ignore it, she couldn't actually shake. When she looked at his face, he was Castle, and the feeling was there.

The difference now was that, for as long as she'd felt it, she'd never put a name to it. Hell, she'd never even acknowledged it. She'd tried to ignore it, push it aside, pretend it didn't exist. But it did. It always had. As much as he drove her crazy, as much as she didn't always trust him, as much as she actually felt like she hated him at times, she did love him. She really did.

So, she loved him. She cared about him and she cared about his family. She valued his opinion and listened to his advice. She didn't mind sharing bits of her life with him that she'd be reluctant to share with anyone else. And then there was that warmth… it was such a good feeling, and one that seemed to result only from interaction with Castle.

Still, what did that change? Nothing, really. If anything, realizing how strong her feelings for him were made her even more determined to hold him at arm's length. She knew he cared about her. She did. But how could she be sure that his feelings for her were the same as what she felt about him? If she really put herself out there, really laid everything out on the line, and what she got back wasn't what she expected… she wasn't sure she could handle that. She knew she didn't want to have to handle it.

And then there was the issue that she doubted would ever go away. Castle had an attention span approximately equivalent to that of a gnat on speed. Even if their feelings for one another were completely mutual, how could she ever trust him? In the time she'd known him, she'd seen him fall in lust with numerous women, flirt with more than she could count, sleep with some, and attempt relationships with a few, all of which had ended after a couple of months at the most. Why should she be any different?

Things between her and Castle were just beginning to get back to normal again, and she really didn't want to lose all the ground they'd finally managed to make up. He was a good friend and she didn't want to lose him, and that was exactly what would happen if their relationship changed direction too abruptly. It could happen if it changed direction at all. The safest thing was not to act on it, to keep everything exactly the way it was. No one would get hurt that way.

* * *

"Hey girl, over here."

Beckett spotted Lanie at a table not far from the bar where they'd agreed to meet after work the next day and sat down across from her. "Hey. Look who actually showed." She grinned to show her friend she was kidding, but Lanie's face registered nothing but guilt.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you back sweetie, I told you, I lost my phone."

Beckett shook her head. "I know, Lanie. It's fine. We're good."

"You never did tell me why you called. Is everything okay? Was there something you wanted to tell me?"

"Everything's fine now. Can I get a drink, or did we just come here because we couldn't think of anywhere else to go?"

Lanie raised an eyebrow. "Must've been some day for you." She signaled the bartender. "What happened?"

"Nothing today, today was fine. This whole week has just been a little more interesting than I like."

"Are you gonna tell me, or are you gonna make me guess?"

She shrugged. "Well, I went to see my dad the other day. He has a new girlfriend." She tried to say it offhand, but she still couldn't quite get used to the idea.

Lanie immediately understood. "Aw, honey. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's a little weird, but we talked about it, and, you know, I want him to be happy." Lanie's odd little half-smile didn't compute. "What?"

"What are you thinkin' about?"

Beckett cocked her head to the side, confused. "What do you mean?"

"You're blushing, you're smiling… no way in hell you're thinkin' about your father."

She hadn't noticed her face warming, but she noticed it when it got even hotter. When she recounted talking to her dad, she remembered whose advice it had been to call him, although she hadn't felt it necessary to tell Lanie that part. But apparently her body didn't respond well to keeping things from Lanie. "Nothing, it's not important."

But as usual, Lanie saw through her façade. "How are things going with writer boy?"

"Fine. Mostly back to normal."

"Oh, come on Beckett. You think I don't know your Castle face by now? You were just thinking about him, weren't you? What happened? I'm dying here."

"Nothing happened," she insisted. "I didn't even talk to him today."

"Yesterday?"

"Oh, I don't remember," she lied. "I might've talked to him."

"You do too. How's Alexis doing?"

"Better, I think. I haven't actually seen her."

"Aha, so you _have_ talked to him."

"Yeah, of course I've talked to him. I said things were getting back to normal, didn't I? We used to talk before everything happened."

"You used to talk about work," Lanie corrected. "I assume he's not back to shadowing you yet, which means you were talking about something else. Now, I want every sordid detail, you hear me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Lanie, there are no sordid details. Nothing happened."

"But you did talk."

"I already told you that."

"And not about work."

"No, not about work."

"Well, then what about?"

A waitress slid two martini glasses onto the table, and Beckett shot her a grateful smile and took a sip before answering her friend. "I don't know, Alexis, my dad, whatever."

"Wait, hold up. You told him about that?"

"My dad? Yeah, I'd just gotten home when he called, and he caught me a little off guard."

"Off guard? In all the time that we've been friends, _never_ have I seen you off guard."

"Oh come on, that's not true."

"It's completely true. If you told Castle about your dad, my bet is you thought about it first."

Slowly, she nodded. Lanie was right, she had thought about it. "I trust him," she said in a small voice. "I mean, I shouldn't, right? Look at everything he's done, look at the whole fiasco with Caroline. But against my better judgment… I do."

"Castle's a good guy, Kate. He makes mistakes, we all do. But he cares about you, he cares about you a lot. And that's all you really need."

"Do you think…?" she started, but stopped herself, not even entirely sure where she'd been headed.

"Do I think what?"

She shook her head and started again. "I… I care about him, too."

"I know you do, sweetie."

"But I mean…" she cut herself off again, thinking about the realization that had hit her, almost literally hit her, the night before. Then she remembered all of her reasons for denying it, and for continuing to ignore it. "When you and Esposito first got… together. You know."

Lanie smiled. "I do."

"Were you ever afraid that, if things didn't work out, it would mess up your friendship?"

"I mean, maybe a little, but Javi and I weren't really great friends beforehand. We work together, sure, and if we do break up that might be a little awkward, but I wasn't gonna let that stop me. You can't not start a relationship just because you're afraid it might end. That's like… bein' afraid to get up in the morning because you know you're just gonna have to go back to bed at the end of the day."

Beckett considered this, chewing on her lip. "But what if… what if what he wants and what I want aren't the same? Or what if they are, but then in a couple months he meets some gorgeous actress or model, or, God, murder suspect…"

"Sometimes you have to weigh the benefits against the risks," the M.E. interrupted sagely. "And sometimes if you want to be happy, you have to take a risk or two."

* * *

_A/N: Hello again. Perhaps I'll try to limit my ramblings to only at the ends of these chapters... that seems to be working for now. Anyway. I know this chapter was a little on the short and uneventful side, but it had to happen. Have I mentioned how much I love writing Lanie? Because I do. This chapter was fun. :) And since she was completely not there at all in "Pretty Dead," I figured she was probably feeling a bit neglected. I've even been neglecting her in this story lately. So this was her chapter to shine, so to speak. As for future updates... I have some outlining to do before I can write the next chapter (read: I have no idea what's going to happen yet...), but hopefully it won't take too terribly long. Anyone notice how much updating I've been doing lately? Aah, I looove summer. :) And to solidify my point about how awesome this season is, I'm currently typing this author's note from my back deck. Outside! And it's not raining! I... I forgot this could happen! Um, how did I get there? Goodness, I'm incredibly easily distracted, aren't I? But I knew that. I'd better wrap this up. I love reviews, so feel free to make me happy! :) Thanks so much for reading, and if you review, you're my new favorite person ever. ALL of you. :) Yes, I can have lots of favorite persons ever. Don't worry about it. :P_


	24. Chapter 24

_I'm drifting, I'm drifting._

For the second time this week, she found herself standing in front of his apartment door, unexpected, with no idea who was going to answer.

This time, she wasn't even sure why she was here. The last time she'd come to see how Alexis was doing and whether there was anything she could do to help. This time she was fairly confident that the Castles had everything under control. Yet instead of going home after work she'd gone in a completely different direction, and here she stood.

It took so long for the door to be answered that she almost rang the bell a second time, but when the door swung open she realized why. To her surprise, it was Alexis who was on the other side, on crutches. "Detective Beckett," she greeted her, smiling. "Hey. Come in."

She stepped inside. "You look a lot better than the last time I saw you. How are you feeling?"

"Still sore, but getting better." She hobbled to the couch and Kate followed tentatively, trying to figure out what she should do.

"That's good. So why are you answering the door? Wouldn't it be easier for your dad or your grandma?"

"My friend is coming over soon, so I wanted to answer it," she said with a shrug.

Kate nodded. "Ashley?"

"No, Paige." Alexis sat down, taking up most of the couch with her leg, still in a cast. "Have a seat," she offered.

Beckett chose a nearby chair. "Paige… she's the one who was with you that day, right?" She was referring to the day of Alexis's accident, but Alexis knew that, and she was sure that she was tired of hearing the word.

She nodded. "And a couple of other friends, but Paige came to the hospital with me, or so I've heard. Did you meet her?"

"No, she was gone before we got there. Just… recognized the name. So, what exactly happened that day, anyway? At the hospital they told me you ran a red light, but that didn't sound much like you. At least, not from what your dad's told me."

She rolled her eyes. "It was yellow. My friends had all gone through already, and I thought I could make it. Guess I didn't."

Kate nodded. "That makes more sense." She'd been wondering about that. The whole story hadn't really added up for her, and it had always bothered her when details didn't fit.

"So… my dad talks about me to you?"

She almost laughed, surprised Alexis didn't know this. "Your dad talks about you to everyone. Even people he barely knows. Every time something comes up that even slightly reminds him of you, which is often, it's 'Alexis this' and 'Alexis that.' He's really proud of you. You're his whole world."

She half-smiled, but with a little hesitancy. Kate remembered how Castle had said she was still mad at him the last time they'd talked, and she wondered if this was still the case. "Not… his _whole_ world."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just… I thought you were the only one he talked about constantly like that."

She frowned. "Me?"

Alexis nodded. "He's always telling Gram and I stories about you. I know I don't know you that well, but I kind of feel like I do from all that he's told me."

She smiled. "Where is your dad, anyway?"

"He had to go grocery shopping, but he should be back soon."

"Grocery shopping?" The image of Castle in a grocery store greatly amused her. From the way he acted, she pictured his whole life being one of glamour. It wasn't that he was stuck up, not at all, but he did tend to flaunt his money, and he was the famous Richard idea of him buying groceries, such a trivial, everyday chore, tickled her.

Alexis shrugged. "Yeah. What?"

"No, nothing, I just… can't picture it. You're not here by yourself, are you? Where's everyone else?"

"Gram's here somewhere. I think she's upstairs."

"What about that nurse… what was her name, Kim?" Truthfully, she remembered the name immediately, but she didn't need for Alexis to know that.

"Oh, Dad didn't tell you? That's weird, I know you guys have been talking. He fired her, like the day after he hired her. We really didn't need her, I guess he realized he was overreacting by hiring her in the first place, and he's actually been a lot less _psychotic_ since then. Actually giving me space."

Beckett smiled. She'd told him not to let Kim go on her account, but she was happy he had, whatever the reason. "I'm glad. You're not still mad at him, are you?"

Alexis blushed. "He told you about that?"

Kate nodded. "He was pretty upset."

"Well, good. He should be. He's so stupid sometimes. I mean, he usually tries to keep me out of his personal life, and I'm _glad_, part of me wishes Gram hadn't told me in the first place, but now that I know… how could he have thought, even for a second, that what he did to you was okay?"

"Well, technically he didn't really do anything _to_ me."

The teenager let out a puff of air and rolled her eyes. "Technically."

Beckett half-smiled. "What does that mean?"

"It means that's crap." Alexis's face was getting redder by the second with embarrassment, but she kept talking with a specific brand of persistence that could only have been inherited from her father. "He's been in love with you forever. Even if you didn't feel the same way, even if he thought you were with someone else… To be in love with one person and go off and do… things that I _really_ don't want to think about… with another? It's not okay. There's no way that can _ever_ be okay."

Now it was Kate's turn to blush. _In love with._ Alexis had said _in love with_. She hadn't said, "he's known you forever," or even "he's loved you forever." Those were different. She'd said, "he's been in love with you forever." _In love with you_. _In love._

"Alexis…" she began, although she had no idea what she was going to say. She was relieved when she was quite literally saved by the bell. The doorbell, to be exact.

"That's probably Paige," Alexis said as she struggled to get up on her crutches.

Beckett stood up as well. "Sit, Alexis, I'll get it."

But Alexis was already up by that point. "No, I want to get it. I don't want her to feel like this is her fault, I want her to see that I'm okay."

She nodded. "Um, okay… I'll go. You're gonna be with your friend. Just tell your dad I stopped, okay?"

"No, stay. He should be back soon, really. You can hang out with us, or wait in his study if you'd be more comfortable, or, ooh, even better." As she passed the stairs, she paused and called, "Gram? Come here!"

"Alexis, no, I don't want to bother you guys."

She waved Beckett off before limping the rest of the way to the door. "Forget it. She'd be mad at me if she found out you were here and she didn't know about it."

Alexis greeted her friend at the door as Martha emerged on the stairs. "What is it, darling?" she asked, but then she saw Beckett. "Kate! When did you get here?"

"Just a few minutes ago. Figured I'd stop and say hi, see how everyone was doing." She still wasn't sure exactly why she'd come here, but this seemed as good an explanation as any.

"Well, we're all fine. Richard's out, but he should be back soon."

She nodded. "Yeah, Alexis told me."

"Come," she said, leading Kate to the kitchen so that Alexis and Paige could have the living room. "Sit. How are you?"

"I'm fine, I'm good."

"So you're here, I take it you and Richard have reconciled?"

She remembered the way she'd stormed out the last time she was here, and blushed. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it."

"Look, Martha, I'm sorry about the other day. I shouldn't have left the way I did. It was rude and… immature."

"Darling, I live with a seventeen-year-old girl and a grown man who's been known to act like he's anywhere from seven to fifteen, depending on the day. I consider nothing you did immature. As long as you two are on good terms, I have nothing to say."

Kate looked down at the counter in front of the place where she was sitting. "I'm not sure Alexis agrees."

"She's upset with her father, not with you. They'll work through it. They always do."

She frowned. Martha's assurance that Alexis wasn't upset with her didn't help, she'd known that already. What she didn't like was the tension between the girl and her father. "They don't fight a lot, do they?"

"Much less than most fathers and daughters, I imagine, but they do have their disagreements. This one might be bigger than most, but I'm sure it will end in time."

"I just don't want them to be fighting because of me."

Martha met Kate's eyes, and she learned that apparently Castle's ability to look straight into her with a single glance was hereditary. She was both comforted and unnerved, much like she always was with Castle, and yet somehow different. "Sweetheart, this isn't just about you. It's much bigger than that. It's about Alexis seeing a side of her father that she never had before. And she isn't wrong. What he did was inexcusable. What she has to learn is that sometimes, when we love a person, we have to excuse them anyway. Our mistakes, as well as our triumphs, are what make us who we are, and when you truly care for someone, you embrace all of it."

* * *

_A/N: So, fairly short chapter, but at least it's a chapter. :) Oddly, originally I intended for it to be mostly Beckett/Martha, with a short Beckett/Alexis scene at the beginning, but apparently Alexis had more to say than Martha. Whatever, I'll let the characters do what they want. :) Goodness, lots and lots has happened since I've updated this. Knockout, and the aftermath of it, during which I temporarily forgot how to write... and think... and breathe... All of that's come back now I think, at least the breathing and the writing... jury's still out on the thinking part. Actually, the jury isn't sure that the thinking part ever worked exactly right in the first place. :) Anyway, I'm actually on sort-of vacation now, picking up my granddad from Florida and helping him move back home, but once I get back (and maybe even before then... I've had more downtime than I expected) the hope is that I can get on a more consistent updating schedule. It's actually kind of nice to escape to my own little Castle world where Beckett's fine (I mean, I know she WILL be fine, but still...), Montgomery's alive (not that I write him much, but again, still...) and everything is just as I left it before the S3 finale completely rocked my world. :P This story, in case you're curious, is eight (or maybe possibly nine?) chapters away from being done. :)_

_Anyway, hope you liked it, and I very much love reviews! :)_


	25. Chapter 25

"_Come on, give me one reason,"_

"Oh, that would be Richard," Martha said as she got up to answer the door.

Kate's eyes narrowed. "Really? Why would he be ringing the doorbell at his own house?"

"I believe you'll find the answer to that in just a second." Martha opened the door and backed away, and Castle entered, grocery bags hanging from every conceivable place.

Kate almost laughed. "How did you even ring the bell?"

He waved an elbow in answer.

She rolled her eyes. "Ever think of making two trips?"

"I don't need to," he said, voice a little muffled from the handle of the bag he had clenched between his teeth, "I am a professional."

"My son, the professional grocery carrier," Martha mumbled loudly. "I'm so proud."

Castle ungracefully hefted the grocery bags onto the counter. All of them reached his intended destination except one, which spilled its contents onto the kitchen floor. Fortunately, its contents were three boxes of pasta and a loaf of bread. The bread was a little flattened on one side, but it didn't make a mess.

"You know, I would've helped you with that if you'd asked," Beckett said as she eyed the bag on the floor.

"Thanks, I got it covered." He put the items that had fallen out of the bag back into the bag and set it on the counter before taking something out of another bag to put it away.

Beckett fought the urge to roll her eyes at his utterly illogical unpacking method. Instead, she chose a different bag entirely and took out the only thing that was in it: a half gallon of ice cream. Easy enough. She started heading for the freezer, but Castle stopped her before she got there.

"What are you doing?"

She shrugged. "Helping you put stuff away. Is that a problem?"

He took the ice cream from her. "You don't have to do that. You're our guest. What are you doing here, anyway?"

She happened to glance toward the stairs and saw Martha disappearing up them. For someone who always seemed to make a noticeable entrance, she was pretty good at making a quiet exit. "I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I just figured I'd stop by and see how… Alexis was doing."

He smiled. "She's getting better."

"I know, I was talking to her before her friend got here." She took out the slightly squished loaf of bread and met him about halfway across the kitchen, where he took it from her.

"Why do you keep trying to take my groceries?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not trying to take them, I'm trying to help you put them away."

"I've got it."

"I'm not just going to sit here and watch you put your groceries away. Let me help."

"You don't know where anything goes."

"I'm sure it's not complicated. Anyway, the relay thing we've got going now seems to be working."

He shook his head, defeated. "Fine." He put away the bread and she handed him two of the pasta boxes. "Why are you really here?"

"What? I told you."

"You didn't have to come here just to see how Alexis was doing. You could've just called, and if that was really the only reason you came here you could've left before I got home."

She thrust the bag of flour she was holding at him a little harder than necessary. "Do you wish I had?"

His response wasn't at all what she would've expected. He put the flour down on the counter and looked directly at her. "I don't know."

She desperately hoped that the sting his words had caused her wasn't visible on her face. Her reasons for coming here were becoming clearer, but it had obviously been a mistake. She'd wanted to see Castle. She hadn't in a few days… and she'd missed him. And she'd hoped he'd missed her too. She'd been expecting him to greet her with a smile of surprise and delight, but this? This was not that. She swallowed the lump that was starting to form in her throat and turned toward the door. "I'll just go now, then."

"Wait." She turned back around to look at him. The expression on his face wasn't pain, it was something else. Frustration. Even exasperation. "You're always welcome here."

"I've heard that before, but I'm not really getting that impression."

"Well, then I guess we're even, aren't we?"

She drew a complete blank when it came to figuring out what in the world he was talking about. "What?"

"I've been getting all kinds of mixed signals from you lately. I have no idea where we stand."

She glanced around at her surroundings, trying to formulate a response, and then turned back to Castle. "In your kitchen."

He sighed lightly and put a gallon of milk into the fridge, filling time. "I thought I was the smartass," he murmured. Then he turned to her again. "We fight, we make up. You help me, I help you. We end up at each other's houses. We talk on the phone. I don't hear from you for days, and then suddenly you're here again. I don't get it."

She considered this for a second, and then nodded slowly. "You're right," she finally said in a small voice. He started to nod with an annoyingly satisfied expression on his face, but she wasn't finished. "We are even."

Now it was his turn to look confused. "What?"

"You flirt with me, you act like you're interested. You break up with your girlfriend. We talk, we tell each other things. You sleep with a trampy murder suspect. I don't hear from you for a month. You give me a ride home. You start showing up at the precinct again, working with Esposito, totally shoving me under the bus. Then the whole thing with Alexis and everything since… I don't have any idea what's going on either."

"Then why are you here?"

She took a deep breath. Time to be honest. "I guess I just wanted to see you."

He didn't smile, but his eyes sparkled. "You did."

She shrugged and then nodded.

"I'm glad you did."

She cleared her throat and then went back to handing him groceries to put away. "So when do you think you'll be coming back to the precinct?"

"Alexis wants to go back to school next week, so if all goes according to plan… how's Monday?"

She nodded. "Fine."

"I missed you too." He didn't look at her as he said it, he was putting something away in one of his cupboards, but he said it.

"I never said…"

He interrupted her. "I know." He took a head of lettuce from her hands, never making eye contact, not that she tried for it.

She had missed him. She did care about him. She thought about what everyone seemed to be telling her lately: Lanie, Martha, even her own father. Give him a break. Give him a chance. But she couldn't seem to silence the nagging voice in the back of her mind, the voice that kept saying, _"You can't trust him."_

She cleared her throat. "It's been… weird, at the precinct without you."

He raised his eyebrows. "I heard rumors that you worked there before you met me."

"No, I know, it's just..." She shrugged, and she felt herself blush. "It'll be good to have you back."

Directly, he didn't react to that at all. Instead, he smiled. "Why don't you stay for dinner?"

If she'd thought it was simply a friendly invitation, she would have accepted without a moment's hesitation. But his expression told her otherwise. Told her that if she stayed, it would mean something different. Something more. She shook her head. "I can't."

Something in his eyes hardened, defeated, but he kept smiling. "Why not? Big plans?"

She looked away. "Something like that."

"Come on, Kate." He was trying to stay casual, but there was a kind of pleading buried deep within the tone of his voice. "Eat dinner with us. You can see we have plenty of food."

"I couldn't. I don't want to intrude."

"It's not intruding if you're invited."

"I couldn't," she repeated.

He made a frustrated noise. "Fine. Go, then. I'll see you Monday."

"No." It was like an involuntary reaction, a reflex. Her brain told her to go, to reply "See you Monday" and leave the apartment. The place that had formed the word had nothing to do with her brain, it had come from somewhere else entirely, somewhere else within her that had somehow learned to form a connection with her mouth without her brain's consent. And whatever it was that had taken control of her mouth refused to relinquish it, because as he looked at her, a little taken aback, she couldn't seem to say anything intelligent. She just stared back, open-mouthed but unable to speak.

Finally he seemed to realize she wasn't going to say anything more. "No?" he repeated, confusion showing on his face.

She wanted to backpedal, to do what her head was telling her and leave, but it was too late now. She had to offer some kind of an explanation for a word she had no idea why she'd said. "I… can we talk?"

"Isn't that what we've been doing?"

She looked around to Castle's daughter and her friend, who she could see from where she stood, although they weren't looking in her direction. "Somewhere else."

"Like where?"

"Somewhere more private."

"My mom's upstairs, Alexis and Paige aren't paying any attention to us. Why do we need to go somewhere else?"

She met his eyes, and once again she didn't think the word that she heard herself say had ever gone through her mind. "Please."

He studied her face for a second and then slowly nodded for her to follow him. She followed him into his study and closed the door behind them. He pulled out his desk chair so it wasn't directly behind his desk and sat down. She found another chair and faced him. He watched her expectantly without saying a word. But now that they had the privacy she'd craved, she had no idea what she actually wanted to say. Why hadn't she just left? _Why?_

"What's up, Beckett?" he finally said, caught somewhere between concern and frustration. "Is everything okay?"

"Not really."_ Ugh._ She had to figure out how to get her mouth to stop engaging without consulting her first.

The concerned part of his expression amplified, and the little creases that formed above his eyes when he was worried, the ones she'd always secretly found endearing, appeared. "What is it?"

She sighed. "What are we doing, Rick?"

He was a little taken aback by her use of his first name, she could tell that. He used her first name occasionally, and had not long ago, but she very rarely used his. He said nothing about that, though. "We're talking, I think," he said. He was a little confused, but not as confused as he was acting. "It was your idea."

She took a deep breath, determined to dive into the issue she should've brought up long ago. Before today. Before the last time they'd talked. Before Alexis's accident. Before their fight. Before Caroline. "I care about you, Rick. And I think you care about me too."

He softened. "Of course I do."

"So… what are we? Friends? Partners?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"Is that all?"

"Is that all you want us to be?"

This was it, really. The whole issue. Everything. She didn't know. She didn't have any idea. "Is that what you want?"

He shook his head and she felt her heart sink, but then she realized that his gesture hadn't necessarily been in response to her question, at least not directly. "You don't get to cop out that easily," he said. "You answer my question."

Her reaction to what she'd thought had been his response told her exactly how she felt, but she still had the same reservations she always had, and they weren't just going to go away. "I need to know that I can trust you."

He sighed heavily. "What can I do to make you believe that?"

Again she thought about everything that had happened recently. In some situations she trusted him fully. In others, she didn't at all. Like Martha had said, Castle's mistakes were part of who he was, and that was never going to change. She shook her head slowly. "I don't know. I don't know that I ever will."

He looked as if she had physically hit him. She hadn't wanted this. She hadn't wanted to hurt him. As much as he'd hurt her in the past, he really hadn't recently, and she immediately wished she could take it back. But she couldn't. What she'd said had been the truth, and you couldn't just take back the truth. It couldn't be erased. She clamped her teeth together to keep more words that she would regret from escaping while she tried to formulate some that she wouldn't.

Before she managed, though, he had his own response. "You have to promise me that you won't freeze me out again." The look on his face was as serious as she had ever seen it.

She half-shrugged. "And what if I can't make that promise?"

He took a second to process her question, and then answered very slowly. "Then… I can't shadow you anymore."

She swallowed and nodded, making her decision. "I won't freeze you out." She realized the gravity of the promise she'd just made. She was tossing out her most powerful card, the only real authority she'd ever had over him: the ability to make him leave. But that was all she'd be granting him today.

He nodded once. "Then if you just give me the chance, I will show you that you can trust me."

She studied him. He was being sincere, but she was skeptical. "How?"

"Just give me time, and I will show you."

She gave him a very small nod, barely a motion, but she was aware that he saw it. "I'll see you Monday," she said, before taking leave of his office.

"See you Monday," he repeated.

She left the room and finally the apartment, bits of the conversation still ringing through her head as she tried to figure out exactly what she'd just agreed to.

* * *

_A/N: Oh boy. That chapter did not do what I intended. At all. I like how it turned out, and it accomplished what I needed to accomplish (actually, more than I needed it to accomplish...) but the original idea I had in my head and what this turned into are vastly different. But anyway. I very much hope that this chapter didn't cause anyone to pull their hair out, because I can sort of see how parts of it might've had that effect... but I'd hate to be blamed for sudden baldness._

_Chapter 24? Mixed reviews. There seems to be a group of you who are completely on board with whatever I do, and I love you for that. In all seriousness? You're the reason I'm still writing this. But I also got frustration with Castle, frustration with Beckett, frustration with Alexis and Martha... apparently Chapter 24 was just generally frustrating. If you ask me, this story as a whole is more than a little frustrating, but I'm still going. :) There's another little tone shift in this chapter I think... I didn't entirely intend it, but as far as the story and the song that's effectively my outline are concerned, I think it works perfectly. Definitely let me know if you noticed/liked/disliked that._

_Again (I'm assuming the 25th time this story I've reminded you of this...), I love reviews, and all of them help me a lot, so let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading! This story is not short, and if you've made it this far I'm very impressed by your dedication. :)_


	26. Chapter 26

"_Come on, find me in daylight."_

"Castle's coming in today," she said offhand as she filled her coffee cup in the break room Monday morning. She tried to make it sound like it didn't matter, like she was simply stating a fact, when in reality she was throwing a glance at the elevator every fifteen minutes to see if he was here yet.

"Really?" Esposito asked. "And you're okay with this?"

Beckett raised her eyebrows. "What do you care? You had him working with you when I did mind."

"So you don't mind now."

She rolled her eyes and took her coffee to her desk, but when she got there she found that it was already occupied. Of course he would show up during the two minutes that she was in the break room. "Out of my chair, Castle," she commanded him in greeting.

He looked faintly like a puppy who'd just been hit with a newspaper. "My chair isn't here anymore. And you already have a coffee." He pointed sadly at the cup he'd already set on her desk. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

She raised her eyebrows. "What is it?"

He started to smile. She was testing him, and he was about to pass with flying colors. "Grande skim latte, two pumps sugar free vanilla."

She couldn't help the smile that spread across her own face. She had yet to drink from the cup she'd poured for herself. "Ryan," she called to the other detective at his desk, "coffee?"

He nodded. "Sure."

"You got an extra chair over there?"

He looked around. "Uh, yeah."

"Bring me it and you can have the coffee."

Castle grinned. "Making him work for it. I like your tactics."

Ryan brought the chair and put it beside Beckett's desk, right where the old chair had been. As promised, she handed him the mug and took the to-go cup that Castle had brought. She took a sip and wasn't surprised to find that it was significantly better than the break room's coffee, even taking the espresso machine into consideration. "Thanks," she told him. "Now get out of my seat."

But before he could, Montgomery's voice came from the rough direction of his office. "You four. My office."

He hadn't gestured or made any specific gesture to indicate which four people in the crowded bullpen he was referring to, but by this point it wasn't necessary. Every detective in the precinct knew who "you four" was, including the three detectives and the writer in question.

"Sir?" Beckett asked when they were all gathered in the office, the captain eyeing them sternly.

"Are… we in trouble?" Ryan piped in.

"Not this time. At least, not yet." He looked at Castle. "It's okay with you that he's here, Beckett?"

She nodded. "Yes, sir. He's here by my invitation." She frowned. "Should I have… checked with you first?"

"No, no. Not necessary. It's just that the last time he showed up unannounced the four of you kind of made a scene, and I'm hoping to avoid that happening again." He eyed his detectives meaningfully. "_Ever_ again."

Ryan and Esposito looked down guiltily, and Beckett blushed. "Be assured that it won't, sir," she said.

"That was my fault, Captain," Castle said, although Beckett noticed with unease that he was looking only at her. "But she's right. It will _never_ happen again."

There was something heavy about his tone, like he wasn't just referring to the incident at the precinct, although she couldn't have been sure of that, especially because she was purposefully avoiding making direct eye contact with him. She could tell he was doing that thing, that blue-eyed boring into her soul thing that he was so adept at, and she refused to allow it. She was at work, in her captain's office. Now was not the time.

"Okay," Montgomery said. "Good. Now that we have that out of the way." He looked at Castle. "How's Alexis doing?"

He nodded. "She's better. A lot better. Thank you for asking. She's still on crutches, but she's back at school now. Today was her first day back. Big milestone for her. She's a pretty tough kid."

Montgomery and the other two detectives expressed their relief and happiness, but Beckett was looking directly at Castle now, and there was neither relief nor happiness on his face or in his voice. He was faking it well enough for the others, but his smile was forced. It wasn't real. It didn't agree with his words. Something was wrong. "She's still mad at you?" she asked him softly.

The question was intended only for Castle's ears, but the space was small and Ryan overheard. "Alexis? Why would she be mad at you?"

Castle stared determinedly at the floor. "She… found out about what happened. With Caroline. A few days ago."

"Ooh." Esposito clapped him on the back. "That sucks, bro."

The captain just shook his head. "You're all free to go." He looked at Castle again. "I'm glad Alexis is doing okay."

He nodded. "Thanks."

As they all left the office, Beckett was still watching Castle. Whether he'd admit it or not, he was upset, and maybe he did deserve it, but that didn't make her feel any better. She'd always loved how close Castle and his daughter were, closer than she and her own father had ever been, and closer than they would ever be. Alexis meant more to Castle than anything else in the world, and she liked that about him. It was the one, and maybe the only, thing about Castle that was consistently mature. He was a good father. It had to be killing him that they were fighting, especially because he hadn't done anything wrong, not recently, and the thing Alexis was upset about had nothing to do with her.

Beckett couldn't help but feel like the so much of this was her fault, and she wasn't one to take responsibility for something without paying for it. That would've negated everything she stood for, who she was. She wanted to do something. She wanted to help.

The problem was, she didn't know how she could help, especially because she didn't necessarily want Castle to know that she was feeling responsible. If she knew him, he'd only disagree. He'd say she hadn't done anything wrong and consequently didn't have to do anything to make up for it. But although she wasn't quite ready to admit this to him, she had been wrong. It was true that he shouldn't have been with Caroline. She was a suspect connected to a case, and he had made her life more difficult professionally. At the same time though, she had also overreacted. She'd acted like a high school girl, jealous of the girl who got the boy she had a crush on. It wasn't like they'd been dating, they hadn't. That possibility hadn't even been mentioned, not by either one of them. They'd both been wrong. They'd both made mistakes. And now they both had to deal with the consequences of their actions.

It wasn't long before Castle interrupted her thoughts. "So," he said cheerfully, "my first day back on the job. What exciting things do I have to look forward to? Building theory? Arresting suspects? Interrogation?" He quickly looked around, and his glanced rested on the blank whiteboard. "The murder board is blank. Why is the murder board blank?"

She couldn't help but smile, which he apparently found suspicious.

"What?"

She shook her head. "Nothing."

"No, what?"

She shrugged. "It's good to have you back." And it was. Unlike the awkward few days that he'd been shadowing Esposito, it felt completely natural, and she was grateful for that.

He nodded once and smiled as well, and this time it looked a little less forced. "It's good to be back. Now, why is the murder board blank?"

"I don't have a case right now." She gestured to her desk. "Paperwork."

He raised his eyebrows defiantly. "My first day back and all I get to do is watch you do paperwork? And you think this is acceptable?"

"Sorry, Castle. That's why I usually call you when something exciting happens." She watched him lightly kick the leg of her desk in agitation, and suddenly an idea occurred to her. It was ridiculous, of course… but Castle liked ridiculous. At the very least, it would distract him from his personal problems and get him out of her hair so that she might actually be able to get some of her paperwork done. "You know what? Maybe I do have a case."

His eyes lit up. "Great, what is it?" But then as he processed what she'd said, his eyes narrowed. "Wait, what do you mean maybe? Either you have a case or you don't. You're homicide, there isn't a lot of gray area. Did someone die or didn't they?"

She almost laughed, which would've answered his question on its own. She was never one to laugh about murder. "Okay, no one died. And I don't have a case, but you do."

"I'm intrigued," he said, but he looked more suspicious.

"When I was on the phone with you the other day one of those two jokers kicked my shoe." She nodded at Ryan and Esposito, who for some reason she was afraid to ask about were both at Ryan's desk. "Big scuff mark right across the toe, and neither one of 'em will admit to doing it. I promised them I would figure out who it was, and then kill him."

Castle raised his eyebrows. "Katherine Beckett, since when are you that precious about your shoes?"

She smirked. "Hey, I _like_ those shoes. You do not mess with my shoes." She was half-joking. But only half.

"Okay, fine. But allow me to address another side of the issue. Ryan and Esposito are my friends. Why would I help you figure out which one of them to kill?"

She rolled her eyes. "Please. They're my friends too. You don't really think I'm going to kill either of them. But they're also my colleagues and I told them I'd figure out which one of them it was. How could I expect them to have any respect for me professionally if I didn't at least attempt to make good on that?"

"How could they not—" he started, but she cut him off.

"Come on, Castle. You said you wanted a case, didn't you? Now you have one. Your very own. Enjoy."

He smiled. "Fine." He looked down. "Do you have the evidence?"

She shook her head. "I'm wearing different shoes today, and I cleaned those ones off anyway."

"Come on! How am I supposed to crack the case without evidence?"

"Question your suspects. How many times have you been in interrogation with me? You know the drill. You can even use one of the interrogation rooms if you like." She remembered Montgomery's previous warning about using them for personal business and amended. "Although you do so at your own risk."

He grinned. "This isn't personal, this is official police business. Which means I can use official police resources."

She smiled in spite of herself, enjoying how much he was enjoying this idea. She'd known he would. "Your choice. But if you get in trouble, leave me out of it. And don't bother the guys if they're busy." But even as she said this, she glanced toward Ryan's desk and saw Esposito point at the computer screen and laugh. "Though I don't think that's likely," she muttered.

But Castle also saw and, unsurprisingly, was intrigued. "I'd better go check this out. Could be my first lead."

She rolled her eyes. "Go do that. Maybe I can actually get something done."

Relieved of her writer, Beckett actually was able to get some work done, but that wasn't to say she wasn't keeping half an eye on Castle and his "case." Even with the absurdity of his assignment, he was still so absorbed, so passionate. She watched him take each of the boys into an empty interrogation room in turn, and during his interrogation of Ryan she watched Montgomery enter the observation room, no doubt trying to figure out what exactly was going on, and she braced herself for scolding. But the captain looked more amused than irritated when he came out again, and went back to his office without saying a word to her.

She was surprised at how long it was apparently taking Castle to "solve" his "case." Besides the glimpses she caught of him hard at work, she barely saw him. As she wrapped up her paperwork for the day she began to look for him more earnestly. If she was going home for the day, there was no reason for him to be here working on the fake case she'd assigned him.

But no sooner did she begin looking than she saw him heading toward her desk, happily waving a very official-looking piece of paper. "I got it!" he declared. "I got a confession. It was Esposito. He messed up your shoe."

She narrowed her eyes as she took the paper from his hand. "How did you get a confession form?" She looked at it more carefully and saw that it was a photocopy. "A _fake_ confession form?"

"Ryan let me borrow a real one and I made a copy. Cool, huh?"

_"So_ cool." She said it sarcastically, but she was a little impressed at the lengths he'd gone to for his assignment. She should've realized he would, though. Castle was nothing if not thorough.

"So now that we know who it was… what's his punishment? Lethal injection? Electric chair? Throw shoes at him? Ooh, if that's it, can I help?"

She smiled. "Don't worry, I'll think of something fitting. I was just about to head out for the day, though. Can I give you a ride home?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Thanks."

* * *

_Ugh. Sorry. Who would've thought I'd actually have less time for writing in the summer than I did while I was at school? Not me. But that seems to be the case, or at least it has been lately. I think my life is calming down a bit now though, so maybe that'll change. At least, that's my hope. :)_

_Not many thoughts on this chapter, except this. It's not a filler chapter. Parts of it might seem that way, but it isn't. I swear. The plot movement is subtle, but it exists. If you can't see it, just trust me. With six (or maybe possibly seven, depending on how the end goes...) chapters to go, I don't have time for filler chapters._

_Let me know what you thought! (Step 1: Locate the review button at the bottom of your screen. Step 2: Click said button. Step 3: Type review. Step 4: Click "submit." Step 5: Recieve many virtual hugs of gratitude from a very happy author.)_

_As always, thanks for reading! :)_


	27. Chapter 27

_Author's Note: Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter. :) I feel like you guys liked it better than I did. Not that that's rare. :P I'm my own toughest critic, and I know it. But I'm glad you seemed to like the shoe case. It was fun to write, of course it was Esposito, and... yeah. Castle *would* manage to get his hands on an actual confession form to make everything official._

_Anyway, this chapter I actually really like. So I hope you do too. :)_

* * *

"_Come on, give me one reason,"_

She felt her heart beating a little faster than usual as she selected the number in her phone. She didn't normally get nervous calling Castle. Not anymore. She knew him well enough and she'd called him enough times that it had become a normal occurrence. At the moment, actually, the thing making her nervous was that she _wasn't_ calling Castle. She was calling his house, sure, but not with the intention of talking to him. In fact, she was hoping against hope that he didn't answer, because if he did she'd have to either explain or find a way around explaining why she wanted to talk to his daughter.

Unfortunately though, Beckett had no way to contact Alexis directly, so she found that her best option was to call Castle's home phone and hope that the teenager, or even her grandmother, would be the one to answer. Martha would probably let her talk to Alexis without much trouble. Castle would immediately want to know what she wanted to talk to his daughter about that he couldn't hear, which seriously defeated the purpose of her call.

Finally she took a deep breath and pressed the send button on her phone. There was no going back now. She paced her empty apartment as she anxiously waited to find out who would answer. She was relieved when she heard Martha's distinctive voice. "Hello?"

"Hi Martha," she said, trying to relax a little. If nothing else, Castle hadn't answered. "It's Kate Beckett."

"Oh, of course, Kate," Martha said. She sounded a bit preoccupied, but that wasn't unusual for Martha. "Are you looking for Richard?"

"No, actually, I'm looking for Alexis. Is she available?"

"Alexis? Well, there's an interesting turn of events. I'll get her."

"Thanks, Martha." She breathed a silent sigh of relief that she was going to get to talk to Alexis without having to explain.

"Phone for you, Alexis," she heard Martha's voice, a little separated from the phone, say, more gently than she would've expected. There was a pause, and then she heard the older woman's voice again. "I think you'll want to take this one." Another pause. "It's Detective Beckett. At least find out what she wants."

The next voice she heard was decidedly Castle's. "Beckett? For Alexis? Why?"

"I don't know, but I think Alexis would be the best person to find out," Martha said. "Take the call, darling."

There was a brief rustling of the handset being passed from one person to another, and then for the first time she heard Alexis's voice. It didn't sound quite right. A little thin, even for the normally soft-spoken girl's standards, and a little more nasal than was normal. "Hello?"

"Hey Alexis, it's, um… Kate Beckett." Her hesitation wasn't because she'd forgotten her name, but rather because she wasn't exactly sure what she thought Alexis should call her. She'd heard Martha introduce her, but 'Detective Beckett' seemed a little formal considering she wasn't at work, and yet she wasn't sure Alexis knew her well enough to feel comfortable calling her by her first name. She went with her full name to give the teenager the freedom of choice.

"Hi," the girl said a little timidly, not choosing at all.

She wasn't sure how to start. "Um, look…" She let her sentence trail off and started over. "Is your dad there?"

"Yeah… why? I thought you wanted to talk to me?"

"I do, it's just… Can you go somewhere where he isn't?"

"Yeah." Again the teenager's voice changed, like she was holding the phone further away from her mouth. "Dad, out."

"But—" Beckett could hear Castle protest, and not quietly.

"It's my room," Alexis insisted. "Out. You too, Gram."

She heard Castle's signature whimper of defeat and couldn't help but smile. Then she heard the sound of a door closing and Alexis got back on the phone.

"Okay, it's just me." She drew a long, ragged breath. "What is it?"

Kate had had her own reasons for calling, but the more attention she paid to Alexis, the less important they seemed. The signs were pretty consistent. The girl had been crying. "Is… everything okay?" she found herself asking.

"Yeah, yeah," Alexis said. "I'm fine. Why'd you call?"

"Are you sure?" Beckett asked, ignoring Alexis's question for the moment. "Look, I know that you don't know me that well, and I don't know you that well, and I won't pretend that we do. But just… if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. If you want."

"Thanks. But I'm good."

"Does… it have anything to do with your dad?"

Alexis sighed heavily. "Contrary to his belief, not everything is about him."

"Sorry. Just thought I'd ask."

"Why did you call?"

She felt a little awkward explaining her reason for calling after the very firm point Alexis had just made. "It _is_ about your dad. If this isn't a good time, you can call me back…"

"What is it?" Alexis asked quickly. "He was back at the precinct today, wasn't he? Is he in some kind of trouble?"

"No, nothing like that. Today actually went pretty well. It's just… you're still upset with him, aren't you?"

"Yeah, of course I am."

She sighed. "Look, Alexis. I forgave him. I think it's time you did too. I don't want you being mad at him on my behalf."

"It's not really 'on your behalf'… I think our reasons are different."

Beckett frowned. "Oh?"

"Yeah," Alexis said simply.

"Enlighten me?"

"You were mad at him for messing up your case, right?"

"Yeah," she agreed. Although this was an oversimplification, it wasn't wrong.

"Okay. See, I don't really care about that. No offense. I mean, I know that's bad, it's just… what you guys do at work, it's not really my business. My dad tells me about it sometimes, but it just really doesn't concern me."

She nodded, although Alexis couldn't see. "I get that."

"I'm mad at him for lying."

Kate frowned. "Lying?"

"To me. To you. To that other girl. To himself. To everyone, really. He keeps saying and acting like he doesn't have feelings for you, but he does. I know he does. I've been ignoring it for so long, but I can't do it anymore. It's too frustrating."

She sighed. "I'm sorry Alexis, but whatever feelings your dad does or doesn't have for me, it's not for you to worry about."

"No," Alexis agreed, "you're right, it's none of my business. And honestly I wish Gram hadn't told me as much as she did. But now that I know… All my life he's been teaching me things. About life, and love, and right, and wrong. And he's always led me to believe I should never be with a guy who does the things he did. Someone who lies, and acts shallow, and refuses to see what's right in front of his face. I love my dad. I do. And no matter what he does or what changes, I always will. But knowing what I know, I doubt I'll ever be able to look at him the same way."

Kate sighed. For a moment, she wished she was looking at Alexis face to face rather than talking to her on the phone. There were certain things that couldn't be properly conveyed using only words. "Look, Alexis, I love that you and your dad are so close. I think it's really sweet, I always have. And it's rare, you know? There aren't a lot of girls your age that are even close to their dads, and I'd hate to see you lose that. But maybe… maybe you don't need to look at him the same way you did before."

There was a pause on the other line. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… I think you're old enough to understand that no one's perfect. Your dad doesn't have to be some kind of a faultless superhero to you anymore. Someone told me once that it's our mistakes as well as our triumphs that make us who we are, and when you really care about someone you have to embrace all of it. You love the whole person, not just the parts you think are good or right." She frowned. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," Alexis sighed after another long pause. "Yeah, it really does."

She had to agree. It did make sense. What Martha had said to her the other day made a lot of sense. It wasn't just her standing up for her son, it was real wisdom. Otherwise she wouldn't have repeated it to Alexis. Maybe it was easier said than done, but she really did believe it.

"Is that why you called?" Alexis asked after a moment. "Just to tell me that?"

Kate shrugged, although she realized that Alexis couldn't see. "Well… yeah. I guess so. I mean, I could tell he was upset, I know he hates fighting with you, and I felt like part of it was my fault. So I… just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help. Hope I did. I'll let you go now." She poised her hand to hang up, but Alexis stopped her.

"Wait."

She frowned. She'd expected, hoped even, to just slide away after giving her little bit of advice, no questions asked. "Yeah?"

"Why… why do you care so much?"

"He's my friend," she said simply. "I care. He, um… he'd do the same for me."

"You're right," Alexis said. "He would."

Beckett cleared her throat. "Yeah. Well, just… try to go easy on him. Okay?"

"Yeah. I'll try."

"That's all I ask. Oh, how are you feeling, by the way? I heard you were back at school today?"

"Yeah," the teen sighed.

Beckett frowned. "I thought you were excited to go back. What happened?" She shook her head and forced herself to take a step back. Alexis was Castle's daughter. Not hers. "You don't… have to tell me. If you don't want to. But you can."

"Ashley's mad at me," she said simply.

"Why?"

"I kind of suck with people right now. Since my accident I've had kind of… a low tolerance."

"A low tolerance for… what?"

"People."

"Ah." Beckett smiled. "Can't say I don't understand that feeling."

"I didn't tell him. About the accident. At all. He heard about it from some mutual friends, but he said he didn't really completely believe it because he thought I would've told him… but then when he saw me at school with crutches… he freaked out." As she spoke, the teenager's voice got progressively shakier. "He has every right to be mad. I should've told him, I just… didn't want him to worry. And I knew that if I told him he'd want to see me, and I didn't want him to see me like that. All gross and broken."

Kate had an instant image of herself, soaking wet and shivering, makeup running down her face as she sat in the passenger seat of Castle's car. It was different, but at the same time, not so different at all. "I get that. I do. Trust me. I really do. But you know what? Sometimes when you need someone the most is when it's the easiest to shut them out. If he cares about you, he'll want to be there for you when things get hard. And if you care about him, you should let him do that."

"But what if I already messed it up? What if he won't forgive me?"

"If he really does care that much about you? He'll give you another chance. Just… don't be afraid to take it."

Alexis paused, apparently thinking, and then made a very small noise of acknowledgement. "Thank you," she finally said. "For calling, and for… everything."

She smiled. "No problem." She was just about to say goodbye when Alexis interrupted her thoughts once more.

"Detective Beckett?"

"Yeah?"

"I hope, one day, you and my dad both realize that you deserve each other."

She felt her face heat up instantly, as though someone had flipped a switch, and this time she was grateful for the telephone connection. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to form anything resembling a word, and by the time she got close to forming something intelligible the line was dead. Alexis had hung up. But by then she'd come up with a response, and it seemed a shame to waste it, so she went ahead and said it aloud anyway.

"Me too."

* * *

_A/N (again): Every time I write a Kate/Alexis scene it seems to get completely out of hand. I do love Kate/Alexis scenes. I love writing them, I love reading them, I love everything about them... so that probably has something to do with it. This one... as per usual... I intended to be a lot shorter. But I like the fact that it filled a whole chapter, and I like how it turned out._

_I don't want to say a ton about this because I really feel like the story should speak for itself. But I hope this chapter clears up Alexis's thinking for some people, because I've gotten a few comments that I personally feel like have completely missed the point. She's not rolling Castle under the bus, and she's not saying she cares more about Beckett than she does about her own father. She was never saying that, not at all. If that was what was going on, I'd completely agree with you, it would be absurd. So if that was a concern for you, I hope this chapter dispels it. If it wasn't, feel free to ignore this paragraph. Just something I wanted to touch on because it bothered me._

_Quick reminder that I LOVE reviews. :) Keep sending them and I'll keep writing. Granted, at this point I'm going to keep writing anyway. I don't do ultimatums like that, ever. Ever. Personal pet peeve. That said, when I know people are reading and interested it does tend to make me more motivated to write... resulting in faster updates. Something to think about. :)_


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N: So I take forever to update and then the chapter I give you is absurdly short. I know this. I'm sorry about the time it took, but not about the length. Honestly, this chapter didn't need to be any longer. It's short, and it won't take you long to read, but there's a lot here. At least, I think so. That was the intention._

_Random other point: forgive any errors? This chapter didn't get an especially good final edit. Granted, I've edited it three or four times, so it should be okay, but I really needed to post it tonight and I'm not really in an editing frame of mind. I also just watched _Breakfast at Tiffany's, _so for most of my lame attempt at a final edit I was reading what I'd already written in Audrey Hepburn's voice. Which gives it an interesting dimension that really isn't suppossed to be there. :P Anyway, hope you like it. :)_

* * *

"_Come on, find me in daylight."_

When she'd first thought of calling Alexis, she never would've imagined the seventeen-year-old's words would be continually turning in her head, refusing to let her think of anything else, for the next hour. But there she still was, sitting on her couch, hearing the girl's words echo in her head as though she'd just spoken them. _"I hope, one day, you and my dad both realize that you deserve each other."_

She'd never heard anyone arrange the words in quite that way before. It had been a popular theory that she should be with Castle for quite a long time. She'd heard "he's good for you," she'd heard "he cares about you," she'd even heard "you're an idiot if you don't hit that while you have the chance" (Lanie, of course). But she'd never heard "you deserve each other." He deserved her. She deserved him. It put things in a completely different kind of perspective. She just wasn't sure if she believed it.

Did he deserve her? She cared about him. That much was definitely true. She cared about him enough that she was willing to call his daughter to persuade her not to be so tough on him. She cared about him enough that she'd just stopped by his loft a few times after Alexis's accident to make sure everything was okay. She cared about him enough that she was willing to forgive him and allow him to go back to working with her. Did he deserve these things?

Did she deserve him? Someone who made her day to day life a little more interesting, a little more fun? Someone who she knew, whatever happened, truly did care about her as much as she cared about him? Someone who always seemed to have her back when she got into a tight spot, no matter what the circumstances surrounding it were? Someone who'd always catch her when she fell?

He was a little immature. His attention span, even with people, seemed to be short, and that made him difficult to trust. She trusted him with her life, she just wasn't sure she could trust him with her heart.

She was a little distant. She was hard to get to know, and it took a lot to get her to open up. She wasn't quick to trust.

Their issues matched up perfectly. He was hard to trust, and she had a hard time trusting. She'd matured too early in life, and he hadn't matured at all. She took everything too seriously, and he didn't take anything seriously. How could they ever work?

But if they could manage it, there was another way to look at this. They completed each other. She got him to slow down a little, to occasionally (although not always) think before he spoke, to learn a few instances when making a funny or sarcastic comment just wasn't appropriate. He got her to relax, to let her guard down a little. Taught that she didn't have to be so serious all the time.

The problem was, although right now, when he wasn't here, she could look at their relationship objectively and note that this might be true, when they were together and he was being annoying, she couldn't see it this way. She saw the man who'd stopped maturing after his ninth birthday without realizing that this immaturity was part of what she liked about him. It was refreshing because it was so much different from everything she saw and dealt with on a day-to-day basis without Castle in her life, but she never seemed to remember this in the moment. She just threatened to shoot him.

She also often failed to remember that there was another side to him, one that was a mature adult, or at least a reasonably mature adult. The one, and maybe only, thing that could remind her of this was talking to his daughter. Alexis knew a different Castle than she did, and the Castle that Alexis knew was a man she could have very little difficulty loving, or even trusting.

The ultimate truth was that she wanted to trust him. She really did. But wanting to trust him and actually trusting him were two very different concepts.

She believed, she _knew_, that when she had a problem, when life started to get complicated or challenging, he would always be there. She didn't doubt that. He'd proven it over and over. But what she wasn't as sure about, what she needed to know, was that he would be there for her every day, when everything was fine, when she didn't necessarily _need_ him. He was the exact opposite of a fair weather friend. He always seemed to show up to save the day when she needed him the most, but when everything was easy it seemed that he had a tendency to lose interest. That wasn't okay. She wanted, she needed, she _deserved,_ someone who would be there for her all the time. Through good times and bad. Through bad times and good. She wanted to believe that could be Castle, but she didn't know whether she could. She didn't know what she believed.

But that, she realized, that was what Castle needed to prove. He'd said that he would show her that she could trust him, and knowing Castle, the evidence he'd present would probably be in the form of some grand gesture. But she didn't need a grand gesture. She already knew that he was good with those. What she needed was much simpler, but much more difficult to demonstrate. She didn't need grandeur, she needed simplicity. Loyalty. Honesty. And these things couldn't be proven by a single act. She needed to see a trend. And if she did, then… She sighed. Even thinking this felt like a commitment, and it scared her a little. Even forming the words in her own head was a lot. It was a big step.

She took a deep breath and began the thought again. If she saw this trend, if Castle could manage to prove himself consistently honest, consistently loyal, and consistently trustworthy, then she would be ready. She would be ready to believe and to accept that he deserved her.

But there was another half to the equation Alexis had mentioned. Did she deserve him? Just as he always seemed to be there for her when she needed him, she was willing to do the same for him. She'd obviously been willing to call his daughter to try to help make things right between them. She did care about him. She cared about him a lot.

But just caring about wasn't enough, and she didn't try to fool herself that it was. She had to be willing to let him in. She had to be willing to trust him. She had to be willing to allow him to love her the way that she knew he could, the way that she knew he wanted to. And she had to be able to offer him that same depth of affection. But she didn't know if she could do any of this, and until she could, there was no question in her mind. Regardless of Alexis's opinion, she did not deserve him.

Maybe one day it would all line up. Maybe, one day, like Alexis said, they would both feel that they deserved each other, and from there they would be able to move forward. It was possible. But for now, they were simply two friends, two good friends, who cared about each other and would always be there to help each other through tough situations. He had promised to show her that she could trust him, and she had promised not to freeze him out. So for now, with those promises, they would move through life together, and they'd see where it would take them. And for now, she thought, that would be enough.

* * *

_A/N: So... just saying... if anyone does manage to read this tonight (it's Monday... it's still "tonight" til about 2, 2:30 a.m. in my book, depending on when I go to bed), I had kind of a crappy day/evening, and any reviews would probably be appreciated even a little bit more than usual. Of course, if you review tomorrow or at some later time, that's still awesome. Just a random and semi-unimportant point I wanted to make. Thanks for reading!_


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N: First and foremost, thank you so much for all of your awesome reviews on the last chapter. You are all awesome and lovely and beautiful. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Without you, there is no way I would still be writing this story. No way. I would've given up on it long ago. Plus you majorly improved the quality of my night. :) It's awesome to know that there are still quite a few people reading this, even as long as it is, and that you're still invested and still care where it goes._

_I'll also say this. I had no intention of finishing this chapter so quickly. I had no intention of _starting_ this chapter for at least a few days. There's another story I'm also working on right now that I thought was going to take priority. But when I was reading all of your reviews, I really wanted to write more. And so I did. I also really wanted to give you guys a longer chapter this time, as kind of a thanks. And I'm glad I did, because I think it's a better chapter for the extra pieces I added in an attempt to make it longer. I do think you'll like this one, and I hope I'm right. :)_

* * *

"_If the night is cold, and you're feeling low,"_

The buzz from her first cup of coffee was quickly wearing off, and she wanted nothing more than to go into the break room and get her customary second cup, her work coffee, but she waited. _He'll be here_, she told herself. _He'll bring it._ She forced herself to be patient and muscled her way through her paperwork, but her attention was fading fast. She wanted to wait, wanted to give him a chance to do what she was pretty sure he would, but she needed caffeine. And she needed it soon. "Dammit, Castle," she muttered at her paperwork, "what's taking you so long?"

She looked at her phone for the time. He should've been there by now. _Fifteen minutes_, she thought, setting a mental deadline for him. _If he's not here in fifteen minutes I'm getting my own coffee. _Waiting was driving her crazy, not just because she needed her next caffeine fix, but also because she'd never been one to wait for others to do things for her. She'd always been an independent spirit, and she always would be. But this was such a small thing, and she couldn't stop picturing the way Castle's face had looked the day before when he'd showed up with coffee and she already had a cup. They both enjoyed their little ritual, and she didn't want to mess it up today. It was a step, admittedly small, but a step, toward letting him in.

Of course, her step was beginning to feel less small by the second. It was probably better, she realized, that she saw the coffee cup before she saw him. An anonymous man's hand placed it directly on top of the report she'd been reading.

She looked up at him and forced a smile. "Thanks." She took a long, slow sip from the coffee cup and could practically feel it working its magic.

He smirked. "You look like you needed that."

"You were late," she accused.

"And you waited?"

She took another sip, both because she wanted it and to give herself time to formulate a response. "Well, yeah," she finally said. "You got all puppy dog eyes on me yesterday when I got my own."

"And that… bothered you?"

She shrugged. "It's annoying."

"I see." He took a sip of his own coffee to mask his smirk, and by the time he took the cup away his face was sober. "Hey, before we really get to work, I wanted to tell you thanks."

She frowned. "Thanks? For what?"

"I don't know what you and Alexis talked about yesterday, she wouldn't tell me, but whatever you said to her, it really helped."

She smiled. "I'm glad. Helped how?"

"She was really upset when you called. You could probably tell. My mom said she was fighting with Ashley but she didn't know the details, and she was still barely talking to me… but after she talked to you she calmed down a lot, and now she's talking to me again. I don't know what changed, but it must've been something you said. So whatever it was… thank you."

Kate smiled. "'Whatever it was'? You're really not going to ask what we talked about?"

"No," he said, with conviction. "I'm not going to ask. Whatever you talked about, it was a good thing." But the familiar nine-year-old sparkle was still in his eye. "However, if you wanted to tell me, I wouldn't protest."

"We just talked. About a lot of different things."

"None of which you're willing to disclose."

"Specifically? No. I'm not."

"How about broadly, then? Last I checked, you weren't in the habit of calling my daughter just to chat. What changed?"

"Nothing changed, I just had something I wanted to tell her. So I did. And then we talked for a little while."

"And you're not going to tell me what it was you wanted to tell her."

"Very astute."

"Was it about me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Not everything is about you, Castle."

He raised his eyebrows. "But this was."

"Why would you assume that?"

"Because I notice you're not denying it."

"Doesn't mean it's true."

"Doesn't mean it's not." He smirked. "Well thank you, anyway. Apparently you were just the person she needed to talk to."

She smiled. "I'm glad. Will you ask her to call me after work?" She was curious about how the situation with Ashley would work out.

Castle started to nod, but changed his mind. "I'll tell you what. Why don't I give you her cell phone number so you can call her directly, and then you can call her when you get home?"

"Why would you do that?"

He frowned. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because it drives you crazy when we talk and you're not a part of it."

"No it doesn't."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, it does, but it's a good thing. It's good for Alexis to have, you know, a woman to look up to. Besides my mother. And I'm glad the two of you are talking, even though I wish I knew what you were talking about." He found a scrap of paper on her desk and wrote down his daughter's number. "Here," he said, handing it to her. "Take it."

She smiled as she looked at it. "Thanks." Then she turned her glance to Castle. She could tell, both because of his face and because she knew him, that he was dying to know what she and Alexis had talked about, even though he wasn't exactly prying. While she knew that Alexis had told her some of what she had in confidence, expecting that she wouldn't mention it to Castle, she decided it would be okay to tell him certain things. At least the pieces that, the way she figured it, Alexis would've told him anyway if she hadn't been angry with him, anger that Kate still felt partly responsible for. "She and Ashley are fighting… sort of," she said. "I guess Alexis didn't tell him about the accident and he had to find out from friends, so he wasn't real happy with her when he saw her in school with crutches."

Castle nodded. "That makes sense. I wondered why I hadn't seen him lately."

"I gave her some advice, and I think they'll work it out, but that's why she was upset."

"Thanks. For telling me, and for helping her."

"Hey, it's what friends do." She wasn't sure whether she was calling Castle her friend or Alexis, but it worked in either sense.

"So, speaking of friends…" Castle grinned. "We still need to resolve the case of the scuffed shoe. Does Mr. Esposito get a trial by jury, or what?"

She grinned. "Oh no. He confessed, remember? He's agreed to a plea bargain. To his benefit, otherwise he'd be facing the death penalty."

"Wow. Remind me never to touch your shoes."

"Oh, I will." She reached for something under her desk. "Watch this. When he sees what's in store for him, he might be wishing for the death penalty."

She pulled a large, clear plastic bag out from under her desk, the reason she'd been in such desperate need of caffeine when Castle arrived. She'd had to make sure to get to work before Esposito.

"Whoa, cruel and unusual punishment!" Castle exclaimed when he saw it.

Beckett half-smirked. "You don't even know what I'm gonna have him do with them yet. And it's not cruel and unusual, it's letting the punishment fit the crime."

"You have a _lot_ of shoes."

She looked at the bag and shrugged. This wasn't even half of her collection. "I have more at home."

"Wow. I never thought I'd say this, but you're worse than my mother."

She rolled her eyes. "Nice." She hefted the bag to Esposito's desk and dropped it on top. "You will clean and polish all of these until every one of them is as perfect as the day I bought it. Understood? And if I were you, I wouldn't let the captain see."

Castle turned from the very surprised Esposito to Beckett and back excitedly. "Why?" he asked Beckett. "What do you have on him?"

Esposito raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, I'd like to hear that myself."

Beckett smiled. "Just enough. I have Lanie."

Castle's eyes widened. "Katherine Beckett, you are diabolical and I love it. Why don't we get to see this side of you more often?"

Esposito just gazed at the bag of shoes. "I will get you back for this, Beckett. Mark my words."

"Uh-huh. Sure you will." She turned away from her friend's desk. "Come on, Castle. We have work to do."

"Would Lanie really help you over Esposito?" Castle asked as they neared her desk again.

She shrugged. "Depends, on the circumstances, I think. Made him nervous though, didn't it?"

He grinned. "You're evil."

"Could be. That's what he gets."

"Still no case?" Castle asked, sitting down in his chair.

"Not right now. I think the captain's avoiding assigning us cases on purpose, all three of us are pretty far behind on paperwork. Giving us time to catch up."

"Not so exciting for me though," Castle complained.

"You didn't have to come in today."

Castle's expression let her know that this was about the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "Of course I did. I had to bring you your coffee, which you obviously desperately needed. And I wouldn't have wanted to miss Esposito's punishment. That was classic."

She smiled. "I would've waited for you."

"But if I hadn't come in until you had a case, you wouldn't have had time to do that." He smiled. "It's better this way."

She nodded and was about to turn back to her paperwork when Ryan appeared in front of her desk. "So Castle's back, you two are getting along, Esposito's cleaning your shoes… just like old times," he noted.

"Don't you have work to do, Ryan?" Beckett asked with a roll of her eyes.

"No one else is doing any, why should I?"

"I was just about to. And Castle was just about to sit here and distract me."

"Just like old times," Ryan repeated.

"On that note, either go pretend to work or go pretend to help Esposito. Just like old times."

Ryan made a face to show that he wasn't amused, but she caught him smiling as he headed back toward his desk.

He was right, but he was also wrong. In some ways, it did feel just like old times, like how everything had been before Caroline, before they fought and before she pushed Castle away. But in other ways, it was completely different. There was an air of fragility surrounding her relationship with Castle. Yes, she had promised that she wouldn't cut him out of her life again, and it wasn't really that he didn't believe that promise, it was just… she felt like he was being careful, much more careful than he usually was, and more careful than he ever had been before. Maybe it was called for, but it made things a little awkward. And she was just as distant as ever, holding him at arm's length even if he didn't deserve it.

That part, the holding him at arm's length, was just like old times. It was par for the course, really. But she was sure of something now, something she'd never been sure of before. She didn't want it to be this way. She wanted to allow herself to open up, to let him in.

"Just like old times," as Ryan had said, didn't seem like enough anymore. When she'd first begun to forgive Castle, all she'd thought she wanted was a return to normalcy, for everything to be as it once had been. But now, after everything that had happened, she wasn't sure that was possible, and she wasn't sure she wanted it to be.

What she wanted, what she really, truly wanted, was what Alexis had best put into words. She wanted for them both to believe, to understand, to know, that they deserved each other. As something more than friends, and something more than partners. She wanted to be able to lay everything out on the line. Take the risk. Make the jump. And she wanted to do it without a single regret.

* * *

_According to my outline, only three chapters to go! Yikes! I might stretch it to four, depending on what happens, but either way, not a whole freaking lot of story left here, not compared to the TWENTY NINE chapters I've already written. I have so many different feelings about seeing this story end, I wouldn't even know where to begin._

_It's not time for that now, though. Now is the time for focusing on THIS chapter. :) Let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading! That you've made it this far shows quite a commitment, really. I'm impressed and thrilled and proud and excited not only that I've made it this far, but that I've managed to drag you all along with me. :)_


	30. Chapter 30

_And the morning cuts you like a knife,_

"Yo Beckett! You busy?" Esposito called from his desk. "We got a case. Want in?"

"No thanks," she called back, pouring over the court transcript she'd found on her desk when she got in for the third or fourth time.

"You sure? It's your kinda case."

"How so?" she asked, still without bothering to look up from her desk.

"College guy found dead in the basement of a sorority house."

That got her to look up from her paper for an instant, but all she did was make a face at the other detective. "That's not my kind of case, it's Castle's."

"You both like the ones with the crazy stories," Ryan pointed out. "Where is Castle, anyway?"

"Probably on his way." She glanced at her phone to make sure he hadn't tried to contact her. He hadn't. And if he didn't tell her he wouldn't be there, she knew he would. "Feel free to grab him if you see him on your way out, I'm sure he'd love a field trip to a sorority house." She left this part out, but she also didn't especially want him to know the contents of the document she was so intent on reading, and she'd be just as happy if he didn't show up until a little later.

"Will do," Ryan affirmed with a nod.

"You sure you don't want to come?" Esposito asked.

"Absolutely positive."

"Okay, we're gone."

The two detectives disappeared onto the elevator and Beckett sighed and went back to the transcript. This couldn't be real. It didn't make any sense.

She looked up again for a second when she heard the elevator ding, announcing someone's arrival on the floor. To her surprise, Castle emerged from the elevator. He had to have run into the boys in the lobby. Why was he here?

"Didn't you see Ryan and Esposito?" she asked when he neared her desk, completely skipping over anything that could've been construed as a greeting.

"Yeah, I passed them in the elevator. Why?"

"They have a case, I don't. Thought you'd want to join. Didn't they tell you where they were going?"

He smiled. "Sorority house? Been there, done that. Besides, I had to give you this." He set a paper bag and a to-go coffee cup on her desk in front of her. "This new pastry shop just opened up by my place, it's supposed to be amazing. I got us each a bearclaw and some of these little mini chocolate things that the owner insisted I try. Plus," he tapped the coffee cup, "your usual."

"Thanks, Castle," she said, sliding the cup to one side of her desk and resuming reading.

She didn't look up, but she could hear the frown in his voice. "Aren't you going to eat something? At least take your bearclaw."

"Maybe later. I'm not very hungry right now."

"You haven't even touched your coffee. You okay?"

"Fine," she said without looking up.

"Hey." He touched her hand lightly and she was forced to look up, a little annoyed with him for breaking her concentration. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine, Castle. Let me get back to work?"

He poked the transcript. "What is this?"

"Nothing." She pushed it aside. "It's not important."

"You haven't stopped staring at it since I got here. It must be important."

"It's just… a transcript from one of the cases I worked on. It went to trial. That's all. No big deal."

"How'd it turn out?"  
Reluctantly, she realized she was going to need to answer. "He got off."

Finally, Castle was beginning to understand. "And you thought he was guilty."

"No, I _know_ he was guilty. All the evidence was there. I just… I don't know. I must not have put it together well enough."

"What case was it? Anything I remember?"

She shook her head. "It was while you were gone."

He nodded, but he didn't try to apologize or say anything further, and she was glad. She was ready to leave that period behind her, to try to pretend it had never happened, that Castle had been here all along. "Look, I'm sure you did everything you could. Anything can happen once the lawyers take over, you know that."

She nodded. "Yeah, I guess. I just feel like if I'd done my part a little better…"

He shook his head. "Don't. You're a good cop. Don't beat yourself up."

"No, I know that. I know I am. It's just…" she sighed. She didn't want to admit this, but she did want to get her point across. "I was a little out of it for awhile. After… everything that happened." _After you left_ was the phrase she was trying desperately not to say. "I wasn't focused, not like I usually am. What if I missed something? Some piece of evidence that would've made the case against him stronger? Or maybe I saw something but forgot to put it in the report."

He shook his head. "Listen to me. I don't know anything about this case." She looked at him and frowned, wondering what he was getting at, and he shrugged. "I don't. But I do know you. And I have never known you to put anything less than everything you have into solving a case. I am fully confident that you did your best. Whatever happens after that is beyond your control."

She looked into his clear, blue eyes and felt the slightly unsettling feeling, as she often had before, that he was looking not _at_ her but _into _her. She got the distinct impression that he could see her thoughts, her feelings, everything. Obviously this wasn't the case, but she wasn't sure it was entirely a fabrication. Castle was one of the most intuitive people she'd ever met. When he looked into her eyes, maybe he did see more than most people.

She glanced at the papers again, weighing her options. He set the paper bag down directly on top of them, blocking her view, and when she looked at him to roll her eyes, his expression was grave. "It's over," he reminded her. "Let it go."

He was right, of course. She didn't like it, but it was out of her control. She could waste a lot of time and police resources agonizing over it, but still nothing would change. She went for her desk again, but instead of picking up the transcript she reached into the bag and pulled out some kind of tiny pastry stuffed with chocolate.

Castle smiled. "Good choice," he said lightly. Then he reached into the bag and pulled out another one for himself.

She took a bite of the pastry, and wasn't sorry. The flaky dough and rich chocolate both seemed to melt in her mouth, and for a second she almost completely forgot about the case file. "Oh my God, Castle. This is amazing."

He beamed. "I wish I could take credit, but all I did was buy them." He tasted his own. "They are good though, aren't they?"

She finished hers off in another bite and chased it with a long sip of coffee. Then she stuck the transcript inside one of her desk drawers. She met Castle's eyes again. "Thanks."

He nodded. "You good?"

She poked the drawer for good measure, and when she found that it was fully closed, she nodded back. "I'm good."

She hadn't even realized how much she'd needed one of Castle's pep talks, but she felt a little like a weight had been lifted from her chest. And all of a sudden, she realized what had just happened. Castle had missed out on the opportunity to help with a potentially interesting case involving a sorority house simply to bring her coffee and some seriously delicious pastries. And in doing so, he'd picked up on a need that she hadn't even realized she had. And she'd let him. Although with a little hesitation, she'd told him what was wrong, and she'd let him help. Everything about his countenance told her that he'd do it again. And everything about the way she was feeling told her that she'd do it again. Finally it was clear. She was ready.

She realized he was watching her, and his face twisted into a very small smile. "What?"

She suddenly realized that she'd been staring at him all this time, her face doing some kind of odd tiny grin that she wasn't controlling. She shook her head, returning her face to a more normal expression. "Nothing." But 'nothing' was a complete lie. It was definitely something. And she wanted to say something, or do something, but she didn't know what. And she did know that now wasn't exactly the time. "Um," she finally said, swallowing, "can I talk to you?"

He looked confused, and with good reason. "Sure?" He looked at her expectantly.

"No, I mean… not now. Later."

He frowned. "Later," he repeated.

"What are you doing tonight?"

His frown deepened. "Tonight?"

She rolled her eyes. "You can stop doing that now."

He nodded. "Sorry, I just… I don't know what you're asking."

"Do you have plans tonight? With your family?" she guessed.

He shook his head. "No. Not really. Why?"

"Why don't you come over to my place for a little while?" She tried to keep the invitation casual, as if this was something they did all the time, but her heart was beating fast. "We can get some takeout and…"

"Talk?"

She shrugged. "Yeah." This was weird. The invitation was weird, the circumstances were weird, and if he accepted it would be even weirder… and yet, in spite of all this, she really wanted him to.

"What time?" he asked, still not giving her an answer. He was trying to make her crazy, she knew it. And he was going to succeed.

"After work?"

"Right after?"

"Whatever."

He looked like he was about to laugh. What did that mean? "Come on," he said, letting the ghost of a chuckle escape. "You know I'm saying yes."

She couldn't resist smiling, and gave a very short nod. "Good." Then she took her bearclaw, which, if the smell was any indicator, promised to be every bit as good as the chocolate pastry she'd just eaten, and turned back to the pile of paperwork that remained on her desk until Ryan and Esposito returned.

* * *

_A/N: And it appears that things are looking up, doesn't it? Two chapters left, guys. Just two. And I'm nearly positive about that, because I'm more than halfway through the next one already. The end of this story is writing really smoothly for me all of a sudden, which is odd because so much of this story has been difficult. But I won't get sentimental yet. Nope. I'll save it all up for what I'm sure will turn out to be an absurdly long author's note at the end of the last chapter. :)_

_Anyway, I don't really have anything specific I want to say about this chapter, so I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading! And reviews are always appreciated. :)_


	31. Chapter 31

_And you're wearing thin, feel you're giving in,_

She was waiting on two visitors, Castle and the food she'd ordered, so when her doorbell rang she had no idea which one it would be. She smiled when she saw that it was Castle, dressed just a bit more casually than he had been at work. "Hey," she greeted him. "Come in."

He stepped inside the door so that she could close it, and she led him to the couch. "Sit down. I ordered food, it should be here pretty soon."

He did. "It's nice to be here. You know, without a specific reason."

She sat down as well. "It's nice to have you here. Without a specific reason." She had to stop herself from making a face. Why was this so weird? It was only Castle. It wasn't like she didn't see him and talk to him without awkwardness almost every single day. After several minutes of silence in which they both stared at the coffee table, she rapped her knuckles against the glass top impatiently. "Okay, no it's not."

He frowned. "What?"

"This isn't nice, it's unbelievably awkward. Why is that? We never just sit in silence, we always have _something_ to talk about. Why is this weird?"

He laughed. "Why am I here?" he asked, completely off the cuff, like he was asking about the score of a baseball game.

Now it was her turn to be confused. "What?"

"Well, you said you wanted to talk, but you haven't really said anything. What did you want to talk about?"

"I thought we'd wait until after dinner to talk about that."

"So what do we do in the meantime? Stare at your coffee table? Because as lovely as it is…"

She rolled her eyes. "How's Alexis doing?" Perfect. The daughter. The ever-safe topic. Castle could talk about her for hours if necessary.

"She's good. She'd getting a little better every day, and she and Ashley made up… I guess you knew that part, though."

"Yeah, she told me the other day. That's great. You guys are okay now, too?"

He nodded. "Pretty much back to normal. Thanks for that."

She waved her hand dismissively. "It wasn't all me."

"Maybe not, but I know you helped."

"It's no problem." The doorbell rang. "There's the food."

The awkwardness melted away as they ate and talked a little more. "Did Esposito really clean all of those shoes?" Castle asked as he finished off one of the containers.

"About half of them before he got bored and stopped. To be honest, I was surprised he made it that far."

"The powers of procrastination," Castle smiled. "Did he or Ryan get any paperwork done at all?"

"Some, I'm sure. They do what they need to do, they just do a lot of goofing off at the same time."

He nodded. "Yeah, I know they do."

"I, um…" she pushed her plate away, having finished eating. She wanted to say this now, while the mood was light. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm ready."

He frowned. "Ready? Ready for what?"

"For… you." Her face began to heat up as soon as the word had left her mouth. "I mean…" she shrugged. "I trust you."

He pushed his empty plate aside as she had done. "I'm glad," he said seriously.

"So…?" she started.

"…so?" he continued.

"What do you think?"

"Oh, I hardly ever think."

_"Castle."_ She smacked his arm lightly.

"Okay, okay." He sobered a little. "If you're saying what I think you're saying, I've been ready for years."

"What do you think I'm saying?"

"What _are_ you saying?"

"I, um…" she cleared her throat. "I wouldn't mind seeing you more. Outside of work. Like this. Kind of. I mean…" she sighed. "I don't want to mess up our friendship. I like how everything is going now. Now that everything is finally back to normal, I don't want everything to change again, but…"

"But everything isn't quite back to normal, is it?" he cut in. "Everything isn't the same as it used to be. It's all a little different. Circumstances change, people change."

She nodded slowly. "People change," she said, echoing the sentiment she'd never believed, not until very recently.

"Before we go any further though, I need you to know this. I've done some stupid, immature things in my life. That's not the part I need you to know, you already know that. What I need you to know is that I'm done."

She looked at him, a little disbelieving. "Done," she repeated.

"I mean, you know me. I'm not Mr. Maturity, that's not who I am."

She nodded. "And that's not who I want you to be."

"I know. But that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that… I've known a lot of women in my life."

She rolled her eyes.

"No," he said quickly, putting out his hand as though to stop her thoughts. He smiled. "That probably wasn't the best way to preface that. What I mean is that of all the women I've ever known, I've never known one like you. I trust you too. And I care about you. More than I ever have for anyone else. I'm not interested in anyone else anymore. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to think about anyone else. Because no one else is good enough. I know that you care about me, and you care about my family, and you're beautiful and brilliant, and I'm never going to do any better than you. It isn't possible. It might seem to you like in the past I've jumped from person to person, and maybe I did. Maybe I did get bored with one woman and move right along to the next. But you need to know that I will never do that with you. Because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to understand you or to guess what you're going to do next, you always surprise me."

"What about when that wears off?"

He shook his head. "It'll never wear off. You're a complicated woman, Kate. I'll never learn all of your secrets. I'll never solve all of your mysteries. I could spend the rest of my life trying. And I'd like to do that, if you'll let me."

She smiled. "I'd like to see you try."

He looked at her carefully, examining her face for signs that she was unsure, or maybe being sarcastic. He found none. "Are we really gonna do this?" he asked.

She sighed, but couldn't seem to keep the smile from her face. "I don't know. What do you think? Is it worth the risk?"

"Are you sure you're ready?" he asked without missing a beat.

"I told you I wouldn't freeze you out again, didn't I? I don't go back on my word."

"I know you don't. But that wasn't my question."

"I realized something today," she said, still sidestepping the question, but coming to it in her own way. "When you stayed back with me instead of going out with Ryan and Esposito. Why did you do that, anyway?"

"I shadow you, not them," he said simply. "And anyway, I had your coffee."

"You follow them sometimes, and I didn't _need_ the coffee."

He smirked. "I beg to differ. I've seen you in caffeine withdrawal, it's not pretty."

She rolled her eyes. "Castle."

"You're avoiding my question."

"No, I'm getting to it. I'll be honest. I didn't want you there today."

He frowned. "Why? And how is that getting to my question?"

"I didn't want you there because I didn't want you to see that transcript, or know what it said, and I knew you'd want to."

"Why? You told me what it said."

She nodded. "I didn't want you to know because… I don't know. I was embarrassed, I guess. That I didn't do my best work, and that you had something to do with it, and that because of that there's a murderer out there, just walking the streets."

Her breathing sped up and her tone intensified as she said that last part. No matter what her point, she couldn't say that, or think about it, without getting upset. She'd always understand that it happened, but she'd never be okay with the idea of criminals going free.

"Hey," Castle said, bringing her back. "We've been over that, remember?"

She nodded and took a breath. "I know. I know, and that's exactly my point. When I did tell you, you told me what I needed to hear. I didn't even _know_ what I needed to hear, but you did." She shrugged. "Thanks."

He smiled. "It's what I do. But if you didn't want to tell me about the trial, why did you?"

"Because… you were there. I told Ryan and Esposito to ask you to go with them because I thought I didn't want you there, but then when you showed up anyway… I was happy to see you. And then when you asked… part of me wanted to tell you. And I wasn't sorry I did. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm done hiding things from you. I'm ready to trust you. Completely." She was silent for a beat while he looked at her. "Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah," he said slowly, smiling. "It does."

"So what about my question? Do you think it's worth the risk?"

He shook his head, and her heart began to sink for a second, until he spoke. "I don't see a risk," he said, eyes sparkling. "I only see you."

* * *

_A/N: Only one chapter remains. I haven't started writing it yet and I really want to do it justice, so it'll probably be a few days. I'm going out of town this weekend and shouldn't have much writing time, so expect it sometime around the beginning of next week. Just a heads up. I also hope that this chapter wasn't overly sappy... let me know what you thought! :) Thanks!_


	32. Chapter 32

_Author's Note: Last chapter. The chances of me leaving you alone to read it in peace are not good, but I'll save my comments for the end._

_One thing though, before you start reading. I realize it's not necessarily normal to dedicate a fanfic to anyone, but do I care? I think not. So, that said, this story, all 32 chapters of it, is dedicated to all of my wonderful reviewers, without whom there is absolutely no way I would've ever finished this. Hope you like the end!_

* * *

_In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight."_

She replayed the message one more time before she left work.

"Hey Kate, it's me. Rick. I just wanted to let you know I have some things I have to do today, so I won't be coming in. But let me know if there's a murder and I'll meet you at the scene."

She smiled. She'd over-analyzed the message several times now, and she loved both the beginning and the end. The beginning for its familiarity: "Hey Kate, it's me. Rick." She rarely called him, or even thought of him, by his first name, although he sometimes used hers. But now she thought she might start. It was a nice concept. And she loved the characteristic childish excitement of the end: "Let me know if there's a murder and I'll meet you at the scene." As many crime scenes as he'd been to now, the novelty never seemed to wear off. He was always excited. It was the strangest thing, but she found it oddly endearing.

Of course, though, there hadn't been a murder, at least not one that she'd been assigned, and it was the other part of the message that made its point: "I just wanted to let you know I have some things I have to do today, so I won't be coming in." What did _that_ mean?

She'd called him as soon as she got his message, but he hadn't answered and she hadn't left a message in return. She'd briefly considered shooting him a text just to make sure everything was okay, but hadn't done it, not wanting to overstep. However their relationship might be defined at the moment, she was sure it wasn't yet to the point where each needed to know exactly what the other was doing at all times. She was sure that would make her uncomfortable, and she didn't want him to think that was what she was trying to do.

But she couldn't help but find it weird that today, the day after they'd agreed to be more than friends, was the day he decided not to come in. She guessed it was easier that they wouldn't have to worry about figuring out what to say, or not say, to their coworkers, but part of her couldn't help but wonder if he'd changed his mind. Had they actually managed to mess everything up this quickly?

Just as she finished listening to the message one final time, Esposito sidled up to her desk. "You've been pretty attached to that phone today," he noted. "Everything okay?"

She nodded quickly. "Yeah." _At least I think so,_ she added internally.

"Doesn't have anything to do with a certain writer who didn't bother to show up today, does it?"

"He told me he wasn't coming," she said, maybe a little too defensively. "He didn't just 'not bother to show up,' he said he had stuff to do."

"So it _is_ about him."

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't say that."

"And why are you defending him all of a sudden? Is there something going on that I don't know about?"

She picked up her things, getting ready to go. "Always, Esposito. See you tomorrow."

As she got on the elevator she saw a very confused Esposito head over to Ryan's desk, likely, she knew, to discuss what they thought was going on between her and Castle, but she found that she didn't care. They could theorize all they wanted. Sooner or later, she knew they'd figure it out anyway.

What she couldn't stop thinking about now was why Castle hadn't been at the precinct today. She was trying to think of things that could've kept him, and she couldn't come up with anything good. While she didn't want to be bothersome, she needed to know that he was okay. That Alexis was okay. That everything was, in fact, okay.

When she got into the cab, she found that instead of giving the driver her address, she was giving him Castle's. She'd just dropped by there before, and she was sure she'd do it again.

She was a little surprised to find that it was Alexis who answered the door, and appeared to be perfectly fine. "Hey Alexis," she greeted her casually. Since she'd started talking to the teenager fairly often, she found that she was actually really easy to talk to. "Is your dad here?"

Alexis nodded. "He's here. He's in his study. I'll get him."

Alexis, still walking with crutches, started to hobble away from the doorway, but Kate stopped her. "I'll just go in," she offered. "I know where his study is."

But Alexis shook her head. "He's writing. He gets in kind of a zone. He might not even realize you're there for a minute or two." She rolled her eyes. "I've dealt with it a lot, I'm used to it. It's actually a really great time to ask him for things I'm not sure he'll agree to."

"Ah," Kate said, smiling. "I can work with that. I've got this."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely." She smiled at Alexis with some mixture of actual pleasure and conspiracy, and the way Alexis smiled back, Kate was pretty sure she'd picked up on the fact that something was different between her and Rick.

But even if this was the case, all she said was, "Be my guest."

Rick didn't even look up when she walked into his office, and she smiled, although she was a little confused. Had he really not come to the precinct today because he'd been writing? "What were _you_ doing all day?" she asked, a little flirtatiously.

He didn't stop typing. He did grunt something that could've been a response if she'd recognized it as a word, which she didn't.

"You didn't answer your phone when I called."

Another grunt.

"I thought maybe you were reconsidering what we talked about last night." At this point she was almost positive that this was not the case, but now she was baiting him, trying to figure out how much it would take to break him from his trance.

This turned out to be enough, at least, for some actual words. "Hold on," he said, still not taking his eyes off of his laptop screen or slowing his typing. "Just let me get to the end of this… paragraph." He typed for a few seconds longer, and then finally looked up. He smiled as if he'd just noticed her presence for the first time. "You're here," he said.

"Yeah, I've… been here."

He nodded. "Right. I'm glad you're here."

She smiled. "So what was it you had to do today that was so important?"

He gestured to his computer. "Write," he said, like it should've been obvious. "I haven't felt much like it lately and I fell behind, and yesterday… my muse hit a whole new level of inspiring. And when I'm inspired I need to write, because there's no telling how long it will last."

"Oh." She nodded, although she still wasn't sure she fully understood. "So you didn't come to the twelfth today because… you were inspired?" She thought about his use of the word "muse," and threw in another question. "By me?"

"Exactly." He got up from his desk and took a step toward her.

"Isn't that _why _you shadow me?"

He took another step toward her. "It turns out you can inspire me in ways that don't involve police work."

She made a face. "Do I even want to know what you've been writing?"

"Kate Beckett," he mock-scolded, "get your mind out of the gutter."

She shook her head. "Let me get this straight, though. I inspire you, so you decide not to see me at all today? Okay, that makes sense."

He raised his eyebrows. "Really?

"Um, no."

He smiled. "I knew that if I saw you, yes, I'd be even more inspired, but I also wouldn't get any writing done. Your presence is very distracting."

"So me being here right now… is distracting you?"

He nodded. "Oh yeah. But some distractions are worth having." He touched her cheek lightly. "May I…?" he started to ask, but she interrupted him with a shake of her head.

"It kills the mood if you ask," she said softly. "Go with your gut."

He took another step toward her, and she felt the warmth of his breath on her skin. It smelled like peppermint. She wanted to kiss him, but forced herself to hold back. _Trust_, she reminded herself. _He'll come to you._

And he did. Within a second, she felt his lips brush hers. She wrapped her arm around him, pulling him closer still. Their lips locked, and in this moment she knew. It wasn't just chemistry; she wasn't just swept up in the moment. She knew. This was right. This was exactly where she wanted to be. Where she was supposed to be. It wasn't a mistake, and whatever happened down the road, she would never regret it. Right here, right now, this moment? It was perfect. And to get here, everything they'd gone through in the past and everything they'd go through in the future seemed worth it.

She deserved him, he deserved her, and finally they both understood that. And finally, they had each other.

Whatever happened in his life, good or bad, she wanted to be there for him. With him. And whatever happened in her life, good or bad, as long as she would let him, she believed he'd do the same. No matter where her life led her, no matter how much changed, how dark things seemed to get, one thing would remain consistent. Rick Castle. He would always be the same, and he would always be there. He would always be her shoulder to lean on. Her soft place to land. Her little glimpse of daylight.

* * *

_A/N: First and foremost and absolutely most importantly, thank you. ALL of you. Whether you've been reading this since I started writing it in January (I admire your dedication), you started somewhere in the middle, or you just read all 32 chapters of it today (and for completely different reasons, I admire your dedication as well). Whether you've reviewed every chapter or haven't reviewed at all. If you're reading this right now, thank you._

_That said, I'm probably about to get really sentimental, so if you want to duck out, now's the time. It's been fun._

_I'm nearly positive that in the six-ish years that I've been writing, this is the single longest story I've ever written. I know there are longer stories out there, trust me. But for me, a 32 chapter, 62,000-plus word story is quite an accomplishment. And while there are some parts of this story that I am really proud of and other parts I'm sure I could've done better, I am proud of the fact that it's as long as it is, and I've actually managed to stick with writing it for over six months. And I know I couldn't have done that on my own, so I want to send a special thanks to those of you who have been reviewing this story pretty consistently, especially Kelly, who, besides just generally being awesome, made me promise not to abandon it no matter how many times it frustrated me or pissed me off (which this story did a LOT of for awhile there). Guess what? I didn't. :)_

_Because of all the trouble this story gave me, I have to say I'm a little relieved that I've finally managed to finish it. At times, I wasn't sure it would ever happen. But at the same time, as my longest story, the one I've spent the most time on, and the first story I've ever written with an outline (not my usual style, but it worked pretty well the way I did it), I'm attached to it. And I'm sad that it's over. I will miss it. But it is over. Completely over. The story that I wanted to tell ended. I won't be writing a sequel. It is what it is._

_Of course you haven't heard the last of me. I absolutely love writing Castle fanfic, and there's still quite a lot of time until season 4 starts, so I need to get my Castle fixes somewhere. As a matter of fact, I'm already working on another story ("Here for the Story") that I love, am super proud of, and, to be honest (*shameless pimping*) haven't been getting as much feedback on as I'd like. So if you're sad that this is over and you haven't, go read that. Please? Okay, moving on. I also have some other ideas and half-formed ideas I'd like to work on, so you might be seeing a new story from me before too long. We'll see._

_Oh, one more well-deserved thanks to Better Than Ezra for writing and/or recording (not entirely sure if they wrote it or not) the song "Daylight," which, I'm sure you realize by now, inspired this fic. I highly recommend that you listen to it, because it's an awesome song. I tried to do this as a thanks to you guys for reading, and I've never done this before so I'm not sure if it worked or not, but if you want the song, I think you can download it here: http:/ www. megaupload. com/?d=630L1SGG  
If for some reason that doesn't work, or you just want to listen to it but not download it, here's a YouTube link: http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=Fh1t951IMNY  
In case you're interested. Take out the spaces and they should work (I hope!)._

_Anyway, I guess I'm done rambling. As always, I'd love your feedback. Reviews are like... chocolate. And I'm a chocoholic. So... feed me?_


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